#1

'is this what it feels like to faint?'
i wondered, translucent shell
collapse
hit the floor; hollow thud
sounds become
distorted
words float on air
birds on the sea
silent
carried to a room
by a man, breaking
father?
coarse, northern, warm;
older than time, an angel
hallucinate

-

sit back, breathe deep
legs up, clock beeps
pulse
i race, breaths stabbing;
short sharp shallow
convulse
'is this what it feels like to die?'
i wonder, feeling absolutely
nothing.




soon ill post something i feel is worth posting.
c4c.
help on grammar/words would be specially helpful, never written like this before.


just another experiment.
everything here is purely coincidental


edited again, thank guys
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 27, 2009,
#4
'is this what it feels like to faint?'
i wondered, feeling like a shell
empty

> I like the start, it managed to intrigue me from the first two lines.


i collapsed, hitting the floor
with a hollow thud
cold

>Heavy hitting words used well to create clarity, nice. I wasn't so sure about the use of the word "cold", I'm sure there is a more descriptive alternative you can use.

words floating on air
like a bird on the sea
quiet

>I loved the comparison in the first two lines. I think 'silent' would work better than "quiet".

carried to a room
by a man, concerned
father?

>A subtle shift from description to action. These lines increased my curiosity.

coarse, northern, warmheart
older than time, an angel
hallucinate

>I like the way you've allowed the reader to slowly realise that this may be drug-related, as opposed to a natural medical issue. However I also think it could lead to confusion for some readers... Just a thought

-

sit back breathe deep
legs up, clock beeps
pulse
i race, breaths stabbing
short sharp shallow
convulse
'is this what it feels like to die?'
i wonder, feeling absolutely
nothing.

>Love the sudden increase of pace, throws the reader off in an unpredictable way without confusing things. All of the imagery here is uncomfortable and slightly sinister which increases the clarity of your point. I have to say, the play on the last two lines is absolutely fantastic, easily my favourite of the piece

Overall, I would give this piece a 7/10, not bad at all.

It would be great if you could crit my latest piece, Bad Trip/Split Lip.

Link's in the sig
#5
I thought that the first stanza was weaker. It lacked the pace that the seconds stanza had, and though understandably this was the whole point there was no rhythm or another element to compensate the lack of it in the first stanza. I think the best word for it would be scattered. It felt unfocused for me, which if funny,I suppose, considering what you said about my piece. But I truly mean it from a technique point of view, and nothing to do with the content, which felt to me like it was put together with care. Plus props for using my favourite word (not gonna tell you which it is )

The second stanza held a lot more meaning and was written better, with strength and determination. I liked it.

I wonder, did you ever actually faint?

On a personal note, I'm not someone that faints, but I did once in my life. It was the worst fainting that you could ever imagine. I was about 12 years old and me and my friends were cleaning our "club" which was an old bomb shelter that we kind of adopted for our own use. However, we didn't really think that using cleaning products in a very closed underground environment would affect us (silly) and I was unfortunately to faint while climbing the ladder to go out of the shelter. Needless to say, hitting the ground woke me up. Hard. Just thought I'd share.
This is not a pipe
#6
Carmel, ty.

I will work on the first stanza. It was all written (bar a little "what was I thinking" touch up just before posting) while I recovered - yes this is all true.

I didn't faint (it never says that in the piece ) but I collapsed and shook and felt nothing and noticed weird things and thought weird things and slipped around during a PE lesson. Probably a lapse in blood sugar.

This is completely true.

I'll still be back to you, Gord consider yourself critbacked, Hesh (nom, si vous plait?) yes please, Kyle... damn right you do.
#7
This is very good stuff, Sammy boy. I enjoyed it, quite so. There is more to meets the eye, so to speak, with this. The overall theme and voice is quite distant and unfocused - like Carmel mentioned - but I think you can get into it the more and more you read it.
This could of been really great, but I reckon, this was hindered. From what, I am unaware.

