#1
If I owe anyone crits then leave a link.


I sit alone,
woodstove burning slow
turning this humble home
into a smokehouse.
Sipping on oak-aged scotch
and patience,
it's no wonder I've almost run dry.

It's white out, it's warm in,
temperatures rise with
the increase of crackling,
burning a mix of maple and cherry.
I refuse to turn my chair
to face towards the door,
besides, we've all been late before.

Rough hands nurturing glass
I subtly swirling my drink around
with my left, never putting it down
as I add wood to the fire.
A quick glance at my phone
to make sure I didn't miss her call.
No, I didn't miss anything...
Well...

One more sip and I've run out, so I pour another;
another ghost made of balance and bones,
another reason for eyelids to fall,
and another reminder of why I had never invited her
over tonight in the first place.

It seems winter changes more than just the weather.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jan 25, 2009,
#3
The only line i didn't like here was :
"or has she ever been late before?"

Everything else was stirringly well written.
#5
It's amazing the difference one line can make. Very solid and enjoyable piece of work.
#6
Quote by bassbeat77
If I owe anyone crits then leave a link.


I sit alone,
woodstove burning slow
turning this humble home
into a smokehouse.
Sipping on oak-aged scotch
and patience,
it's no wonder I've almost run dry.

It's white out, it's warm in,
temperatures rise with
the increase of crackling,
burning a mix of maple and cherry.
I refuse to turn my chair
to face towards the door,
besides, we've all been late before.

Rough hands nuturing glass
I subtly swirling my drink around
with my left, never putting it down
as I add wood to the fire.
A quick glance at my phone
to make sure I didn't miss her call.
No, I didn't miss anything...
Well...

One more sip and I've run out, so I pour another;
another ghost made of balance and bones,
another reason for eyelids to fall,
and another reminder of why I had never invited her
over tonight in the first place.

It seems winter changes more than just the weather.



Ah, I remember seeing this one. I really liked the line "Rough hands nurturing glass," and the entire last stanza. Since you fixed that one line Kdownes mentioned, I really can't find anything else wrong with it. I'm just a little confused with the last line as Erlendagh..Guy was. Are you saying you were expecting her to just pop in sometime, or did you invite her? Or is it a switch in your thinking, and you're saying you never really wanted her over? I'm having trouble explaining my question, heh....Or did she already come over, and you're regretting asking her?

Anyways, this was really good overall, I liked it!

EDIT: Oh, and I took into account your critiques of my piece, and I've edited it a little. Could you please take another glance at it? I'll crit anything else you'd like me to.
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Jan 25, 2009,
#7
Great stuff. I found the whole fireplace scenario to be a little clichéd, but you managed to keep me intrigued and enthralled all the way through. When I first started reading it, I thought, ah, not another boring metaphor-like scene. But it didn't turn out like that, at all.

- "Rough hands nuturing glass
I subtly swirling my drink around
with my left, never putting it down
as I add wood to the fire."

- This read a little awkwardly for the theme of the piece and in relation to the rest of the piece's artistic methods.

The reason why you are one of my favourite writers here is because of the way in which you pace things and position the lines. You start off with a line that is straight up and sets a scene nicely. It's not often poignant or powerful, just enough to tease the reader into continuing. Then you will add something unclear and mysterious. Followed by something of more detail - furthering the metaphor or image.
And then you start to bring it back to home a little. Explain it. Not too well, but just enough to help the reader along. And then you'd round it off with something beautiful and it brings it all to a completion - and even alludes to the next line and generally compliments the whole piece as a picture.

BTW, I think "nuturing" is spelt "nurturing"

Very good work and thoroughly enjoyable.

Digitally Clean
#8
Other than I found some of this a little trite and tiresome (eh, the missing calls) and what I thought was too structural description (the opening stanza is always describing where you are in your stuff, you might wanna think about mixing it up a little) and a odd, quirky flow that was never really sure of itself, this passed merit but only cos I know you can do better and resepct as the writer guy we all are.

It didn't movem e hugely; a lot felt as wooden as your oakey alcohol. I think it's time you started to really tie-dye your writing and mix it up, you've been using this tight-knit, verbose, calculated-descriptive stuff, even in the presentation and layout (I know, not a big factor, but to back up my point), I can't remember you ever doing anything too different, maybe apart from the odd random comp.

Would just be nice to see you branch a bit, ya big tree. Otherwise I'll just have to crit you saying "yeah, this is a usual steve piece", and I think secretely you could be anything but usual.

Or something to that effect.