#1
Hey guys, been a while since I posted here... This is my newest piece, mainly unedited so feel free to rip it apart (as long as all criticism is at least borderline constructive...).
Crit for crit, cheers guys

Bad Trip/Split Lip


V1

Time's just a measurement
Trips are irrelevant
The elder of an elephant
Can't recall good times
I was living underground
No tears, no joy, perhaps a sound
Now a shell but once a man
This tide is gonna bring us down

Bridge

E minor
E major
E saviour
Bad trip, split lip
Who am I anyway?

Chorus

The flys are swarming
Winter's warming
The irony is swallowing us now

Verse 2

I swore we'd never come to this
Ignorance is certain bliss
I wish that we had never learned the truth
She was wrong
he's never right
If only life had shone a light
He wouldn't look like such a ****ing tool
#2
Bad Trip/Split Lip


V1

Time's just a measurement
Trips are irrelevant
The elder of an elephant
These rhymes were great, and I generally hate rhymes. Although, suddenly bringing in an elephant after talking about time and sh*t is pretty weird.
Can't recall good times
I was living underground
No tears, no joy, perhaps a sound
You should keep this line to definitive negatives (hehe). Keep it blunt. (get rid of the "perhaps this..." bit, basically.)
Now a shell but once a man
I don't like the reversed syntax here, try to describe it chronologically.
This tide is gonna bring us down

Bridge

E minor
E major
E saviour
(Not sure if I like this motif.)
Bad trip, split lip
Who am I anyway?
This was nice. I can see it working with music, although it is quite contrasting to how you wrote the verse. I think as long as you reflect the change with the music it should be fine.

Chorus

The flys are swarming
Winter's warming
The irony is swallowing us now
I think you should drop "the" from the last line, it gets on fine without it and makes it feel more generalized (which in this context, is a good thing) for the audience .

Verse 2

I swore we'd never come to this
Ignorance is certain bliss
I wish that we had never learned the truth
-
She was wrong
he's never right
If only life had shone a light
He wouldn't look like such a ****ing tool
I think these last three/four lines are awful, the -ight rhyme felt forced, the lyrics had turned all typical and general (a bad thing in this context) and the last two words.... rubbish.


I'm not too sure about the structure. If this song is played as it is written, and the music reflets the writing style, then I think it could pass. If this is a more typically structured song (verse bridge chorus verse bridge chorus break chorus or whatever) then... I don't know.

Do you have a recording?