#1
See what you think of this, coz I'm not sure

Verse1
These are tough places
Living in tough times
Never seing similar faces
They are twisted in the vines
Of life

Chorus
The places are seeming to feel the same
The mistakes I made are haunting again
I know where I am
I am stronger than
I could ever be

Verse 2
The road ahead seems indistinct
Leading to the philosiphy
You were linked
By the temptation to flee

Chorus

Bridge
To be what the majority told me
To be what the minority despice
I never thought I would find myself here again

Chorus x2

End
Please tear it to pieces and tell me how to get better
Quote by Dawginator
We don't have spelling bees in England, instead if we get a word wrong, we get stabbed by the teacher. Then they nick our phone, film us, and put it on youtube.

Quote by ZaccB

(I love David Bowie, Just Quietly)
#2
First of all, let me say that this piece flowed well and I really liked the rhyme scheme. But I think the content can definitely be improved. For instance, take the first verse. Expand upon it. Describe in detail what's so "tough" about the place. One of the best pieces of advice I got in regards to writing was "Show. Don't tell". Also in both verse 1 and 2, there seems to be a disconnection between the two halves. In other words, I don't see how lines 1 and 2 of verse 2 relates to lines 3 and 4. Same goes with verse 1. Anyways, sorry if this crit came off as harsh. I just know you could do better than this. Anyways, i hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
What Are Friends For?
#3
Before you add any future writings, try typing them up in Microsoft Word and double check spellings and meanings. Bad grammar can really spoil the enjoyment of a piece of text.

Verse1
These are tough places
Living in tough times
Never seing similar faces
They are twisted in the vines
Of life (This could possibly be dropped as it breaks up the flow and the reader/listener should perhaps be left to work out that the vines symbolise life i.e. how a tree is often used as a symbol for life, The Tree of Life etc)

Chorus
The places are seeming to feel the same
(Perhaps change "seeming" to "beginning" - it just doesn't feel right to me)
The mistakes I made are haunting again
(I like the use of past decisions becoming ghosts)
I know where I am
I am stronger than
I could ever be

Verse 2
The road ahead seems indistinct
Leading to the philosophy
You were linked
By the temptation to flee
(I don't particularly like this verse beyond the first line. It feels like it was put together and that the sentences don't cohere to one another)

Bridge
To be what the majority told me
To be what the minority despise
I never thought I would find myself here again

End
Please tear it to pieces and tell me how to get better
(I personally think this is your strongest line)

I'm not clear what meaning is behind this song but you obviously stand opposed to something and/or are in a situation that you find unpleasant. There seem to be contradictions though (possibly intended). You say you know where you are and how you are stronger than ever yet you ask how to get better?

As with one of the other posts I read commenting on your songs, possibly try and hint more and what you mean rather than say it - "show, don't tell". I find studying other artists lyrics help.

Hopefully my criticism will be useful.
#4
Verse1
These are tough places
Living in tough times
Never seing similar faces
They are twisted in the vines
Of life

(here the rhythm is good and i could see how it would be a good tune, but the content is really quite waffley. Maybe some more images, and like 'themarsvolta' said, "show, don't tell" so maybe something like,
"these are the kind of places
you'd avoid most of the time"
or something like that, just to spice it up a bit so we can imagine the scene a bit more)

Chorus
The places are seeming to feel the same
The mistakes I made are haunting again
I know where I am
I am stronger than
I could ever be

(Once again, good rhythm, could be a great tune, but... there seems to be a contradiction in this, first we have the impression of the character beeing bored and haunted, then we are told that he feels confident and strong. Make up your mind! I think maybe he should be trying to get to something better like
"I know where i am
but that's not where
i want to be"
this seems more inkeeping with the rest of it)

Verse 2
The road ahead seems indistinct
Leading to the philosiphy
You were linked
By the temptation to flee

(now the first two lines are good, as a philosophy student i can assure you nothing is more indistinct, but then we are introduced to a random character out of the blue, who doesn't seem to have any real part other than to fill lines, try to keep things a bit tighter and closer structured)

Chorus

Bridge
To be what the majority told me
To be what the minority despice
I never thought I would find myself here again

(this is ok but i think it should end
"i never thought i would find myself here again
but i know where i am")


Chorus x2

End


All in all you have a very good sence of rhythm, and as such could be a very good lyricist, but you need to work on you r content, be more imaginative, and try to be a bit more original.

Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#5
Right I've taken in all of the advice and came up with this, hope you enjoy

I know where I am

Verse 1
I can barely see the path you walk along
That's why I choose to travell alone
The twisted vines
Of the tree of life
Has shown you the wrong way
In how to deal with every day
That comes racing towards you

Chorus
The places are beginning to feel the same
The mistakes I made are haunting again
I know where I am
I am stronger than
I could ever be
With you

Verse 2
The road is clearer than ever before
That's why I walked out of the door
Your insolence made me choose that way
And there is nothing you can ever say
That will take me back to that day
Of when you ditched me for another guy
Coz it's not right

Chorus again
Guitar solo

Ending
I went off for a minute or two
When I came back it was all over
I hope you're happy with him
I never thought I would find myself here
But I know where I am
Quote by Dawginator
We don't have spelling bees in England, instead if we get a word wrong, we get stabbed by the teacher. Then they nick our phone, film us, and put it on youtube.

Quote by ZaccB

(I love David Bowie, Just Quietly)
Last edited by timeizprecious at Feb 3, 2009,
#6
That's deffinately an improvement, the whole "other guy" thing's a bit cheesy pie though,
and this line

"It's the least I deserve at all"

Doesn't really work.
but i like most of what you've done with it.
Especially the first verse and the ending.

Would you mind checking out mine
it's called "Be my Something Special (You Will Never)"
(sorry i still can't do links!)
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
Last edited by mcmeddesr at Feb 3, 2009,