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#1
Apologies for the wall of text... Generally, you get the gist of it...


REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

-------------------------------------------------------------

THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press info rm people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall
overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him... Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to info rm them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
#2
Hmm. Quite.
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#5
That read like a tabloid newspaper....
Sat in a lab, curing diseases. They actually LET me play with chemicals!
#6


Awesome.
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You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


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#7
Quote by Guitardude19
That read like a tabloid newspaper....


Ah, Middle England. How I love you.
#8
Quote by Jackolas
Ah, Middle England. How I love you.


Pfff
Sat in a lab, curing diseases. They actually LET me play with chemicals!
#10
Yes, because all asylum seekers are terrorists, all 'native' British people are incredibly hard-working and there's no such thing as someone who is poor due to circumstances beyond their control...

A very entertaining way to transmit epic fail.
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Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
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You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
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#12
Quote by neopowell
Yes, because all asylum seekers are terrorists, all 'native' British people are incredibly hard-working and there's no such thing as someone who is poor due to circumstances beyond their control...

A very entertaining way to transmit epic fail.



You didn't read it correctly, FOOL.
#13
Quote by Jackolas
My favourite ever Daily Mail feature was the on-going "BAN THE BIN BUGS" thing... Totally worth checking out with Google......


The Sun covered that same story. My family read the tabloids but I dont since Ive moved out of that god forsaken hell hole full of ignorants.

My dad hates immigrants.

He moved here from Turkey in 1973... *Facepalm*

I cant help it. Every time I read a tabloid I go insane. Totally insane and feel like killing the reader base. I judge people who read the tabloids and take them seriously like inbred morons.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-402439/Germans-plant-bugs-wheelie-bins.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-404399/Residents-revolt-wheelie-bin-spies.html

I dont know what to say. Are people really that stupid?
Sat in a lab, curing diseases. They actually LET me play with chemicals!
Last edited by Guitardude19 at Jan 22, 2009,
#14
Quote by McShredder
You didn't read it correctly, FOOL.


'The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.'

Pretty sure I read that analogy correctly...
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
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You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
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You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

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#17
Guise!!! Gypsees R Etted Our Kidz!!! And Tey Use Da Aimbotz On Counta Strik!!!
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
Last edited by neopowell at Jan 22, 2009,
#18
it'd be a nice badly informed social satire if it were shorter.
As it is, it relies on mass generalisations and exaggerations based on fleeting real life cases and fails to look at all the good reasons for the things it parodies and labels as wrong.

Plus, not just the UK. Throughout the western world we have welfare and bureaucracy.
Quote by mh400nt
Theres rats running around outside my window, one of them has an apple, he looks very happy about this.

Quote by Oblivion_Rps
Oh ****

Aaaah well. It gives me an excuse to rape.


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Bunnywunnywabbitywoos.
#19
You're obviously a Daily Mail reading middle-class arsehat. Sure, I live off benefits on my best friend's sofa, but I'm busting a gut to make my situation better. You just sit there thinking about how comfy you are.

I think you should give me 10% of everything you have.
#20
Quote by big duck
it'd be a nice badly informed social satire if it were shorter.
As it is, it relies on mass generalisations and exaggerations based on fleeting real life cases and fails to look at all the good reasons for the things it parodies and labels as wrong.

Plus, not just the UK. Throughout the western world we have welfare and bureaucracy.


You missed the point me thinks - its not about the grasshopper, the squirrel or the cats - its about they way the British Government deals with things.

I don't want to be a British squirrel anymore
#23
Quote by zhilla
You missed the point me thinks - its not about the grasshopper, the squirrel or the cats - its about they way the British Government deals with things.

I don't want to be a British squirrel anymore


No, I didn't miss the point. Don't patronise me.
I didn't explicitly mention any of the animals, which are obviously metaphors (it's hardly animal farm is it, and that's fairly obvious).

My point was, to expand and put it into simple language, is that even if we do have the occasional spongers that the welfare state is a good thing. Nobody wants to punish people for doing well, middle class people aren't being blamed for the poor, it's just a recognition that we can't leave people out in the cold and that the majority of the unemployed don't choose to be so.

