#1
Worthy was the dirge
to your virgin ears.

You, bloodless stillborn,
at mercy before you even tasted
the salty kiss of a wound,

before temper and temptation
singed you like the naive wick
once lit, slips aside the melt.

Deaf - dead to verse
and sorry of the sense,
no word again will cross

these lips for you in any pretense,
no deploring of reaction,
no something of nothing.

No ember without the match,
a wrist flicked burns the ties
and smokes out what lies behind
the trees;

such a worthy verse was lost
over petulance and that red rage,

blood spilling between the lines
drawn up with an attentive hand,
flittering between pen and hair.

Yet you, in full flesh of nature,
flash a flame over the paper
and matches, embers, smokes -

your ears, waxed, melt not.


Woah, dark territory.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 25, 2009,
#2
this was amazing, really. i had to read it a few times for meaning but it was really no chore as it was so beautifully written. powerful, too. awesome stuff man.
#3
This is very very well written. There is nothing that I found noticeably poor or broken. I'm really enjoying what it's entirely about and how I should go about reading it. It's not forced, either.

That's all I have to say, unfortunately.
#4
it's pretty and borderline gruesome and the enjambment works marvelously. But I can't stand how perfect the meter, syntax, and language is. It is sickeningly proper and felt nearly passive in it's beautifully detached imagery. Don't get me wrong, some of the language here is awesome and enviable and the fact that you pulled some of the themes off so flawlessly throughout the entirety of the piece without redundancy is something very special. But I can't honestly tell you, no matter how many times I read it, that I truly felt engaged as a reader.

#5
sickeningly proper=sickeningly English. You're envious

Nah, I appreciate you posting and your words, Dylan. Likewise to you Dan, and Mr. Curry Sir.

Thanks musketeers.
#6
Worthy was the dirge
to your virgin ears.
I liked the assonance.
You, bloodless stillborn,
at mercy before you even tasted
the salty kiss of a wound,
What language here! Already set up a tone. The second line was a bit wordy, messed up the flow.
before temper and temptation
singed you like the naive wick
once lit, slips aside the melt.
The combination of naive and wick bothered me a little bit, but at this point I'm really stretching to find weak spots.
Deaf - dead to verse
and sorry of the sense,
no word again will cross

these lips for you in any pretense,
no deploring of reaction,
no something of nothing.
The repetition (especially since you used the same structure in the last stanza) was irritating. At least keep things consistent.
No ember without the match,
a wrist flicked burns the ties
and smokes out what lies behind
the trees;

such a worthy verse was lost
over petulance and that red rage,

blood spilling between the lines
drawn up with an attentive hand,
flittering between pen and hair.
I loved all of this
Yet you, in full flesh of nature,
flash a flame over the paper
and matches, embers, smokes -

your ears, waxed, melt not.
The yoda-like structure here was a little ridiculous, but you probably have your reasons for setting up the last line in such an unusual way.


I have to agree with what #1 synth said. Also, I'd like to add that I couldn't feel a coherent meaning here. I'm not sure whether that's because of me or the piece, but it's probably me (refer to my title). The language was impressive.
Last edited by Hesh at Jan 26, 2009,