#1
C4C

its the first one I've really written that wasn't 'stolen' and hopefully isnt too cliche.

A heart torn cynic dances through the street he’s made,
Shocking everybody, watching the clouds fade.
Gazing up at the silver sky, realizing he’s been wrong.
Steps into the lamplight, humming his new tune.
Murmurs a whisper: “how ya feeling dove?”
The hole in his chest is gone, he’s weightless now.
Warm fuzzy feelin’, he’s wondering why its there,
Doesn’t really care: it’s good enough that its there.

She flashes that smile, catches him unaware,
He can’t help but think that it’s all a little unfair.
She gives a laugh, says: “look, the pessimist’s returned.”
Those distant thoughts, realizes he never learns.
He’s got so much to say, but his tongues gone numb.
Instead he wonder’s how and why he’s succumb;
So he smiles back; “thought I’d give it a try,”
Doesn’t realize those are the words that get her high.

Angel, our time was short from the start,
Stars imploded, than thunder struck my heart.
The new dreams can’t make me forget,
How you’d cry on a September day.
Summer ended, but there weren’t no regrets,
Sing to the moon and we’ll find a way,
How we used to dance, dance the night away,
And the worst of our fears were allayed.

Underneath her window, tapping the night away,
It’s raining and he’s got flowers, it’s so cliché.
She comes out, nightgown trailing, lighting the scene,
Her face lights up, the sun just rose and dried those tears away.
He says, “I can’t do anything without you.”
He says, “But I’d do anything, just for you.”
“They’ve all got secrets, these little people we see,
They’ve all made promises, but that don’t set them free.”

So he’s sitting at his desk, pen’s working away,
Trying hard to work in some guarantees,
But he still doesn’t know how to write a love song,
The way he thinks they are supposed to be.
Trying desperately to work away the dull days,
But he doesn’t know the right words to say.
She slides over, asks, “babe, is something wrong?”
Truth is; he doesn’t know where he belongs.

Angel, our time was short from the start,
Stars imploded, than thunder struck my heart.
The new dreams can’t make me forget,
How you’d cry on a September day.
Summer ended, but there weren’t no regrets,
Sing to the moon and we’ll find a way,
How we used to dance, dance the night away,
And the worst of our fears were allayed.
Quote by Zero-Hartman
The Bible is awesome. Revelation is so badass, I mean, dragons and angels and the devil having an epic battle in the clouds? Badass.
Last edited by Shadow_Hawk at Jan 24, 2009,
#2
A heart torn cynic dances through the street he’s made,
Shocking everybody, watching the clouds fade.
Gazing up at the silver sky, realizing he’s been wrong.
Steps into the lamplight, humming his new tune.
Murmurs a whisper: “how ya feeling dove?”
The hole in his chest is gone, he’s weightless now.
Warm fuzzy feelin’, he’s wondering why its there,
Doesn’t really care: it’s good enough that its there.

I'm not too fond of the phrase "heart torn cynic". There's just something about the "heart-torn" that doesn't sound right. I think "paved" is a better fit than "made". Not too keen on the "ya" here. It just doesn't fit with the rest of the language. I really liked the last three lines. They made me feel warm and fuzzy.

She flashes that smile, catches him unaware,
He can’t help but think that it’s all a little unfair.
She gives a laugh, says: “look, the pessimist’s returned.”
Those distant thoughts, realizes he never learns.
He’s got so much to say, but his tongues gone numb.
Instead he wonder’s how and why he’s succumb;
So he smiles back; “thought I’d give it a try,”
Doesn’t realize those are the words that get her high.

I would really like to see some more imagery here. You paint a great scenery in the first stanza and I would like that to continue.

Angel, our time was short from the start,
Stars imploded, than thunder struck my heart.
The new dreams can’t make me forget,
How you’d cry on a September day.
Summer ended, but there weren’t no regrets,
Sing to the moon and we’ll find a way,
How we used to dance, dance the night away,
And the worst of our fears were allayed.

First two lines were beautiful. actually i really liked this whole stanza. Only thing that bugged me was the fourth line. I think it would flow better if you rewrote it so "September" was the last word.

Underneath her window, tapping the night away,
It’s raining and he’s got flowers, it’s so cliché.
She comes out, nightgown trailing, lighting the scene,
Her face lights up, the sun just rose and dried those tears away.
He says, “I can’t do anything without you.”
He says, “But I’d do anything, just for you.”
“They’ve all got secrets, these little people we see,
They’ve all made promises, but that don’t set them free.”

Once again, another solid opening. Very romantic. Not too fond of the last two lines though. The criticism there just doesn't fit with the romance and praise of the rest of the stanza.

So he’s sitting at his desk, pen’s working away,
Trying hard to work in some guarantees,
But he still doesn’t know how to write a love song,
The way he thinks they are supposed to be.
Trying desperately to work away the dull days,
But he doesn’t know the right words to say.
She slides over, asks, “babe, is something wrong?”
Truth is; he doesn’t know where he belongs.

i thought this was a nice sentiment to close off the piece with. The first line however, seemed kind of choppy, it didn't flow right. (Maybe it's just me though). I really liked the third and fourth lines. Also for the fifth line I think you should change it to some how mention how day after day he tries to find the right words to say. Just a thought.
Angel, our time was short from the start,
Stars imploded, than thunder struck my heart.
The new dreams can’t make me forget,
How you’d cry on a September day.
Summer ended, but there weren’t no regrets,
Sing to the moon and we’ll find a way,
How we used to dance, dance the night away,
And the worst of our fears were allayed
.

Anyways, great job with this and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
What Are Friends For?
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jan 25, 2009,