#1
yee-haw. c4c. ots.

note: i hate writing introductions. just thought it best to point out, i'm alluding to a song here, not attempting to plagiarize it in any way shape or form.


a minor player in the cowboy scene
littered with stray footprints,
and it wasn't like rats in my house,
it was more like rats in my bed.
it was more like heat trapped in my skin,
all the while screaming sloppy love songs with a lisp,
and when i talk i'm just moving my mouth
and it's all about someone just embracing the sound,
saying, "just shut the fuck up, cowboy nick, you're embarrassing yourself."
but i wasn't a saloon-owning, gun-totin' son of a bitch,
i was just a staccato-eyed, rusted-blood sheriff of stick 'em up.
and with every god-damn sip and stare back and forth flip between
drunk and lonely, i surrendered. i surrender.
and every cocksucking cub scout knows the sun rises in the east,
because god hates cowboys and saloons and gunfights and pickup trucks
and so do i god damnit. i fucking hate this place.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jan 25, 2009,
#2
Brilliant. F ucking brilliant. Your more recent stuff had started to relax a little but this was pure brilliance. Loved it loved it loved it.
*goes to worship small shrine in your honour*
Last edited by kdownes at Jan 25, 2009,
#3
yeah this was nice

he drove the desert
fired his rifle in the sky
and says, god if I have to die you will have to die


the contrast between the actual song and this was interesting
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
This sounded very Elliott Smith, but I didn't get much of a vivid scene here; the scene created felt quite forged (like a far too farmiliar drunken scene), made it all cliche for me. But I did like the Rats allusion, that was reassuring.
I wasn't too fond of this; it felt detached and failed to resonate. A lot of it felt very ots and not much was really said.

I'm aware that when all is said and done, you're just alluding a song and I did like some parts, where your true ability was clearly apparent but they were parts that felt like a non-effort, that's the only thing that gets me.

hmm... sorry for the lame crit; maybe I just need to hear the song first to get it.
#6
cowboy dan by modest mouse.

the lines jimi wrote up there are from it (best part of an amazing lyrical song, btw). it plays like a goofy song about cowboys and somewhere in the middle it boils into an existential crisis. it's really unbelievable. the lyrics from that whole record have really been destroying my life (and fucking with my writing) lately.

thanks for the crits btw, guys.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jan 26, 2009,
#7
I think that the cliched imagery is made more than excusable by the way it contrasts with "Cowboy Dan". And the very odd opening story of rats helped the piece introduce something a little less creative. You started off originally and went into something unoriginal, which is okay with me.
Your words almost slipped up on themselves later on in the song and that alludes to the roughness and on the spot feel to the piece - even though it's clear that a lot of effort and thought has been put into the piece.
Sorry I don't have anything majorly contructive to say. I did enjoy it and I did say why.