#1
Hey everyone, I just wrote this last night, and it's had very minimal edits so far.

"The midnight syndrome begins to set in.
Everything dances under the stars with a meaning now-
Everything glances back and forth,
Stuck between sobering up calico light works,
And a place no one likes to visit.

Beauty tends to be amplified during this event,
But then, so does the opposite. This isn't always desirable...
The clicks are always disturbing coming from inside an emptied bottle, but isn’t everything? This is that “place”.


Gaia seems to have lost her pull on me.
I’m always floating. Drifting away. And at such inappropriate times!
Always floating. Drifting towards a sunny hillside covering the dead,
Just like books lying open beneath some meaning or another.

The importance of some things leaves me bitter,
With a winded expression, prepared to drain those sweet,
Emotive acts of what some call nobility- acts that will offer an irreversible exploitability
An accidental understanding reveals something that never wanted to be known in the first place-

The category of important things is flawed."


EDIT: I've edited this a fairly good deal. I should hope this is a little more structured and makes more sense, but somehow, I doubt it. Also, I didn't intentionally attempt to rhyme nobility and exploitability, it just kinda... Came about. Thanks again for reading, anyway!
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Jan 25, 2009,
#2
that really was very good overall; took me quite a while to find something to nit-pick. if i did have a complaint about the overall feel it would be that some of the ideas seemed a bit pointless and hard to follow.

the first and last stanzas, however, redeemed any failings the piece had. it was very, very hard to critique (could be a good thing) mainly because it dazzled me with a sort of scientific feel that was difficult to analyze. i'm making no sense here, but this is the best i can do; it's a fascinating piece and to be honest, i would really like to study it more.

and, to wind up... it reminded me a hell of a lot of Sun Of Nothing by BTBAM. ; )
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Last edited by RPExecutor at Jan 23, 2009,
#3
Quote by RPExecutor
that really was very good overall; took me quite a while to find something to nit-pick. if i did have a complaint about the overall feel it would be that some of the ideas seemed a bit pointless and hard to follow.

the first and last stanzas, however, redeemed any failings the piece had. it was very, very hard to critique (could be a good thing) mainly because it dazzled me with a sort of scientific feel that was difficult to analyze. i'm making no sense here, but this is the best i can do; it's a fascinating piece and to be honest, i would really like to study it more.

and, to wind up... it reminded me a hell of a lot of Sun Of Nothing by BTBAM. ; )



I was kind of going for a weird-ass feel, so I guess I accomplished that, haha. I actually was very largely influenced by BTBAM and Doseone for this, so I'm glad it resembles them haha

EDIT: And thank you for your critique
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Jan 24, 2009,
#4
"The midnight syndrome begins to set in.
Everything dances under the stars with a meaning now-
Everything glances back and forth,
Stuck betwixt sobering up calico light works,
And a place no one likes to visit.

I don't see any benefit to using "betwixt" instead of "between"... It makes the line kind of awkward.

Beauty tends to be amplified during the syndrome,
But then, so does the opposite. Do you see where I’m going with this?
The clicks are always disturbing coming from inside an emptied bottle, but isn’t everything? This is that “place”.

Refering to it as "the syndrome" didn't sit well with me... especially not at this point in the piece. It comes off as sounding like it's something that everyone should already be familiar with, which isn't the case. And I didn't like the "Do you see where I’m going with this?" question directed at the reader. It felt out of place and far from necessary. The second question worked alright because it came off as more of a thought process than as you talk directly to someone.

Gaia seems to have lost her pull on me.
I’m always floating. Drifting away. And at such inappropriate times!
Always floating. Drifting towards a sunny hillside covering the dead.
Just. Like. Books. Lying. Open beneath some meaning or another.

I'm not sure the repetition at the beginning of the second and third lines here worked. And it seemed completely pointless to break up the last line. It's not a good spot to use that effect. Usually that is done to add weight to a pivotal thought in the poem, but that hardly seems like the case here. As far as content goes, this was my favorite stanza.

The importance of some things leaves me bitter,
With a winded expression nobody ever wanted to be a part of; too late now.
An accidental understanding reveals something that never wanted to be known in the first place-

The category of important things is flawed."

The "nobody ever wanted" in the second line doesn't work well with the "never wanted" in the third line considering they're supposed to be separate thoughts. Using both seems to drain any variety of thought that may have otherwise existed in this stanza.

I enjoyed this piece though. It shows a lot of promise. I hope some of what I said makes sense.

Would you be so kind as to check out my latest piece? It's the second link in my sig.