#1
Concept isn't prisoner of another army but prisoner of War itself.
i have the instrumental side of it in my profile. its spose to be Thrash Metal.

Lyrics:
Verse 1:
Sent in by he above
to carry out the deeds of he below.
Out here i see no love.
If only the world could know

Behind enemy lines.
How are these horrors true.
I see all these crimes,
but no punishment where it is due.

Chorus:
Oh, only sleep brings me back.
Gives me this strength that i lack.
Oh, the days they feel so cold.
Destroy brothers, yound and old.

Verse 2:
I rest throughout the night,
only to kill throughout the day.
No more strength to fight,
God, don't let me live this way

Chorus
Mid sec/solo

Bridge:
Hell, Is this hell?
If not it's close.
Kill, Sent to kill.
The sights so morose

Uniform, Bloodstained fabric,
In which we garnish
Slay, give man a weapon
hmm and watch him Punish!

Solo

My last day, so slow
Discharge tomorrow
Metal barrell so cold
Canteen in hands, i take my last swallow

alt Chorus:
Oh, i slowly turn my back.
Feel the sound of bullet crack
Weakening in my knees.
The hate of man i do now see

Chorus
Outro
Hey!Everyone!
Come and See how good I look!



You Stay Classy, Ultimate Guitar
#2
Concept isn't prisoner of another army but prisoner of War itself.
i have the instrumental side of it in my profile. its spose to be Thrash Metal.
The concept is interesting, for sure. I'll keep the genre / purpose in mind when I read this.

Lyrics:
Verse 1:
Sent in by he above
to carry out the deeds of he below.
Very cool idea. I dunno if "to" is necessary. Works better without it.
Out here i see no love.
Capitalize "I" please.
If only the world could know
Last line feels somewhat tacked on for the rhyme, doesn't carry the weight the first three do.

Behind enemy lines.
How are these horrors true.
I see all these crimes,
but no punishment where it is due.
The last two lines here are excellent. I'm not sure I like "Behind enemy lines / how are these horrors true". Keeping the rhyme scheme in mind, I'd look into "define" at the end of the first line, and work it into defining the horrors, or maybe "find" as in finding escape from the horrors.

Chorus:
Oh, only sleep brings me back.
Gives me this strength that i lack.
Shouldn't be "this". Probably "the". Maybe just "Gives me strength that I lack."
Oh, the days they feel so cold.
Destroy brothers, yound and old.
Should be "young". I think you could say something more interesting than "days feel so cold" because the last line here is awesome.

Verse 2:
I rest throughout the night,
only to kill throughout the day.
Cool juxtaposition. I'm not sure it needs to be "throughout" though. Ruined the flow somewhat.
No more strength to fight,
God, don't let me live this way
These two lines don't really add much. They seem somewhat uninspired compared to the rest of this.

Chorus
Mid sec/solo

Bridge:
Hell, Is this hell?
If not it's close.
Kill, Sent to kill.
The sights so morose

Uniform, Bloodstained fabric,
In which we garnish
Slay, give man a weapon
hmm and watch him Punish!

My last day, so slow
Discharge tomorrow
Metal barrell so cold
Canteen in hands, i take my last swallow
I think these three stanzas could be collated into one, maybe two much better stanzas. The idea of it being "hell, or something close", the image of bloodstained fabric, and the idea of discharge / last swallow / metal barrel are all awesome, but they're weighed down by some redundant words and images right now.

alt Chorus:
Oh, i slowly turn my back.
Feel the sound of bullet crack
Weakening in my knees.
The hate of man i do now see
I think the last line could be worded. The killing of the narrator is definitely a good idea to end the song on though.

Overall, I thought this was a really strong effort, especially for a thrash metal song. I didn't imagine I'd actually enjoy reading it, but I did. You've got some talent. I'll keep an eye out for more from you in the future. Great work.
#3
hey, i read this and quite liked the whole idea, especially after seeing that it's not a prisoner of an enemy army but a generalized prisoner of war. It added a nice twist to it.
I really liked the first verse, the lines really went well together and had this unifying vibe to them, I particular liked this verse. Don't know why, but, I'm not a big fan of the chorus, to me it just seems a bit forced sort of. just my opinion, maybe with the music it would sound cooler.
I also really liked the bridge and the images it conjured up in me.
I don't really like thrash metal but would be willing to give this a listen if you recorded it all.
Thanks for the crit on my piece
#4
sounds great Goid. i like the lyrics but ive heard you play POW (recorded version) many times and cant see it in there. i know you want to do some tweaking though. good lyrics though. i wasnt sure if youd be good at that or not :P

pretty good. very mettallica-ish lyrics. i cant see the influence but the lyrics ARE original
#5
Quote by MonsterofMidway
sounds great Goid. i like the lyrics but ive heard you play POW (recorded version) many times and cant see it in there. i know you want to do some tweaking though. good lyrics though. i wasnt sure if youd be good at that or not :P

pretty good. very mettallica-ish lyrics. i cant see the influence but the lyrics ARE original


I noticed the Metallica too!

I like them
#8
Not too bad I'd say.
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
Quote by Necrophagist777
I'm ORION, LORD OF EVIL, give me your soul and breathe in my darkness.

YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS......
╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮
#10
Quote by mr gOiD
Concept isn't prisoner of another army but prisoner of War itself.
i have the instrumental side of it in my profile. its spose to be Thrash Metal.

Lyrics:
Verse 1:
Sent in by he above
to carry out the deeds of he below.
Out here i see no love.
If only the world could know
I like this. Sent in by he above, Relgious context but meant as paratroopers, it's well done. Nice.

Behind enemy lines.
How are these horrors true.
I see all these crimes,
but no punishment where it is due.
I'm not sure if i like using "these" in the third. Or at least not "all these". It just doesn't seem to work that well

Chorus:
Oh, only sleep brings me back.
Gives me this strength that i lack.
Oh, the days they feel so cold.
Destroy brothers, young and old.
Make it "Gives me the strength that i lack" or "Gives me this strength I lack". It's awkward. Otherwise it's a pretty decent chorus.

Verse 2:
I rest throughout the night,
only to kill throughout the day.
No more strength to fight,
God, don't let me live this way
This is my favorite verse thus far. The only thing is I think it'd be nice if it was "Oh God", seeming like more of a plea. That might not be what you're going for though

Chorus
Mid sec/solo

Bridge:
Hell, Is this hell?
If not it's close.
Kill, Sent to kill.
The sights so morose

Uniform, Bloodstained fabric,
In which we garnish
Slay, give man a weapon
hmm and watch him Punish!
I liked the last line of this, I could totally feel how it would go. Good bridge/breakdown section

Solo

My last day, so slow
Discharge tomorrow
Metal barrel so cold
Canteen in hands, i take my last swallow

alt Chorus:
Oh, i slowly turn my back.
Feel the sound of bullet crack
Weakening in my knees.
The hate of man i do now see
I like this alt chorus SO much better than the other ones. It's meaningful, it's powerful, it's a great section.

Chorus
Outro

All in all, it's a pretty solid piece that seems to get better every time I read it. It definitely has potential to be great if you take all the other crits into account too. 7.75/10
#11
nice lyrics man, i really like em
i can really get the metal feel from the words
Speak the truth and speak 'ever
Cost it what it will
For he who hide the wrong he did
Did the wrong thing still