#1
c4c thanks


I frequently slip, into useless memories
any one of the many washed out days;
Your average Joe, with a handful of friends
and another of change but,
spending like a practiced hobo
who caught some leprechauns
knowingly only having a week left
before his fully empty funeral,
and drifting through every days’ lesson
day dreaming of wild love sessions
here, there, even freely on air
with a sun bright beauty
that made all the cool guys
fall faster than lumbered trees
begging please like a dog for treats.
Years later I keep having flashbacks
of my old dreams of wants and needs
all coming to be, and all so easily
only to come to-
and grin almost wanting to shout.
Those days could pass in a minute
as I would yawn, wait and twiddle
my thumbs for my certain nothing
to slowly roll down my dirt road,
but man if I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn’t have felt so damn dim
hopelessly staring at that beauty
pretending she didn’t see, she didn’t know.
The thought of walking the halls alone, half stoned
running the mental track passing the thoughts
of her thoughts, her happiness, her family;
yes it’s these miniscule memories I love
cause I'm not sure what I would of done
if I had known then, that years later
that very beauty would be talking to her parents
about living, loving and marrying that poor red head
that kept drooling over her at the back of class.
Last edited by mindtrek at Feb 17, 2009,
#3
Quote by mindtrek
c4c thanks


I frequently reminisce
about all those washed out days.
Your middling fool, with a handful I don't like the repetition of "fool/ful" here
of friends and another of change
spending like an expert hobo
who just found a million cash, This can be said better. Just the bluntness of "found a million cash" doesn't seem to work
as I was more than aware of my
certainly futureless future. The lack of punctuation is starting to annoy me. It's becoming difficult to read with some of the line breaks and punctuation
Sitting through life lessons
never learning, only yearning "learning/yearning" is not only cliche, but it just starts to sound bad now.
for that sun bright beauty
making all of the cool guys
drop to knees begging please, please, please! again "knees/please" is bad. These two lines are very weak.
and day dreaming of wild love sessions
here, there, and everywhere there’s air. This line's a bit of a mouthful
Years later I keep having flashbacks
of my old dreams of wants and needs
all coming to be all so easily,
only to come to- the dash isn't needed, the enjambent (line break) here implies the dash.
and grin almost wanting to shout.
Then, days could pass in a minute
and I would still be yawning and waiting
But man if I knew then what I know now,
I wouldn’t have felt so stupid
hopelessly staring at that beauty
only to turn away from and back to this line break here is bad
pretending she didn’t see, she didn’t know.
The thought of walking the halls alone, half stoned
running the mental track passing the thoughts
of her thoughts, her happiness her family;
yes it’s these miniscule memories I love
cause I'm not sure what I would of done
if I had known then, that years later
that very beauty would be talking to her parents
about living, loving and marrying that poor red head
that kept drooling over her at the back of class The last four lines are the best so far


I tried to be as harsh as possible. This isn't bad, but it could be much better. There is a lot of cliched and weak writing here. If you want to return the favour, a word on "autumn's ashes" would be nice. The link's in my sig