- "like a shell
empty
i collapsed, hitting the floor
with a hollow thud
cold"

- I don't really like this that much. It doesn't add anything new to the world of poetry and writing. It's been done many times before and it's exactly what anyone would write when talking about something like this.

I'm growing to like the simplistic simile of the "bird on the sea". Its cute and suits the piece.
The rest of the first verse, I thought was stellar. Especially the bringing in of new ideas.

The second verse has elements and phrases I'm not that keen on. But they do add to the atmosphere of growing energy and speed. So, in affect, they are key, but could of been a little more adventurous.

Very good work, gov’ner‘.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jan 21, 2009,
#8
'is this what it feels like to faint?'
i wondered, like a shell
empty
i collapsed, hitting the floor
with a hollow thud
You'd have to fall pretty hard to thud like that, I don't think 'collapse' conveys that. That makes it sounds more like a sort of knees giving way and then slumping fall.
cold
words floating on air
like a bird on the sea

quiet
carried to a room
by a man, concerned
father?
coarse, northern, warmheart
older than time, an angel
hallucinate

-

sit back breathe deep
legs up, clock beeps
pulse
i race, breaths stabbing
short sharp shallow
need something after stabbing, colon or hyphen
convulse
'is this what it feels like to die?'
i wonder, feeling absolutely
nothing.

bleh, didn't like the last bit at all.

thought it was alright.

EDIT:

Link in my sig, if you want, but my crit wasn't exactly thorough.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
I think it was hindered by my lack of experience writing in this style - or writing in general. whatever.


Edited just now, more will be done.

am returning crits, if you leave links
#11
Personally this is my favorite of the pieces I've read from you. Wish I could give you a more in-depth crit, but I'm not a very technical kind of writer... at least I don't think so.

Overall I liked the feeling of this piece. Honestly, I thought the kinda 'scattered' feeling of the first part that someone mentioned was justified by the first line, but that could just be me... fainting is just that - everything blends together and you can't focus on anything till eventually you black out waking up to find a whole football team of sweaty guys dumping water bottles on you telling you to come back to life...

Personal story unfortunately...

Good shtuff here, Sambo... (that's Sam and Rambo put together, I'm so clever!)


EDIT: When I first read it, the word -distorted- was written -ditroterd-... that made me laugh. Thought it was intentional... but now I see it's edited...
Last edited by kunvulshuns at Jan 21, 2009,
#12
it was intentinal , but then i thought... god thats not half forcing something down someones throat, so I changed it. the word's connotations should do that enough (although, this is a guitarists website...)

and lad, its when you post in a thread just to make a black dot appear in the thread's envelope diagram on the forum page, so it reminds you that you posted here; so then people go over their blackdotted threads to find out if they need to follow up on a promise of a crit.
#13
like this

Quote by ginjaninja

'is this what it feels like to faint?'
i wondered, like a shell
collapse
hit the floor; hollow thud
sounds became
distorted
words floating on air
like a bird on the sea
quiet
carried to a room
by a man, concerned
father?
coarse, northern, warmheart
older than time, an angel
hallucinate

I did not like "coarse, northern, warmheart" to start of with. But f you were to keep it, i think there should be a semi-colon after "warmheart". Shouldn't "became" be "become"? I think "became" is the wrong tense.
-

sit back breathe deep
legs up, clock beeps
pulse
i race, breaths stabbing;
short-sharp-shallow
convulse
'is this what it feels like to die?'
i wonder, feeling absolutely
nothing.

There needs to be punctuation of some description in "sit back breathe deep". I don't like "breaths stabbing" and i think "absolutely" isnt needed.




