#1
not as polished maybe, but i intend to sing it. c4c.

omaha
i fashioned a cross out of bones and old tape
and i laid it across the newspaper page,
said, "today is the day that the world will not end,
but i'll keep crossing my fingers to be breaking my neck."
and i walk and i walk and i end up nowhere,
and i swam in the oceans with seashell-sand hair,
and i sunk to the bottom where the sea ships were lying
they said, "it's better this way, just leave me to dying."
found christ in a diner on the corner of 8th,
said, "i live in a vacuum tryin' to swallow your pain."
and when you sleep in the ocean you don't care when it rains,
cause the sunlight won't come no matter how many days
i'm coming and going and swimming towards god
cause i already know that he's gone.

god damn,
i am sunk.
god damn,
i am sunk.

well, i'm running and running for weeks at a time
but the chaser keeps coming to swallow my dime
and i paid up to barkeeps who i owed no debt,
while i gave them my life, they dismantled regret,
and i keep on running from these feet of mine
but they sprint and they sprawl and they twist and they fall,
but they're always right behind.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jan 22, 2009,
#3
Hey I live like 2 hours from Omaha

EDIT: And I like the lyrics too.
I'm Tyler
Last edited by Octtwe88 at Jan 21, 2009,
#5
HEY I LIVE IN PITTSBURGH


but seriously
"but i'll keep crossing my fingers to be breaking my neck" was a little awkward

I didn't like seashells/sea ships so close. They aren't in the same lyrical phrase so the repetition doesn't really work for me.

"and i keep on running from these feet of mine
but they sprint and they sprawl and they twist and they fall,
but they're always right behind."
was a little off. these feet of mine works but is kind of a 'cliche' terminology. Next line was alright but kind of weak. and the ending kind of feels off to. There's such a weak connection between 'I' and 'behind' that behind can hardly stand on it's own without a 'me' afterwords..
I don't know

this was pretty solid and probably makes really nice lyrics.

Cool.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
The first two replies to this thread really made me laugh.

The only real problem I had with this is that you seem to jump between tenses here and there. In the first verse, you "walk", "swam" and "sunk", and one of those things is not like the other. The second verse switched from past to present tense as well, but I felt that was done more gracefully and in a more grammatically correct fashion.

The wordplay in this was well done. I definitely enjoyed this a lot. I'd love to hear it when/if it's recorded.
#7
there's some awkward wording in here, and some difficult wording in here. Especially "seashell-sand hair" follow so closely by "seaship". I really loved "I'll be crossing my fingers to be breaking my neck" It was awkward and difficult but it added character. I think this needs to be heard more than read. Not your best, but enjoyable nethertheless.
#8
The use of internal rhyme here is nearly flawless. It added so much to the flow. This piece my friend, read out loud, is absolutely beautiful. I thought "sea ships" was not needed. Get rid of sea?

I felt like this lacked some kind of conclusion though. it ends up a bit abruptly. Maybe i feel that way because the rest of it is just so fucking good, idk.

anyway, thanks a whole lot for posting that.
#9
You are my ****ing god. My ****ing god.

I shall erect shrines in your name, pillage and plunder so that your worshipers are sated, and conquer entire nations to coerce your words as their scripture.

I ****ing love you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
Quote by culex-knight
You are my ****ing god. My ****ing god.

I shall erect shrines in your name, pillage and plunder so that your worshipers are sated, and conquer entire nations to coerce your words as their scripture.

I ****ing love you.





thanks to everyone really. cirular.parade (mat, i believe), i'm completely with you about the end, i recycled parts from another piece i'd written to build it, and i didn't like as soon as i put it together. i'll probably be changing it soon. the "fingers crossed to be breaking my neck" line is cutesy and awkward, but i like to think it adds character like kyle said. i thought the repetition of sea in front of ships right after seashells was so blatant that it worked, but if you all really don't like it that much, i'll probably toss it. anyway, recording probably won't be done for at least a few months, if i do actually get this out. i'm probably going to arrange it, rearrange, then scrap it, write a new melody, scrap that and try to do it accapella, and then probably go with my first idea and track it. it's a process. thanks though everyone.
#12
nick.

thought maybe he was trying to avoid bumping so I figured i'd do it for him. deserves it

this is still really good.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 24, 2009,
#13
It's already been said before, but there is a problem with tenses here and there. That's about the only thing that got to me. Otherwise this is a strong piece - looking forward to reading more.
#14
I love the first and last bit
but i don't like the god damn i am sunk bit, I don't know why but it just seems a bit cheesy or even 'cliche'
I love the rest
Message me if you record it? (it may sound better)
Quote by Dawginator
We don't have spelling bees in England, instead if we get a word wrong, we get stabbed by the teacher. Then they nick our phone, film us, and put it on youtube.

Quote by ZaccB

(I love David Bowie, Just Quietly)