#1
crit4crit

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

We danced inside a darkened room
Where the only light's a glowstick noose
Hanging from the highest Heaven.
And these songs impulse embedded highs
As angels and sweat fall in time
To the rattle of inscription pills.
But pounding drums still cannot
Ever drown out the voice of God.

I crawled and slithered down the old block,
And could not find the door to God's house.
I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.

I misplaced all my chivalry
In the hands of childhood memories
Spinning their hulahoop haloes.
And I walked that same road last night
Hoping and praying that it might
Somehow, someway take me to Heaven.
But good intentions only lead
To the streets of dead-end destiny.

I crawled and slithered down the old block,
And could not find the door to God's house.
I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Nov 30, 2009,
#3
lyrically this is great, just put in the musical features and this would make a good song
#4
Just seen ur comment
Very good, I especially like the way u refer to hell and hoping that it's as hot as people say
Message me if you get it recorded
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(I love David Bowie, Just Quietly)
#5
Quote by themarsvolta


We danced inside a darkened room
Where the only light's a glowstick noose
Hanging from the highest Heaven.
And these songs impulse embedded highs
As angels and sweat fall in time
To the rattle of inscription pills.
But these war drums still cannot
Ever drown out the whispers of God.

this is good, I like the overall layout but I was concerned with the last two lines in this stanza; a little too forced for my liking.

I crawled and slithered down the old block,
And could not find the door to God's house.
I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.

A nice little installation here, there isn''t much to comment here except it does fulfill tension that perhaps was missing at the end of your first stanza.

I misplaced all my chivalry
In the hands of child memories
Spinning these hulahoop haloes.
And I walked that same road last night
Hoping and praying that it might
Somehow, someway take me to Heaven.
But good intentions only lead
To the streets of dead-end destiny.

This was great, exactly what I was hoping you were going to do in terms of execution and instalment. In terms of conept I feel that it does truly unfold.

I crawled and slithered down the old block,
And could not find the door to God's house.
I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.

This also worked as a strong closer also, for your song.


I did enjoy this TMV, keep it up.
#6
Is the title mocking?

We danced inside a darkened room
Where the only light's a glowstick noose
Hanging from the highest Heaven.
And these songs impulse embedded highs
As angels and sweat fall in time
To the rattle of inscription pills.
But these war drums still cannot
Ever drown out the whispers of God.


I like most of this first verse, I think it portrays an accurate description of a drug-fuelled dance hall where people just lose themselves in the music, in the moment. To me it seems as if "impulse embedded highs" should be "embed impulsed/impulsive highs" but you have turned it around - quite clever. As is the case with "inscription" rather than "prescription" which would of course, change the meaning. The last 2 lines (just like Bleed Away stated) don't feel quite right to me either. The "war drums" kind of clash with the almost "holiness" of the preceding lines but I think your idea of impending trouble is well placed.

I misplaced all my chivalry
In the hands of child memories
Spinning these hulahoop haloes.
And I walked that same road last night
Hoping and praying that it might
Somehow, someway take me to Heaven.
But good intentions only lead
To the streets of dead-end destiny.


I like the description of carelessness outlined in the first 3 lines. The image of "child" and "hulahoop" go well together along with "haloes" as children are often percieved as innocent angels, but often clumsy too. I personally don't like "dead-end destiny" but like what is before it and know what you mean.

I crawled and slithered down the old block,
And could not find the door to God's house.
I'll never be in Heaven's embrace,
I just hope Hell is as warm as they say.


Are the first 2 lines a reference to the snake in the Bible? Unintentional perhaps?

In closing, I think this a very good strong effort. Nice use of religious imagery and the like. Well done.