#1
This is a bit of a upbeat piece I just put together a few minutes ago...and it only took a few minutes, for once. I'll C4C, par usual.

Note: I'd like to see some of your interpretations of the story it tells as well as a structural crit. See if what I am aiming for is right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sittin' in my chair
talkin' n' smellin' air
Sing a couple; I don't care
Bloods a flowin' through my vains, yeah

Just don't stop 'nd stare
Hey pretty baby whatcha' got there
up in your pretty little hair?
Come on out; Lets get outta here
Anywhere but just not here

Bloods' a flowin' all thru my veins
Just like the tracks nd' the trains

A walkin' down dirt street
dusty roads meet my feet
but it ain't new; I don't care
I'ma talkin' to a lady with nice hair (solo section)

Lady asks! "Are you single? Are you taken?
'Cause you're makin' one nice impression
let me take you to a lake
and we won't leave 'till dawns break!" OH YEAH! It's true

I said "C'mon Miss I hardly know ya
Hows about a night in the sun huh?"
Bloods a flowin' all thru my veins
"How about a trip down memory lane?" (similar solo section played)

Thanks for reading!
#2
Quote by manhangi
This is a bit of a upbeat piece I just put together a few minutes ago...and it only took a few minutes, for once. I'll C4C, par usual.

Note: I'd like to see some of your interpretations of the story it tells as well as a structural crit. See if what I am aiming for is right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sittin' in my chair
talkin' n' smellin' air
Sing a couple; I don't care
Bloods a flowin' through my vains, yeah
Decent. It makes up that free flowin' image. I do think that here and in the next stanza, you killed the "-air" rhyme. It's just too much. I also don't like the "talkin' n' smellin' air" part as far as how it sounds when you say it aloud.

Just don't stop 'nd stare
Hey pretty baby whatcha' got there
up in your pretty little hair?
Ugh. I didn't like this line.
Come on out; Lets get outta here
Anywhere but just not here
There are times where rhyming the same word is okay, but this isn't one of those times. The only time I'd ever do it is if the second line was a knockoff from the first, and it isn't. The idea is, but the word "but" changes the flow.

Bloods' a flowin' all thru my veins
Just like the tracks nd' the trains
I like the image, but I don't think it catches the upbeat mood when you say "just like". Try a different, metaphorical approach.

A walkin' down dirt street
I'd put an "a" in there.
dusty roads meet my feet
I didn't like this line. It didn't create the negativity that the next line expected.
but it ain't new; I don't care
I'ma talkin' to a lady with nice hair (solo section)

Lady asks! "Are you single? Are you taken?
'Cause you're makin' one nice impression
let me take you to a lake
and we won't leave 'till dawns break!" OH YEAH! It's true

I said "C'mon Miss I hardly know ya
Hows about a night in the sun huh?"
Night and sun together doesn't work.
Bloods a flowin' all thru my veins
"How about a trip down memory lane?" (similar solo section played)

Thanks for reading!


As for my interpretations, I thought it was about meeting a girl, but the "memory lane" makes me wonder about their history. But still, I think it's balanced in how much yarn it leaves out. Nice work.
#3
Thanks...there are some breaks that I forgot to put in with semi-colons. This really does need music to make it structured, since it is a very free-flowing lyrical structure. Many of the lyrics structure is based upon where the guitar part is in his riff.

You did hit some of my lyrical choke points, though. Many of them I thought about putting a similar line.

Thanks for the input, I'm gonna keep editing it down.