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#1
Its not in traditional script format, and I wrote it in 2006.....so that was three years ago. Uhh ive kinda neglected it but I opened up my email and took a look, thought Id share it. Its more in lines of a tv show..... now that I read it again, I can pinpoint the things I needed to improve on and what not.

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dff729r_0f4gsmj&hl=en
Last edited by BerryTree at Jan 21, 2009,
#3
Quote by BerryTree
Its not in traditional script format, and I wrote it in 2006.....so that was four years ago. Uhh ive kinda neglected it but I opened up my email and took a look, thought Id share it. Its more in lines of a tv show..... now that I read it again, I can pinpoint the things I needed to improve on and what not.

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dff729r_0f4gsmj&hl=en


I got you this:

You're*
#9
Quote by BerryTree
This is for people want to read it and give me imput, dont be an asshat.


You said you already know where it needs improvement.

I offered encouraging words...

It appears that YOU, sir, are the asshat.
#11
Quote by Survivalism
I got you this:

[/QUOTE

too late, i already edited it.


You kind of should know what 9 - 3 is to begin with. So mine, and all the other comments in this thread stand.

Quote by BerryTree
you guys like to stray from the point of the post, Iits a simple typo, jesus christ.


No. It's not. "Teh" is a typo. "Tyop" is a typo that I just made. There's no possible way you can mean to type "three" but end up with "four."
You're*
Last edited by Survivalism at Jan 21, 2009,
#13
Quote by BerryTree
you guys like to stray from the point of the post, Iits a simple typo, jesus christ.

maybe they are trying to say the plot needs more calculators.
#14
pit attention span is well surpassed by your script.
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Wait 5 hours
Be accused by the promoter of being late
Get told we have only a 10 minute set
Play pure noise for 10 minutes

Worst and most amusing gig of my life.

Anyone else had this kind of **** happen?!

Dimebag had a worse gig.
#16
Quote by DarkTom666
2009 - 2006...

*Takes out calculator*

3!

Three years!

How the hell was it four years ago in 2006!?



Lets see here: 2009, 2008, 2007, 2007, 2006,

Seems to me that it was 4 years ago.
Sail upon the open skies
#17
Quote by BerryTree
Maybe I like to receive advise from other people ????


Maybe whoring something you wrote and apparently expecting The Pit to collectively jizz in it's pants over it isn't the way to go about that?
You're*
#18
sorry man, but there is no way that im reading that when its in that format. i suppose two semesters of playwriting has jaded me, but you need to use proper screenwriting/playwriting format.

/rant
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
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#20
You guys are a bunch of fvcking morons.


Its obvious that he's messaging us from teh future.
"Good and evil lay side by side as electric love penetrates the sky"
#21
Quote by BerryTree
Simon- Hello?



Al- Simon, I was walking home this evening and look what I got right in my hand!



Simon- Whatcha find out of the dumpster this time?



The camera switches to Al’s apartment, and he’s seen sitting on his leather coach and talking on his grey cordless phone.



Al- This is serious man, we can make quick cash starting tomorrow! I mean, you said it yourself, the prices of Boston homes are going up, so we need something to do besides our own jobs to pay for our rents.(Smiles)



Simon- Let me hear this brilliant idea…..(sarcastically)



Al- Alright, three words, Preschool teacher aids.



Simon- Eh…….I dunno man, that’s a bit too….



Al- Yea….



Simon thinks of a word to describe the situation.



Simon- It’s just not us.



Al- 14 bucks per hour.



Simon smiles and nods his head yes.



Simon- That job is ours!




wat
#22
Quote by GuitarNinja12
You guys are a bunch of fvcking morons.


Its obvious that he's messaging us from teh future.
Finally, some common sense in this thread!
#24
I dunno, I thought it wasn't very good.
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#25
Quote by angusfan16
Lets see here: 2009, 2008, 2007, 2007, 2006,

Seems to me that it was 4 years ago.

Well let's have a little math lesson here kid.

1: You posted 2007 twice, so you obviously can't count
2: We're in 2009. To have written something 4 years ago, it would need to have been written in 2005.

2006 to 2007 = 1 year
2007 to 2008 = 2 years
2008 to 2009 = 3 years

I wonder if you really know how old you are...


Anyway, who cares. I don't know if my ADD kicked in or not, but I read like 3 lines and just closed the window. It probably just sucked.
#26
Quote by Freddedonna
Well let's have a little math lesson here kid.

