#1
this is a song. I was gonna write something for the winter comp before I signed up so I wouldn't screw it up. and this is what I got. not sure if I'll enter or not. True story the whole way through so maybe it's not all artistic or whatever. bear with me if you can. Borrowed lyrics are from Bob Marley and The Scientist by coldplay. They just needed to be said-- really personal experiences with these songs today. No-- not just listening to them. They are part of this in a way but the real piece starts after the first clumped up stanza thing. Ignore it.
Sorry I keep doing this


Today was

Antarctica

don't worry
about a thing
every little thing is gonna be alright
no woman no cry
(one love)
no woman no cry
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.
I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

The world is still spinning
Vietnamese children are still playing in the rain
Fatherless children are still waiting
Millions of people were on tv,
but here, it was just her and me
She was eating an apple
all the way to the seeds
I reached to pick them up for her
my hand with a fading drawn on smiley face
but her voice stopped me
"Maybe a tree will grow"
"that would be nice"
but nothing grows here
when she left I stayed
and saved two of the seeds,
ready to plant them in two months time,
and left two behind
just in case they'd end up somewhere alright
where January
would have birds outside of the estuary
that would crack them open and leave them that way
and in somebody's unnamed windowpane
where they'd get by alright
they'd be just fine, all grown up, all her's, all mine

Hey are you alright
yeah I'm ok
I guess I'm willing to be something that isn't me
if it'll make things easy

Eating my own apple just to save the seeds
but instead of two I kept all three
but to plant something to make up for being selfish
next to a would be carpeted resting place
I wrote their names in the frosty window pane
to hide them through the spring and summer and fall until
snow hangs in the air
this time next year
when the weather will be the exact same as today
when the fog fills in the corners
They'll reappear like an apple tree's leaves

and before they leave
I can say
things will be the same
from now on
even with you gone
and things going all wrong

this is a cieling
this is a floor
and what was in between
isn't anymore

this is antarctica, forever.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 26, 2009,
#2
Very touching and graphic. good rhyming schemes, but there were places where you didn't keep up with it. Good flow. And other then the afore mentioned problem, very nice, although i think you should find other ways to say what you said in the first stanza, instead of boroowing lyrics, find a better way to express those feelings that they should convey. very good though. 8.5/10, crit mine Tools of Villainy and PAthetic
#3
ok ill get to yours soon. I can't tonight. But the songs stay at the beginning. It's not even what theyre saying that matters. It's those songs specifically. I don't know.

Thanks a lot for reading and your thoughts.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
I wrote their names in the frosty window pane
to hide them through the spring and summer and fall until
snow hangs in the air
this time next year
when the weather will be the exact same as today
when the fog fills in the corners
They'll reappear like an apple tree's leaves

I thought I was the only one to do this.


this is a cieling sp.
this is a floor
and what was in between
isn't anymore


this flows like liquid.
#5
I got a lot of inspiration from this in my own writing. But I found what you did here to be very meandering and not quite focused enough - even though you are actually seemingly repeating the same idea through and through. Maybe it's the length that puts me off. I don't know.
There are a few nice lines in it, but the punctuation - or lack of it - actually detracts from it, imo. Not drastically, but it's noticeable enough for me to feel disconcerted unnecessarily.
I'm trying to figure a more definitive meaning from the piece and nothing seems to be coming out that's really solid, when that's what I was expecting. In general, I find shorter pieces to be more confusing and unfocused. But this, being the larger piece is actually the embittered one. The one who struggles with an identity.
There is a certain feeling of flakiness which is common in your pieces, but this just feels too sad and soppy. Like there's no relief from all the nonsense - so to speak.
I don't quite know how I phrase myself with this. It's one of those pieces that I just can't get into right now.
Maybe I'll try again and see how far I'll get.

Digitally Clean
#6
yeah... I guess I knew that it was soppy. that's what the apology was for. Thanks for taking time with this and reading it. I might try to tighten it up one day soon.

Thank you sam. And yeah. I guess I'm not the only one either
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Jimmy I just couldn't get into this. The borrowing, from the start, didn't make me comfortable at all.

ignoring that, i thought the seeds metaphor (or storyline) dragged on too long for me. I didn't believe this enough, and I really tried to. I don't know what to suggest without affecting the planned structure you have for your song, but I think you need to mix it up a little with new elements for this to be stronger.

I hope I got that out right,

thanks for the read
#8
its cool
can't expect you too really connect with the apple stuff at all but it's extremely personal. same with the song garbage and the whole thing basically. I just needed it to exist outside of myself. thanks
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me