#1
This is a song I've been working on for some time, it's kind of a mocky hip-hop.

"Look at the boring ones
With depressed feet
Look how they stand up with shaky legs
Look how they tighten their lips
Look at the fattie hiddin her tires
Look how she gets tired
Getting down to the bottom, profound, quite deep

With a roundy movement
A little tequila with salt
To stimulate the backbone
And awake all body organs
Lets resuscitate all dead ones
The ones that never dance, that stay in a corner
Without waking up, with the balls attached to the holy thigh
The ones that smell like oldie pee
Those are the ones I resuscitate
And give their appetite back
With a little pornography
Woman, you are all a geometry
You have the pudding just like I like it
Stretched with striae
Like pastries one
With short skirt
Miami's style
Showing half ' the salami

Here I bring you tasty juice
Just dance, it's not like you're nordic
I shake you off like a sneeze
And make you throw up your breakfast
I show you my manly language
And with it, I vaccine you
...
"

Crit please, I'll crit back if you have material
Last edited by frusciante.ve at Jan 24, 2009,
#2
Alright let me start off by saying im HYPER critical. So please dont take offence by what i say Im just going to give you honest feedback.

1: try to rhyme more. If its hiphop it has to rhyme.
2: Use more slang and shoet hand ex. Instead of A little tequila with salt try: A lil tequila with salt.
3.Omit The ones that smell like oldie pee. It just kinda ruins the whole thing for me.

Here is another bit to rethink:

With short skirt
Miami's style
Showing half ' the salami

try instead:

With short skirt
Miami's style
Showing half ya wilds

Here I bring you tasty juice
Just dance, it's not like you're nordic

try:

Its time to Just dance,
Im here to bring you dat tasty juice
it's not like you're robot
Woman get loose

thats just off the top of my head
If you want more add me as a friend and ill help you work on it.
Keep up the good work.
Last edited by shadowfoxomega at Jan 24, 2009,
#6
I quite like this!

The same criticism as the others, as its based around hip hop id throw in a few rhymes (but dont rhyme words for the sake of it). Other than that with a song like this, its hard to judge as it doesnt have any real structure (not a bad thing), i'd need to hear it played/sung to fully appreciate it for what it is i.e a good piece of writing!.
There's riddles in the shadows
They're thrown the way that i'd expect
And people never seem to know
What they least suspect is coming next
#7
pretty much jus rhyme more but id throw in some slang or something if u actually tryin 2 make it sound hip hopish cuz i listen 2 a lotta hip hop n it dont really sound like it...din again dis jus da lyrics so cant tell dat much...but yeah its pretty good
"dear gravity, you've held me down in this starless city."
#8
I never read the "Mock-Hip-hop" part, so really the first little bit sounded a bit to me like country/bluegrass. And i would take out the oldie-pee part.
#9
damn, I made this thread as a joke, I thought this would be funny but you took it seriously. You'd have been helpful If I actually needed help with this, so thanks and sorry if I wasted your time

By the way, this is an actual song pretty known in this side of the world, it doesn't rhyme because it's in spanish, I just tried to translate part of it.
Last edited by frusciante.ve at Jan 28, 2009,