#1
As of yet, this is my only venture outside the Pit, but I thought I'd share some of my songwriting skills (or failures, call them what you want). The usual C4C rules will be followed.

But since I am a newbie to this forum, are you only allowed one song/poem per thread? Because I see no compilations. Anyways, here we go:

As the Crow Flies (It's A Murder)

As the crows fly, we are too far apart
It's murder to be further than the stars
It's the very same wounded starlight
Sickened candles, unpolished handles are out tonight

Crow, would you claw me and beat me with your wings?
Blackened feathers flap together for the song that you sing
And I can barely stand to hear it, give me reprieve
That drumming is something pieced together from grief

The crows are killing me
It's a murder
As far as I can see
It's a murder

Marbled eyes, would you break the silence?
I could see for me if you would give me my chance
My wings are not big enough, I'm falling far too deeply
Oh hated bird, teach me words on the science of sleeping

I can't see too far ahead but I can't let go
I'm so tired and blinded by the size of the crow
He seems to know something I don't know
Of hopelessness and promises written in the snow

Where's my lesson to be learned?
It's a murder
As far as I'm concerned
It's a murder
Last edited by Trudogger at Jan 21, 2009,
#2
Quote by Trudogger

It's a murder to be further than the stars
I would lose 'a'


Apart from that miniscule detail I thought this was fantastic
#3
Pretty good. A few pieces seemed they could be worded better but still good.
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
Quote by Necrophagist777
I'm ORION, LORD OF EVIL, give me your soul and breathe in my darkness.

YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS......
╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮
#4
will be back. blackdotted.
by the way, your speech seems incredibly... cohesive for someone who hangs out in the Pit/
#5
Quote by flyman
Apart from that miniscule detail I thought this was fantastic


Hey, thanks, I never thought of that. And it does looks better that way.

Quote by ORION
Pretty good. A few pieces seemed they could be worded better but still good.


Thankee sir. Which lines did you think could have been worded better? I do agree with you, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. I think that the first line in the last chorus is a bit awkward, especially when it is put to music, but I wouldn't know how to shorten it so that it fits more into place. By the way, since this is C4C, would you happen to have some poetry I can actually critique?

Quote by Hesh
by the way, your speech seems incredibly... cohesive for someone who hangs out in the Pit


Haha, a compliment to be sure. I think the difference is that I actually think a while before I post.

Also, my original question was never answered: Is there basically only one song/lyric allowed per thread? Because I've got plenty of writings, and it would be easier to make a compilation thread, putting all of them together.
Last edited by Trudogger at Jan 21, 2009,
#6
Honestly, the first two lines of the whole song are my favorite.

It's pretty kool!
#7
Quote by Trudogger

Oh hated bird, teach me words on the science of sleeping

I can't see too far ahead but I can't let go
I'm so tired and blinded by the size of the crow
He seems to know something I don't know
Of hopelessness and promises written in the snow


Possibly words to ways, and sleeping to sleep.

As for the underlined not sure about the first bit or the last line it just didn't flow to me. The "line Blinded by the size" bothered me I read it and "deafened by the cries" came to mind.

Edit:"Written in the snow" could just be "written in stone"
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
Quote by Necrophagist777
I'm ORION, LORD OF EVIL, give me your soul and breathe in my darkness.

YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS......
╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮
Last edited by 0RI0N at Jan 22, 2009,
#8
As the Crow Flies (It's A Murder)

As the crows fly, we are too far apart
It's murder to be further than the stars
It's the very same wounded starlight
Sickened candles, unpolished handles are out tonight
This was a pretty good stanza. Didn't really seem like the opening of a piece, though. You just sort of jumped in with the imagery and ideas. The other big problem was flow. If you read this to yourself out loud, it sounds extremely awkward. I'm sure minor modifications could be made to make it smoother. Also, shouldn't it be "as the crow flies" instead of "as the crows fly"? On the positive side, I loved the internal rhyme murder/further and the imagery in line 4.
Crow, would you claw me and beat me with your wings?
Blackened feathers flap together for the song that you sing
And I can barely stand to hear it, give me reprieve
That drumming is something pieced together from grief
Meh. Nothing here really grabbed me. I think that forcing yourself into this complicated rhyme scheme is hurting your ability to convey ideas. But, if this is a song, that's ok. Reprieve/grief was a forced rhyme. The second pair of lines didn't flow with the first pair. In fact, the whole last line was definitely mediocre.
The crows are killing me
It's a murder
As far as I can see
It's a murder
The chorus, I guess. I would maybe replace the third line, but again, that's all really your decision.
Marbled eyes, would you break the silence?
I could see for me if you would give me my chance
My wings are not big enough, I'm falling far too deeply
Oh hated bird, teach me words on the science of sleeping
Your lines got longer every time! The flow really obstructs the reading experience. I liked "science of sleeping" and "marbled eyes".
I can't see too far ahead but I can't let go
I'm so tired and blinded by the size of the crow The size? Might want to revise that.
He seems to know something I don't know Try using "what" instead of "something"
Of hopelessness and promises written in the snow

Where's my lesson to be learned?
It's a murder
As far as I'm concerned
It's a murder


I really wanted to like this. The rhymes were good for the most part, I liked the idea, and your style (at least on this one) was very atmospheric. However, problems like the flow and some forced rhymes kept this in the average category for me. The good thing is, you can easily modify those problems

To answer your question: I don't think there's any specific rule against compilations, but I wouldn't advise trying it. The people who give helpful and thorough crits will look at the entire thing closely, and no one wants to do more than one piece at a time. Bottom line: you'll get more crits submitting one piece at a time.