#1
These are the lyrics to a new song my band Poor Reeves wrote. There are certain sections I'm not quite happy with yet, so any help would be greatly appreciated.



On Account of...


MOST RECENT VERSION:


It’s you I’ve been longing for
all these absurd years;
to tell me how it’s not safe to eat the seeds.

This vacuum inside my heart,
blindly pumps the blood the
wrong way up the throat
and out my mouth.

On account of all her care, I’m courteous
It’s not gratitude anymore, It’s obsession.

You offer your services poetically.
In a town that speaks so poorly of you.
To me you’re more than just a whore;
you’re the love of my life; you’re the
apple to the knife

I’ll drown in the apple pool without you.

You stow away the eccentric seedlings
in a garden that grows so frantically.
To me, you’re more than just a whore.
You’re the love of my life. You’re my
future wife.



OLDER VERSION:




It’s you I’ve been waiting for all these absurd years:
To explain why I should not eat the seeds.

The core feels unfulfilled as I remain withdrawn.
There’s not a girl for miles, and not a smile too wide.

On account of all your ways, I’m courteous
It’s not gratitude anymore, It’s obsession.

You offer your services poetically.
In a town that speaks so poorly of you.
To me you’re more than just a whore;
you’re the love of my life; you’re the
apple to the knife.

This party will only end when you say so.

You contain the eccentric seedlings
in a garden that grows so frantically.
To me, you’re more than just a gardener.
You’re the love of my life. You’re my
endearing future wife.





    Digitally Clean
    Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jan 22, 2009,
    #2
    which parts aren't you satisfied with yet?
    i think all in all it's quite good.
    Quote by megadeth rule
    how do you trip on acid? was your shoelace untied?


    Quote by perry589
    Mikko, you remind me of a clogged up toilet. You're the poo that won't go away.
    #7
    I really loved the way you'd round of the stanzas (chorus?) by rhyming. I enjoyed all of this.
    "The core feels unfulfilled as I remain withdrawn"
    I didn't like that, I felt it was too wordy.

    That's about it nitpicking wise. Sorry, this is the best i can do.
    #9
    Shit, this was actually great.


    the only thing i felt was that some parts became too wordy without any punctuation.

    that said, im sure you're not retarded when singing these, and so will probably work.


    i really am sorry that i really have nothing much to say on this, but let me tell you i am enjoying sitting here and taking apart each line for how it works and how it fits in and all that.

    its great.
    #10
    Thanks folks. Shame you didn't enjoy it lightafterdark. Maybe next time. Thanks for reading, though.

    I'm very chuffed most people enjoyed it, though. I was very weary with this. The overly wordy sections surprisingly fit the flow of the music, and I wanted some of the lines to be like that; to be extended over long bars and time periods. Syllable conjunctions.
    #11
    Quote by AngryGoldfish
    These are the lyrics to a new song my band Poor Reeves wrote. There are certain sections I'm not quite happy with yet, so any help would be greatly appreciated.



    On Account of...


    It’s you I’ve been longing for all these absurd years:
    To explain why the seeds should not be eaten.

    The core feels unfulfilled as I remain withdrawn.
    There’s not a girl for miles, and not a smile too wide.

    On account of all your ways, I’m courteous.
    It’s not gratitude anymore, It’s obsession.


    You offer your services poetically.
    In a town that speaks so poorly of you.
    To me you’re more than just a whore;
    you’re the love of my life; you’re the
    apple to the knife.

    This party will only end when you say so.

    You contain the eccentric seedlings
    in a garden that grows so frantically.
    To me, you’re more than just a gardener.
    You’re the love of my life. You’re my
    endearing future wife.





      Digitally Clean


      Those line are my only problem I didn't really get them
      Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
      Quote by Necrophagist777
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      YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS......
      ╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮
      #12
      Quote by AngryGoldfish

      On Account of...


