#1
ew. lustsong.

c4c.
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It must have been purely chemical chance...
one glance was all it took to briskly halt my tumbling dance and
force my feet to detour from the bowels of the building.
Ploughing through avalanches of well dressed offerings that lumber,
bubbling, stumbling, through the slack jawed, maw of the animal.

the only queen my fingers ever yearned for was spurned.
leased to the greasy creatures, burned in upturned glasses, with no hope of return.
so its east into the woods to escape the grinding teeth and wide eyed stares
away from the horrors and the hubub of the sinners.
my best effort at a gussy warped and skewed in the bulb of a chrome tap
so i walked away cursing whoever in despair, destroyed the mirrors

a slow clap tracked the third and seventh beats
I followed the alpha and beta bees
that swarmed to the smoke
that poured from her mouth
in pollen bursts of laughter.
i watched as old routines were swatted away with damaging accuracy
then theyd move on to bother the next flower that opened in the darkness.

pufed up i toed towards
as swarms all ached and groaned around me
darting in and out of air conditioned cubby holes
to reload on rocket fuel and keep engines ticking nicely over,
three bought and paid for chalky smiles were all i needed to pull her
safely from the wreckage of credited skylines
and gaudy supered novas

then when i could taste the stars in the bottom of my glass, it was off to compare fabricated mythologies and fade into the fabric of the furniture.

we settled in nicely until nettles sprung up between my fingers
at which point we clambered through the ceiling to escape and find some light.
our eyes and ears were blasted as tinitus screamed an epilogue of the evening
and happily both our bodies withered from all the pesticides.

i can smile squinting at the burning fresh horizon
and happily sing squealing harmonies at the sunrise,
just so long as i can walk home on my own this morning,
and i wont have to walk anywhere alone tonight.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Jan 29, 2009,
#2
this deserves to be read more so,

1st line last stanza. burnig = burning?

wish I could offer more help. the second =to last stanza threw me off a little bit, but Im probably just missing something. and I really liked the last two lines, summed it all up pretty well.
#3
ill get back to this, thanks to the ubiquitous blackdot ()
thanks for critting mine
#4
fixed,
thankyou
and no problem.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#5
Alright, so I'm finally getting back to you:

It must have been purely chemical chance...
one glance was all it took to briskly halt my tumbling dance and
force my feet to detour from the bowels of the building.
Ploughing through avalanches of well dressed offerings that lumber,
bubbling, stumbling, through the slack jawed, maw of the animal.
It's obvious that you put a lot of work into the internal rhyming here. I didn't like the phrase "bowels of the building" at all. Just seems like an ugly phrase. "Bubbling, stumbling" felt like you only needed one of those there. There shouldn't be a comma before maw. Overall, I liked the first line but the rest of the stanza didn't interest me.
the only queen my fingers ever yearned for was spurned.
leased to the greasy creatures, burned in upturned glasses, with no hope of return.
so its east into the woods to escape the grinding teeth and wide eyed stares
away from the horrors and the hubub of the sinners.
my best effort at a gussy warped and skewed in the bulb of a chrome tap
so i walked away cursing whoever in despair, destroyed the mirrors
At this point I'm getting overwhelmed by the sheer amount of rhyme that you put into your stanzas. The flow was just the tiniest bit awkward here. It should be "hubbub". This stanza was significantly better in terms of imagery.
a slow clap tracked the third and seventh beats
I followed the alpha and beta bees
that swarmed to the smoke
that poured from her mouth
in pollen bursts of laughter.
i watched as old routines were swatted away with damaging accuracy
then theyd move on to bother the next flower that opened in the darkness.
I really liked it up to the last two lines. These should definitely be broken down, although I can't easily see how that would be done.
pufed up i toed towards Is it supposed to be "puffed"?
as swarms all ached and groaned around me
darting in and out of air conditioned cubby holes
to reload on rocket fuel and keep engines ticking nicely over,
three bought and paid for chalky smiles were all i needed to pull her
safely from the wreckage of credited skylines
and gaudy supered novas
The last three lines were just like, "what?". The wording of the third-from-last line was very awkward. "As swarms all ached" also bothered me. The middle couple of lines were nice. "Gaudy supered novas" was just hard to say, although it does acquire a different sort of meaning in the way you put it.
then when i could taste the stars in the bottom of my glass, it was off to compare fabricated mythologies and fade into the fabric of the furniture.
I really liked these lines. Keep em.
we settled in nicely until nettles sprung up between my fingers
at which point we clambered through the ceiling to escape and find some light.
our eyes and ears were blasted as tinitus screamed an epilogue of the evening
and happily both our bodies withered from all the pesticides.

i can smile squinting at the burning fresh horizon
and happily sing squealing harmonies at the sunrise,
just so long as i can walk home on my own this morning,
and i wont have to walk anywhere alone tonight.
The last two stanzas were easily better than anything else in this song. You restrained your rhyming hunger and made it something I could connect with.


Well, I'll be honest. I didn't like this very much; but I certainly admired it. What I mean is that when I'm reading it, I can sit back and think "Wow this guy is a genius at rhyming and imagery and assonance" but I can't actually like it because it doesn't connect with me at a human level. The language you used for the most part was rather grimy, and although it may have been on purpose, it still made it hard to read.
Sorry that I don't have anything very positive to say, but I gave you the best crit I could. Thanks for being so patient.
#6
yeah, grimy was what i was going for.
the fear, sweat and sexual inadequacy you feel when you are punching way above your weight.

and the chalky smiles/skylines/supered novas thing is a veiled reference to recreational drugs and people who drive cars they cant afford/look like twats in.

and as for the second to last stanza: theres a few little personal parts sprinkled here and there. i do that a lot. generally makes for confusing reading, i know, but they mean a lot to me i suppose.
i could explain if you're really interested.

thanks for the crit.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Feb 3, 2009,