Look at unemployment figures
figures showed that the number of people out of work in the three months to November jumped by 131,000 to a total of 1.923 million


Did thousands of people get lazy over the last year?
Quote by mh400nt
Theres rats running around outside my window, one of them has an apple, he looks very happy about this.

Quote by Oblivion_Rps
Oh ****

Aaaah well. It gives me an excuse to rape.


Quote by Jaymz_515
Bunnywunnywabbitywoos.
#24
Quote by big duck
No, I didn't miss the point. Don't patronise me.
I didn't explicitly mention any of the animals, which are obviously metaphors (it's hardly animal farm is it, and that's fairly obvious).

My point was, to expand and put it into simple language, is that even if we do have the occasional spongers that the welfare state is a good thing. Nobody wants to punish people for doing well, middle class people aren't being blamed for the poor, it's just a recognition that we can't leave people out in the cold and that the majority of the unemployed don't choose to be so.

Look at unemployment figures


Did thousands of people get lazy over the last year?


This. Well said, big duck.
I'm so adjective, I verb nouns.
#26
Quote by big duck
Did thousands of people get lazy over the last year?


Nope... I'd say the last twenty or thirty years.
#27
Quote by CrimsonBizzare
and the moral of the story is:

Labour out!
Toris (or further right) in!


The only reason I'd want the Tori(e)s in is because they have promised to cancel all plans for the new Heathrow runway.
I'm so adjective, I verb nouns.
#29
Quote by McShredder
Nope... I'd say the last twenty or thirty years.


meh,

but don't you agree that all the people who are now unemployed because of the recession should expect society's support?
Quote by mh400nt
Theres rats running around outside my window, one of them has an apple, he looks very happy about this.

Quote by Oblivion_Rps
Oh ****

Aaaah well. It gives me an excuse to rape.


Quote by Jaymz_515
Bunnywunnywabbitywoos.
#30
Totally not a relevant allegory, poor people aren't poor because they "play the summer away." Well some of them are, but it's a pretty bad generalization. Most people are poor because their governments are too conservative to give a rat's ass until the media pressures them into doing something to look good. Half the time that doesn't even work and the public forgets all about the issue within a month.

EDIT: If I had said inb4 big duck, I'd be wrong. He said what I'm trying to say.
Last edited by st.stephen at Jan 22, 2009,
#31
Part of my old man's job is keeping an eye on asylum seekers who immigrate into my home county. It's pretty much a total fallacy that they automatically get given houses, cars and a bunch of benefits.
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
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You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
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You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#32
Quote by neopowell
Part of my old man's job is keeping an eye on asylum seekers who immigrate into my home county. It's pretty much a total fallacy that they automatically get given houses, cars and a bunch of benefits.


My old man's job is in the housing association, he allocates homes to the best applicants and make sure housing association tenants received the best home available.
It's a total fallcy that immigrants are given houses because it's a points system. More points=more chance of getting a house/flat, you get points for having kids, having nowhere else to turn etc. and if you don't have the right paperwork you aren't even considered.

A load of homes allocated from your taxes, he told me (as a supporter of the right wing) go towards single mothers, not immigrants, who have kids to get benefits, people from our country who didn't work in school and just want money for doing nothing...the rest go towards elderly people who may have poor health etc.

RMF


I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
Last edited by Mr. La Fritz at Jan 22, 2009,
#33
Sounds like some sort of propaganda from the daily fail.

Whaaa whaa immigrants take our jobs whaaa whaaa too high taxes going to scum who are too lazy to work whaa whaaa nanny state whaaa whaaa PC brigade stops me calling black people darkie whaaa whaaaa stop the licence fee whaaa whaaa obsceneties whaaa whaaa church forbids gay marriages whaaa whaaa

outraged, tunbridge wells


**** that ****. Daily Mail reading fags..
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Last edited by Mechanixx at Jan 22, 2009,
#34
Quote by big duck
No, I didn't miss the point. Don't patronise me.
I didn't explicitly mention any of the animals, which are obviously metaphors (it's hardly animal farm is it, and that's fairly obvious).

My point was, to expand and put it into simple language, is that even if we do have the occasional spongers that the welfare state is a good thing. Nobody wants to punish people for doing well, middle class people aren't being blamed for the poor, it's just a recognition that we can't leave people out in the cold and that the majority of the unemployed don't choose to be so.