      It’s you I’ve been longing for all these absurd years:
      this is a little odd because the 'for' could compliment either half of the sentence. When I read it, I assume it compliments the first half and then trip up a bit. I'd assume the same problem would still be there when it's sung
      To explain why the seeds should not be eaten.
      You writers and your seeds, eh!

      The core feels unfulfilled as I remain withdrawn.
      'as I remain withdrawn' feels weird because of the two actions being used together, remaining and having withdrawn... hmmm. Not sure I like it
      There’s not a girl for miles, and not a smile too wide.

      On account of all your ways, I’m courteous.
      'all your ways'... I'm not exactly sure about that. Just not fond of the phrasing
      It’s not gratitude anymore, It’s obsession.

      You offer your services poetically.
      In a town that speaks so poorly of you.
      To me you’re more than just a whore;
      you’re the love of my life; you’re the
      apple to the knife.

      This party will only end when you say so.
      Music should bring this up, right now it's too big a leap

      You contain the eccentric seedlings
      'contain', because of its double meaning, didn't quite get me. I thought it was to do with her holding the seedlings, and then once I'd got that the other meaning didn't connect. I don't think it's the strongest way you can putt hat idea across
      in a garden that grows so frantically.
      To me, you’re more than just a gardener.
      You’re the love of my life. You’re my
      endearing future wife.
      Hmmm... Not sure about this. There's just something about the phrasing of 'endearing future wife' that makes me want to kill something. Or something like that. I'm not sure about it



      There were parts of this I really liked and parts I think could be greatly improved on. A tiny bit more continuity with the seed idea could do this lots of good, and some more expansion on ideas you've put in already within that. I'd love to hear the music. I most certainly enjoyed it
      There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
      #13
      Those lines are referring to how much a girl can help a man. It's like the Neil Young song A Man Needs a Maid. Because of a certain girl, many actually, I feel more courteous and grateful, to the point of obsession.
      Thanks for reading.

      Thanks, Katherine, as well. I am going to see what I can do. You're always the best at criticizing my stuff.
      Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jan 22, 2009,
      #14
      Bollocks douche. This was great. At some moments it stumbled, but the message was strong enough where I felt the piece pumped its own chest out in a way.
      #15
      The only thing that bugged me was the vaccuum heart idea... I didn't feel like it really fit in with the overall feel that I get from this piece. Could just be me.
      #16
      I'm actually going to post the older version, as well. It would be very helpful if folks could assist me in deciding which rendition is better and is more 'finished' and more articulate - getting the point the across is the most accurate and unpredicatable fashion.
      So, keep the comments coming.

      Thanks very much.
      #18
      I'll be here tomorrow some time in school.
      There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
      #19
      Both of these songs have the same problem in my opinion, and that is they jump around a bit too much.

      I think the first new one is better on the fact that it works seeds in with the apple motif better, though I cannot for the life of me figure out what an apple pool is.

      Maybe I'm an idiot, or maybe this is personal on a level I don't grasp, but some of the imagery just doesn't go together in my eyes. Vacuum in your heart, apple to your knife, her being more than just a whore, though I don't see where you've suggested she was one before --

      though I must digress, as a whore is a whore, of course, of course

      -- and then there's a pool of apples and I'm all like, wtf is an apple pool? Also, I don't see where courtesy gives way to gratitude gives way to obsession, and I also don't like the word obsession when directed towards a woman, it's pretty uncouth. I'd go with something more florid.

      However, despite these ramblings, I must say I enjoyed it. The imagery was unique, and strong, despite the fact I've failed to find how it's all interlinked. The usage of phonetics is subtle, but damn near sublime, and I'd venture to say that this will make a fine song.
      #20
      I find myself agreeing with SE on this one. There's a nice imagery, powerful imagery, but it just doesn't seem to want to tie together. I think the new is better only in the sense that the images are stronger. Unfortunately, i just can't find a unifying theme to this piece. Sorry, Dan, this just didn't work for me.