#1
Posted this a few days ago under a different title, violation of the rules. i believe it is clear now.

you would sleep with me,
if i jangled car keys off a lanyard, outta my levis
or ran all hundred yards.
broke the outside ties,
osmosis through the window pain
separating our different lives.

do you understand how life works?
you continue to be screwed,
until your head is stripped.
then...stuck.
be kind with words
chisel me like a weak piece of wood.


my purity is an imitation of death.
falling through your sheets, as a dream drifts
like sails in a westward wind.
spinning out of consciousness
mouth to mouth resuscitation
would feel quite fine about now.
Last edited by freshtunes at Jan 22, 2009,
#2
The wording in the first stanza is very disconcerting and slapdash. I didn't even know what osmosis was, in it's entirity. Also, lanyard - which is a very weird word to use - is quite a mouthful and is actually made more difficult to grasp - flow wise - by the use of a rhyme in the following line. Normally rhymes actually condense things and make them more stable. This seems to go off in all directions when the rhyme is added in. (especially when spoke out loud)

- "or ran all hundred yards.
broke the outside ties,"

- I think this is the section that I have the most quibble with.

- "chisel me like a weak piece of wood."
- I find this to be very odd, as well. Does it actually make sense. I apologize if I'm being thick or ignorant. I guess it's just my temperament.

I love the way this was wrote, as a whole. In it's most part, it flows really well and is very gritty. But I'm struggling to find a discernible and poignant point from the piece that I can feel confident with. Because it's so well written, I feel like I - and it - deserve a proper explanation (which doesn't have to be done here, as I know how much that irritates me, personally)
Of course, you don't have to outline your perspective on the piece if you don't want to. It's one of those poems though that I would love to here the full introduction and elucidation of. Just a thought.
Sorry I couldn't help much.

Thanks for vote of confidence on my piece.

Digitally Clean
#4
I think the middle could be dropped, didn't like the reader-addressing change of tone, much preferred the opener and the closer as they got you across much more clearly than the italisced part - much more refined hash of thoughts with the intertwining images and spits of cyniscm than the faux-philosphical central ideas that were spouted in the middle, me thinks.

Keep it up, bruddah.
#5
Didn't fancy the first verse. It seems pretty random and scattered when I read it... maybe to odd word choice...

Second verse, I thought, was a clever play on words. Though, it kinda stood out and didn't mesh very well with the rest.

Last verse was my favorite and I thought it was beautiful.
#6
Definitely not your best, but there is something crying out between these lines. There's some sort of desperation squeezing out of this piece. That's what it did for me anyway.