Look at unemployment figures


Did thousands of people get lazy over the last year?


lmao you really don't get it do you? The story isn't saying everyone on benefits is lazy, or all asylum seekers are terrorists - its saying the British government screws the British public, in particular middle wage earners, and cares more about what other countries say/think than whats happening to the country and its population. The only time the British government actually thinks about what the British people might want is when its coming up to election time, and then it only cares how it can con people into voting for it, by making it look like it is reducing taxes and doing something about unemployment, when it is actually screwing as much money out of us as possible. Did you know that on average 70% of what you earn goes back to the government in taxes of one form or another? I don't have a problem with the unemployed, or with asylum seekers - but the British government sucks ass.
#35
angry and stupid daily mail reader is angry and stupid


Did you know that on average 70% of what you earn goes back to the government in taxes of one form or another?


that's the thickest thing ever, a high earner has 40% of their income taxed. any other tax would only be fuel duty, VAT etc, for which you are directly attaining a commodity

put down the Daily Mail please


'New' Labour loves the middle-class and the rich, it loves them so much it totally ignores it's support base and biggest contributors (working class and trade unions) it has even privatised as much as it can so the middle class can get richer
Last edited by imthehitcher at Jan 22, 2009,
#36
Quote by Mr. La Fritz
My old man's job is in the housing association, he allocates homes to the best applicants and make sure housing association tenants received the best home available.
It's a total fallcy that immigrants are given houses because it's a points system. More points=more chance of getting a house/flat, you get points for having kids, having nowhere else to turn etc. and if you don't have the right paperwork you aren't even considered.

A load of homes allocated from your taxes, he told me (as a supporter of the right wing) go towards single mothers, not immigrants, who have kids to get benefits, people from our country who didn't work in school and just want money for doing nothing...the rest go towards elderly people who may have poor health etc.


The thing I've always found hard to understand is people who blame immigrants for, firstly, 'claiming loads of benefits and sponging off the system' and, in the next sentence, 'stealing our jobs.' Surely you can't do both at once...
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#37
Quote by neopowell
The thing I've always found hard to understand is people who blame immigrants for, firstly, 'claiming loads of benefits and sponging off the system' and, in the next sentence, 'stealing our jobs.' Surely you can't do both at once...



so true. Im sorry but I have no time for people who blame immigrants for anything. 99% of the time its pure and utter bull**** being spewed by bitter people who need to blame others for their problems.
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#38
Wonderful!
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So I freaked out and flipped the vegetable tray.

There was ranch everywhere.


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Win


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^^Too bad I can't do this in real life
#39
I used to do street work for a third-world charity and had to deal with racist grannies pretty much every day. I'll never forget being told by a white-haired woman, probably in her 90's, that immigrants had caused 2 million people in the UK to become infected with typhoid...
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#40
Quote by imthehitcher
angry and stupid daily mail reader is angry and stupid




that's the thickest thing ever, a high earner has 40% of their income taxed. any other tax would only be fuel duty, VAT etc, for which you are directly attaining a commodity

put down the Daily Mail please


'New' Labour loves the middle-class and the rich, it loves them so much it totally ignores it's support base and biggest contributors (working class and trade unions) it has even privatised as much as it can so the middle class can get richer



I said what you earn, not what you get paid. Don't forget you also pay national insurance (11%), plus your employers pays national insurance on your behalf (12.8%). Plus Income Tax. Then you pay VAT whenever you spend whats left - currently down to 15% but don't worry the other 2.5% will be clawed back somewhere else. Thats not counting inheritance tax, road tax, the extra tax on fuel/alcohol/tobacco, council tax, extra tax the government stuck on insurance a couple of years back, corporation tax (indirectly a tax on what you earn as its a tax on your employer), capital gains tax and stamp duty, and all the other stealth taxes that you don't normally notice.

Sorry for the rant but yes I'm kind of pissed that every time I turn around the government has found another way to squeeze money out of me.

I agree with you that 'New' Labour has ignored its support base, and it has privatised and sold off all the countries assets. I don't know about that being so the middle class can get richer though - I think its more because the government are inept and don't think further ahead than the next election.
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