#1
Crit me. But beware, i am a nub, its my first song.

(Intro)

Verse:
Its dark, its cold,
Now you see, what is really shown,
Whats there, inside,
all the ones you loved, its just a big lie.,
take a look, at whats around,
all you see, looks fake to me,
cant you tell, whats going on,
your dieing down, this is your last dawn.

Chorus x2:
Whats the point of this all?
In the end you will surely fall.

Verse:
Backstabbers, Sharks waters,
Its all the same, they just put you to shame,
they were good, now they're not,
it never is, what you really thought,
they hit you hard, they hit you good,
you would kill em, if you could,
took you in, they pushed you out,
makes you wanna..., really shout.

Chorus 2x:
Whats the point of this all?
In the end you will surely fall.

(Guitar Solo)

Chorus 4x:
Whats the point of this all?
In the end you will surely fall.
Whats the point of this all?
They push you down and make you crawl.

(Outro)


Crit plz...
#3
Whats the point of this all?
In the end you will surely fall.

weak rhyme and weak lyrical content, poor way to show 'life means nothing'


Its all the same, they just put you to shame,

seems too forced, especially in one line


they were good, now they're not,

awful line, horrendous, rewrite this to anything, so weak and meaningless


they hit you hard, they hit you good,
you would kill em, if you could,
took you in, they pushed you out,
makes you wanna..., really shout.

seems blaringly obvious that someone has been bullying or harrassing you, it makes good song content if you can cover it with imagery instead of just saying ' he hit me' ' i hit him' 'i want to kill whoever'. Also '...pushed you out' and '...really shout' are obvious rhymes.


They push you down and make you crawl.

Push you down sounds overtly childish and pathetic in a bad way, rephrase this.


Overall, for a first attempt it wasnt bad, but this NEEDS improving and rewriting, nothing is ever perfect on the first attempt
#4
thank you, i appreciate both.
and yeah, its really forced. i wrote it in bout 10 minutes. its just a rough draft.
Last edited by Newse at Jan 21, 2009,