Well, that's all I got.
#14
Quote by ginjaninja

'is this what it feels like to faint?'
i wondered, like a shell
collapse
hit the floor; hollow thud
sounds became
distorted
words floating on air
like a bird on the sea
quiet
carried to a room
by a man, concerned
father?
coarse, northern, warmheart
older than time, an angel
hallucinate
Not bad, but not amazing either. The italicized words didn't add much for me (although I can see them progressing the story- I would either change the third one to some other word or just drop them entirely. You used two similes: "like a shell" and "like a bird at sea". Maybe I'm being a little too picky, but I would modify the wording of at least one. Also, the word "like" used three times- ugh. On the bright side, I thought the first few lines were an excellent way to open the piece and the last few lines were excellent

-
I didn't like the dash at first, but looking again I thought it worked well for separating the two sections and at the same time keeping them coherent.
sit back breathe deep
legs up, clock beeps
I don't like couplet rhymes. But I'll live with it.
pulse
i race, breaths stabbing;
short-sharp-shallow
convulse
'is this what it feels like to die?'
i wonder, feeling absolutely
nothing.

The italicized sections were used better in this stanza, I think. The enjambment (? is that the right word) in lines 7 and 8 threw me off, but when used again between lines 8 and 9, served your purpose perfectly. The alliteration felt tacked on. The pulse-convulse rhyme was clever. Overall, much better than the first stanza I think.


Not bad for an experiment. I felt that some of the lines were too short, but I think you managed to fit your idea into a very compact format. Overall, pretty good. BTW, my name's Andrew. Thanks for asking
#15
Quote by ginjaninja
I think it was hindered by my lack of experience writing in this style - or writing in general. whatever.


Edited just now, more will be done.

am returning crits, if you leave links

I was going to say that the piece did seem hindered by your inexperience in this field. But I didn't want to say it and be wrong; thus coming across as being rude and abnoxious. Uneccessarily so.
Still really it.
#17
Quote by ginjaninja

'is this what it feels like to faint?'
i wondered, like a shell
collapse

So, I get the mood you were going for here... and I have a problem with "like a shell." You want sporadic and whatnot... like a shell is much to logical of a description. Much too... lucid. You want to create an atmosphere straight out of the gate... and here; your word choice has already thrown a wrench into an atmosphere of screwdrivers. You want to maintain a mood; throw in something random like "egg shell." Same connotations; but a more fitting mood to something that is supposed to show all the inner workings of a brain grasping for ideas and logic.

hit the floor; hollow thud
sounds became
distorted
words floating on air
like a bird on the sea

Good. Images maintain a sense of urgency and avoid standards. Fainting is really a horrible feeling; but trying to process thoughts of describe how you are feeling is something complex and usually ends with things like "words on air." Capturing the mood has been good so far. And I really like building a stanza around the mood to set up for the piece.

quiet
carried to a room
by a man, concerned
Again, "concerned" concerns me (www.instantrimshot.com). Too lucid... to standardized of a thought. "by a man, red beard." or something. Maintain your distance from a normal cognitive process or its going to start coming across as "faked." When tone doesn't match situation and tone is supposed to tie into situation; it leads to a reader feeling like the author is talking out his ass.

father?
coarse, northern, warmheart
older than time, an angel
hallucinate

-

sit back breathe deep
legs up, clock beeps
pulse
i race, breaths stabbing;
short-sharp-shallow
convulse
'is this what it feels like to die?'
i wonder, feeling absolutely
nothing.

Tone shift is fantastic. From a feeling like this process will take all day; to an intense pointed and frantic rate of self-evaluation and realizing the situation as you're coming around. I really like this section.





The piece overall: a good (and successful experiment). It did what you wanted; you captured two separate but linked moods and made a transfer between them with a fair amount of success. You controlled your words well; and painted a 3-d world for the reader to experience. So what? There's the hang up. This is good... but can you apply it to something more than painting a scene where there is no character and no "authorial point." Not saying there always has to be one; as this was enjoyable without one... but the next step is to continue to build on this (you have some skill here) and then apply the new skills to say something that you want to say. Add it to your technique arsenal, if you will.

Does it need refining? yes. You can do better than this; though this is still quite lovely and really does enthrall a reader. I say push on to something more; and try this experiment again. I think it would do you well.
#18
I came here with things to say and realised that Zach had just said them.

I also think this would be a lot better if you didn't need the italics to keep it going.
Sorry for not having much to say.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!