#1
open eyes from undercover and
wake to the bounce of spring,

the merry screams of children
and gentle buzz of nature waking,

languidly rising out of bed before
peaking at midday - melting into

hours in the shade and rubbing savlon
on the stings and bites, cool the burns

of red and orange leaves with dampened
feet, and orchestrate a rustle on the forest

floor before the bare bark moans in the
wind, a storm approaching where little

snow will fall but frost descends,
and under a double duvet sleep again.
#2
The images are spot on, but there are a couple technical issues.
cool the burns

of red and orange leaves
I didn't like this. It moved too fast from summer to fall, and to associate the burns with the leaves didn't make much sense to me.

Also, "languidly" didn't read very well. I don't know how to describe it other than it just didn't sound right.

wind, a storm approaching where little

snow will fall but frost descends,
I personally didn't like that line break. Maybe it's just me.

That's all I can think to say. The wording used was very good, and I enjoyed it.
#4
It's written beautifully , It shows that How much talented you are but at the same time It didn't hit me on emotional level.

The pause between the images acted as a catalyst even for me .It was indulging and very well executed.

Srry for the lame comment . I'll pickup slowly
Hi
#5
Quote by kunvulshuns
The leaf line made sense to me... since they are the color of fire...


I think the reason I didn't like it is because it took an autumn image and changed its purpose. So instead, you keep thinking of summer by using and image that's not even designed for it, and the transfer to autumn is muddled.
#8
Jamie, this was a pretty cool idea you developed here. The title seems to drive it home. No complaints with the imagery. There are a couple of small nitpicky things I'll mention.

First, the proximity of wake/waking bugged me a little bit. Another thing is that it seemed disproportionate. It took you three stanzas just to get out of bed and then you used only four stanzas to describe the whole rest of the day. Just something I noticed.

Also, it seems you really love your duvet. I think this is the third piece that I remember you mentioning it in

I most likely owe you, but if you feel inclined then the second link in my sig is my latest.

#9
Quote by bassbeat77
Another thing is that it seemed disproportionate. It took you three stanzas just to get out of bed and then you used only four stanzas to describe the whole rest of the day. Just something I noticed.

Also, it seems you really love your duvet. I think this is the third piece that I remember you mentioning it in



Yes, these two points link together Steviekins. It takes me so long to get up because I like my duvet.

Thanks all for your wordnessness.

I will try my best to get back to you.