#1
c4c if you like. this is a different writing style from my usual stream-of-consciousness stuff, but not by much. i'm taking baby steps, be nice.

bored with these indolent grins that expand
on the south side of an otherwise excellent view
and the howling is getting on my nerves, but it's true
i would rather eat cake in these times than think of you
as the fireproof walls crush my head 'twixt their willing gray blocks
and the sky is a polaroid of hasty decisions
and fangs in the night that go bump in the day
while the freedom inside my head has gained
and i've crafted a portrait to put over my head in the rain
with a lady that's smiling but i fail to see
the pursuit of happiness that's expanded for me
like their faces as night cloaks them all in the black
which is moonless; slack-jawed and expressionless
as the curses break bone and the towering oaths turn me blue
all i have is the picture of that person, of you
i'm not done with the wishing for constant
seduction of thought and ignorance in bliss
the dark gray of concrete and the light of the flames
the words lost forever so easily retrieved
with the movement of muscles and the work of the thieves
the outline, the tracing, of something too precious for words
fleeting, clumsy, not still fully sure
how can something be so precious and worthless and fine
when compared to the rocks that are moving in lines
as is the will of a will that is greater than ours
we'll no longer chase goals and lust for the stars
as i curse... curse constantly
the fortune that's dumped itself on my front door
and wants to put itself into the incinerator
because who knows what might happen?

anything could happen
and someone wrote it down...


if anyone needs explanation about what's going on, i'll know i'm not doing it right, as usual.
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Last edited by RPExecutor at Jan 23, 2009,
#2
Honestly, I'm shocked nobody's commented on this yet.
I really liked the overall feel of this. Especially the lines "I fail to see
the pursuit of happiness that's expanded for me
like their faces as night cloaks them all in the black
which is moonless; slack-jawed and expressionless
as the curses break bone and the towering oaths turn me blue" and the last one.

There was only one instance where I felt the flow just kind of stopped, and that was "i'm not done with the wishing for constant
seduction of thought and ignorance in bliss" It makes perfect sense, it's just something about the way it was phrased just kind of turns me off. Other than that, I can't really find anything about it that would make me say it wasn't a good piece. It reminds me, vaguely, of some sort of combination of Between The Buried And Me and FbcFabric & Reindeer, both of which I love.

Good job!
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus