#1
c4c


Swallow.
Gulp.

Grandma caught me in the cookie jar;
winked and laughed.
"Take two so yer mum doesn't catch you later."

Sagely advice.

I miss her. A lot.
I miss when she cheated at Rummy
and how she always gave me two desserts when
mum said I could only have one.
I miss breaking the rules with my grandma;
and falling asleep while playing Nintendo with her.

Grandma's house was always magical;
I just never realized it was Mecca until she decided
to go on a pilgrimage of her own.
#2

I loved this in the freepost thread, very enjoyable. Not much to say, sorry.
Though I think maybe 'mum' was used a few too many times.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Imma do some nitpicks here.

Swallow.
Gulp.
Maybe I'm wrong, but do you really need both of those? Although I do like them when placed directly after the title like that. Scary basement. Gulp.
and falling asleep in the room down the hall
from her room whilst playing Nintendo with her.
Meh, some irks in here. I don't think you need to mention "her room". Also, the word "whilst" throws the flow. In fact, I'd completely redo this bit from the flow perspective.

Still, this was enjoyable. Not much I can say, unfortunately.
#7
I liked this a lot and if I read it right your grandma has recently passed away and your doing this in memory of her maybe? I didnt see anything wrong with it and I must add I enjoyed it and I actually I have one in my sig about the same topic if you dont mind criting one of mine I would appericate it
#8
Swallow.
Gulp.
sucks to be off to a bad start, but here...
you kinda forced the whole bluntness, what with the repetition i had expected it to move on chronologically in one form (onomatopoeic for example) but here you just kinda picked one moment and dragged it over two blunt lines. I'd suggest ditching swallow, and either leaving it at gulp, or adding more of those sounds - onomatopoeia. (sorry for being patronizing then, i thought that word was incredibly intelligent, and couldn't find any other way to say it again.)


Grandma caught me in the cookie jar;
winked and laughed.
"Take two so yer mum doesn't catch you later."
"yer mum don't catch yer later"?
Really try to bring the character to life. I don't know, it felt a bit empty, like you had written it anyway, then just tagged on this voice later.


Sagely advice.
I like this, placed almost as if in hindsight of what she said. Makes you think of what brought the narrator to see this in the new light.

I miss her. A lot.
I miss when she cheated at Rummy
and how she always gave me two desserts when
Either make these both "when" or "how", I feel you really need to do it over with repetition or risk making the idea redundant.
mum said I could only have one.
I miss breaking the rules with my grandma; Previously you just said "grandma", I don't see any reason for the my to be there, it's presence doesn't cover over any significant flow issues.
and falling asleep
while playing Nintendo with her.
I prefer these two lines like this, with the line break. Falling asleep = death, right? she's dead, right? and although the lines states clearly that it is the narrator sleeping, I think the break highlights the subtle connotations of the words.

Grandma's house was always magical;
I just never realized it was Mecca until she decided
to go on a pilgrimage of her own.


typical zachary, really.


im in a funny mood.

c4c, headrush if you want.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 20, 2009,
#9
Swallow.
Gulp.
like your momma did last night.. heyooooooo

Grandma caught me in the cookie jar;
winked and laughed.
"Take two so yer mum doesn't catch you later."
I don't like the use of "mum". You're an Amurican, if I'm not mistaken, and you should act like one -- damnit. On the flip side, I didn't really have any problems with this. Maybe "Grandma caught me reaching in / digging through" would work better, but it's not necessary as it's implied here.

Sagely advice.

I miss her. A lot.
I miss when she cheated at Rummy
and how she always gave me two desserts when
mum said I could only have one.
I don't like the repetition of this. You're basically stating a scene that you described in much more impressive fashion earlier. You don't need both the image of Grandma catching you in the cookie jar, and then restate how she helped you get dessert. I realize you could be referring to different situations.
I miss breaking the rules with my grandma;
I agree with whomever said "Grandma" doesn't need to be resaid. I also think directly saying "breaking the rules" isn't the best way to go about this. You've already described situations where y'all broke the rules, it'd be much better if you used the whitespace this line covers up to describe more ways you broke rules with your Grandma.
and falling asleep while playing Nintendo with her.

Grandma's house was always magical;
I just never realized it was Mecca until she decided
to go on a pilgrimage of her own.
The last two lines are perfect. Clever, well-worded. I think the first line could be a slightly better lead-in, but I don't really have a good suggestion for how.

The last two lines absolutely make this poem. The ideas here are great, I guess my main criticism is that you're spending too much time stating and restating ideas when I feel you should be describing scenes that would detail these ideas -- especially considering it's a poem about a family member.

I definitely enjoyed this quite a bit. Check out my latest if you want.