#1
please just understand

_________________________________________
pinpoint attempt ; getting a finger on
the surrounding or synergy of...
that.
that, the artistic achievement,
that, which shakes you whole
like a dumb head on your bass drum skin
that, which preceded and will succeed science ;
singing, dancing, wall painting, hell ; feet tappin'
that, which gives your organs a purpose to function
that, a lifelong orgasm. catharsis.

but it seems to get lost in context ;
preferring blind-guessing scholarship to
lifetime experiences and self-accomplishment
every ivory fetish worshiped is about
being part of...
it.
it, which is opposed to that.
it, the wished and preferred condition,
"condition" as in way of being,
opposed to that, the wild driving string pulling
quest for self-accomplishment through discovery of
the unknown
if not, why leave the home for a walk,
why the casual wishful hitting of minor, major, seventh keys why
sit in front of that paper with pen in hand if not for
the thrill of revealing the exquisite
resultants of you resourcing in...
that.
other context ;
a new head of state? more like
a new state of mind
skipping work or class or duties to mass up
and get a little bit of that,
an itty bitty strike of
the archetier's bow down
and up your spine
I know this is factual, but understand.
We thrive for that
but bathe in it.

Throw out harmonicas to the lungless
to trip their feet on their electronica paths
beating their minds against slight beat variations
splatter or shatter, depending on texture.
I have immense faith in the human body
I repeat ;
throw harmonicas to the lungless
and with that,
they will grow the will and
what's vitally needed
to play their way through it.
lungs/will/faith/life.

do it.
Last edited by circular.parade at Jan 21, 2009,
#2
Incredibly intriguing. I love the originality. Some really good wordings in there, such as:

"every ivory fetish worshiped is about
being part of...

why the casual wishful hitting of minor, major, seventh keys why
sit in front of that paper with pen in hand if not for
the thrill of revealing the exquisite

Throw out harmonicas to the lungless
to trip their feet on their electronica paths"

Good work.
#3
you really captured a lot in here. after the head of state/state of mind lines (nice little "comparison" (for lack of the ability to think of a better word :/ ), by the way) the tone seemed to change slightly. A little less desperate after that section. Although it is warranted and works, I didn't like the second half's voice as much. It's almost detatched sounding in a wierd way, despite talking about more tangible ideas. It kind of makes the last line a little less affecting than if it would have stayed more like the first part. I think it would have connected better. I'm beginning to ramble because I don't know how to say it right. Hopefully you get my "point", if it is one at all.
this was very nice overall.

I'm really glad I got to read it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Quote by jiminizzle

I'm really glad I got to read it.


I'll be reading it again, most certainly. I'll see if I have anything to say then.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
This is a brilliant feeling of desperation to this piece, the way it is almost propelled forward. I'm in a greement with Jiminizzile in the I really enjoyed reading this. I think the slight voice change in this piece works very well. When I read it, I'm imagining it almost as a soapbox speach, it has this real sense of power, of getting your view across. That's all I have to say.
#6
I love it. I'll be back if I can work up the will to nitpick it.
Last edited by Hesh at Jan 22, 2009,
#8
Your voice had a lot of strength in this. You took a point and put conviction behind it. However, I do have some things to get off my chest.
that, which shakes you whole
I didn't like this. It wasn't unique (though the bass drum thing was). I felt like you were really building up strength, but to say it shakes us whole would be too easy, and it felt like a step down from where it was heading.

Also, "feet tappin'" was too much of a tone change for my tastes. Maybe it's just me.

That's all I can think to say, unfortunately. This was fantastic, and I personally got alot of encouragement from this as a writer.
#9
Quote by Ninjamonkey767

That's all I can think to say, unfortunately. This was fantastic, and I personally got alot of encouragement from this as a writer.


that was the main point of this piece. thank you.

I agree with your comments regarding tone in a way, but I am very reluctant to alter that aspect of this piece, atm. I might come back on my decision soon, though.
#10
"like a dumb head on your bass drum skin"
was a little weird to read - largely because of the word choice and wordy-ness. It makes the emphasis from the beet fall onto "dumb" - an awkward word to read at the best of times, and bass, which makes "drum skin" blend into one word drumskin.

"which gives your organs a purpose to function"
"giving you organs a purpose to function", I feel, would be better, for syllabicity reasons.


eurgh, god im sh*t at this thing again.

anyway, i would be extremely happy to be able to write like this; it was a brilliant piece, and im sorry that i cant comment further.