#1
trembling
muscles twitch to the drum circle on the floor
grinning without reason
kind of creepy
i know we were kissing but i don't know how long
or with who around
Are you okay?
nod nod, smile
can't get the right words out
scared, but i dont know how that'll sound
when the words leave my mouth
so i glue it to your's instead

quivering
everyone's left, i think
moan
toss
light in the next room. some noise.
maybe if i brush off i can kind of sound normal
walk over
You alright? Glad you didn't have that second brownie?
Yeah, I.. think I need to go lie down again
something disgusting on the screen they watch
i dont really remember, i think
it was a lady's head exploding

walk back
nothing
Here's some water. I didn't know you were in here.
Thanks
gulp. gulp. gulp.
nothing
You're okay
moan
shudder
You're okay. Here I'll take you home.
nothing

on my driveway
Dad I'm really sick. I'm really sick. I'm going to my room.
stumble upstairs into bed
clothes uncomfortable but
cant get naked
in case anyone comes in.

guilt
guilt
guilt
guilt

mess


morning


I understand that scared you, but it's the lifestyle me and my friends have. Sorry babe.
It's okay. We'll talk.



it's not okay, really.


silence still
disappointment.


dunno yet, pretty personal. c4c
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Jan 21, 2009,
#2
I really enjoyed this. My only complaint is that I don't always like the disjointed style it's presented in. Scattered words like "moan", "moaning", "toss", "silence still disappointment" and "mess" didn't do much for me. I do like the disjointed feel, I just don't think those particular lines worked well.
clothes uncomfortable but
cant get naked
in case anyone comes in.
I understand that scared you, but it's the lifestyle me and my friends have. Sorry babe.
It's okay. We'll talk.
I really enjoyed these two bits. I also liked the font changes during dialogue.
so i glue it to your's instead
I didn't like the word "glue" here.

That's everything I can think of. I have one in my sig if you want to return.
#3
The only line i didn't think worked was "so i glue it to your's instead". I don't know what it is that doesn't work here, but there's something. I'll think about it. I have to disagree with ninjamonkey and say the i thin the scattered words really work in creating this. It's like watching a story on a fractured tv screen or looking at a reflection in shards of glass. It creates this really eerie feeling that i think perfectly encapulates this piece.
#5
I reckon you're one of the most understated writers on here. The intensity in this is bristling and... intense.
There are sections that I wasn't that fond of, but Ben outlined them pretty well.
I think you're writing is so honest, though, and individual that I don't care for the 'slightly-less-than-awesome' lines. They don't really detract enough for me to wish you did something about it. It's the overal feeling that matters in this. Which is often the case with your writing.

Beautiful work.

Digitally Clean
#6
I enjoyed this quite a bit. It is written different to how I write my material and it sort of gave me quite a nice outlook on other styles. I couldn't quite picture what happened at the start, and I don't think the narrator really knew either, am I right?

I think it was well done. Keep it up,


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#8
I read this and felt like I was in one of those poetry coffe shops.
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...
Quote by Necrophagist777
I'm ORION, LORD OF EVIL, give me your soul and breathe in my darkness.

YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS......
╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