1: You posted 2007 twice, so you obviously can't count
2: We're in 2009. To have written something 4 years ago, it would need to have been written in 2005.

2006 to 2007 = 1 year
2007 to 2008 = 2 years
2008 to 2009 = 3 years

I wonder if you really know how old you are...


Anyway, who cares. I don't know if my ADD kicked in or not, but I read like 3 lines and just closed the window. It probably just sucked.



Look man, we all can't be as smart as you.
Sail upon the open skies
#27
Check this program out when you write your next script. Easy to use and formats your scripts properly.

I haven't read your script yet, but I will. You guys can check out one of my scripts as well. It's in my blog, but for the lazy, http://celtx.com/res/1kEqvojZWTHA">here it is. It's feature length and shooting is scheduled to start in the Spring.

I'm gonna be so famous.

/sarcasm
#28
Ugh, I'm sorry but I hate the format. But here goes

The officer's dialogue is unrealistic to say the least I mean try to make it more professional for example "You're going to court!" could be changed to "Sir, your license is expired...[take it from there]. Like watch 3 seconds of "Speeders" or "Cops" and you'll know what I'm on about. I read the first "Act" and a bit of the second but the center thing annoyed the crap out of me. I'll read it later when I'm not so busy and try to give you more feedback but up to Scene 2 it seems okay except for the format and some of the dialogue
#29
haha I enjoyed it and while I was baked reading it I could imagine several of the occurances and scenes.

The opening scene was strong and humorous. I would watch this on TV. I actually lol'd a few times and after the drivers license/supermarket card bit I was hooked. Where is Episode 1?
#30
See,The Pit is why so many people are pro-abortion.
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HONK
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HONK!

from that other thread?


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HONK


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#31
Quote by Freddedonna
Well let's have a little math lesson here kid.

1: You posted 2007 twice, so you obviously can't count


Fail.

Quote by MeltingWaxFace
haha I enjoyed it and while I was baked reading it I could imagine several of the occurances and scenes.

The opening scene was strong and humorous. I would watch this on TV. I actually lol'd a few times and after the drivers license/supermarket card bit I was hooked. Where is Episode 1?


Some of the dialogue is just weird and unusual, but yeah, if there was nothing else on, I'd watch it.
#33
Quote by angusfan16
Lets see here: 2009, 2008, 2007, 2007, 2006,

Seems to me that it was 4 years ago.


by that logic, 2009 is a year ago.
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'cause now we like to make
Weird Music
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#34
Quote by BerryTree
Ill post episode 1 shortly, I might write ep 3 and add the proper format THREE years from the second one.



You should act out a Pilot type thing and put it on youtube with a few of your friends. Like one of the diner scenes or something that wouldn't require special effects.
#35
I normally like reading other amateur writers' works, but I'm not in the mood for a play.
#36
to be fair i only read to the end of act one, but your dialogue was very, very weak and your idea of human interaction is very flawed. also, as eddie murphy and cuba gooding jr. proved to us before, preschool-aged children aren't funny, leaving the whole concept feeling like a dead end.
#37
Quote by NGD1313
to be fair i only read to the end of act one, but your dialogue was very, very weak and your idea of human interaction is very flawed. also, as eddie murphy and cuba gooding jr. proved to us before, preschool-aged children aren't funny, leaving the whole concept feeling like a dead end.


any tips on how to make the dialogue more normal cause it seems im getting a mixed reaction from the responses, was it really THAT weak, or are you just exaggerating a bit.
#38
Quote by soulflyV
wat


I guess they're comedians???


<---- Hasn't read the script.


Either that or they're getting a job to infect preschool teachers with aids.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/LYZyCdp.gif[/img]


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#39
Quote by BerryTree
any tips on how to make the dialogue more normal cause it seems im getting a mixed reaction from the responses, was it really THAT weak, or are you just exaggerating a bit.


no i'm not exaggerating. this is coming from a dedicated whedon fan, but as far as i'm concerned dialogue that concerns only plot-building is almost embarrassing to watch (or read), and the exchange between rickshaw and the officer is inhuman. tips, listen to how you talk to your friends about things, edit out the dick jokes, spice up for the script, and tada, realistic dialogue.
#40
Lol. This topic went to hell super fast. No one wants to waste 45 minutes reading a script. Let us know when they make the movie.
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