#1
something silly, something cute, something with an ending that is too heavy handed and line breaks that will drive you away because I posted them verbatim from the 5x5 notebook (I write small). lolz 4 love.


the cutest scrapbook poetry-maker out of Portland since 1994 will be here all night

Findings in the Scientific America journal
askew on the coffee table, green felt seat
covers on the cushions, the radiator burns
hotter than it would ever need to if it just wanted
to keep us warm

If love is only for lovers I’ll call my
feelings for you the most exquisite not-love
and if not love cant live in the hearts we have
it will have to live in that spot in the sky
that alternates between clouds, sun, stars, moon,
airplanes, and the warm feeling of knowing.

I write your name in a magazine, young adult
scissors that just don’t cut anything very well
and wont ever be as safe as your smile, its
been awhile I say since the night I knocked
at your door shivering, high on Robitussin,
and my arm still burned from when I passed out
in the snow. you made me toast, I remember
and I still tell everyone that your toast is the best
toast I’ve ever had, because it is.

If love can be reduced to biological discussions,
results, procedures, and hypothesis
then let’s cut it up, slather it with glue stick
and, through a process of laughter, alchemy, imagination,
and thumb pressure, turn it into that most exquisite not-love
ever.
-

when I was done I held your name in the air
like when we held our hands out to God as if to say,
see? we’ve figured it out,
because we have.
#2
the most exquisite not-love

Probably my favorite line.
I loved this piece, it was amazing. The whole bit about toast, brilliant, the motif of not-love, brilliant, gahhh i envy your writing. Probably one of the best parts about is how there is no stutter, the whole piece just flows and is so solid. In truth, when i read the first two lines of the final stanza i was unsure of it. then the follow up, "because we have." really sealed it as a solid ending.
this one is for you.
#3
I won't say anything about the line breaks, except that some actually work in your favour. Anyway, I tried to, but cannot nitpick this. My only complaint is that i feel the first stanza is a bit weak and a bit slow, but that's probably just me. I agree with Erik about the ending.
#5
I thin the last two lines of the ending are much stronger than the first two. The last line is a great way to end it
#6
there are parts of this that I rather like, and larger parts that I kind of despise. Or resent? Whichever.

I'll come back to this. If I left my crit as it is, I'm sure you'd thoroughly discount it (and rightly so?)
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#7
"If love is only for lovers I’ll call my
feelings for you the most exquisite not-love" loved it, the piece is really good, I was amazed.
The ending was strong and delightfull, one of the better pieces I've read on this forum, really mate. You have a good way of making me think and see imagery, really liked this.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1052700&highlight=Erlendhagen3
#9
and blood will run
through the streets of rome today.

thankies to all and to all a good thankies. I know it's not the strongest piece technically, mostly meant to be cute. Ed, I would much like it if you tore this apart.

turns out the girl I not love doesnt even like me. of course. worlds turn sour so fast. we're still opening our eyes in the morning and so we breathe. jeeze.

#10
I'm not a fan of the super long ass titled songs, because It usually ensures a ****ty scene/emocore song... But your lyrics disproved that.

Honestly, these lyrics kick ass man.
#11
I don't normally visit these parts of the forum, and have never posted on these. But your lyrics are really very good I do agree that some of the lines are weaker than others, but I could easily ignore that on account of how awesome the rest of it is.
Say no to drugs, but drink is good...
#12
I'm new on this part of UG, and just recently started looking at other's work. Anyway, I must add your lyrics are some of the best I've seen so far. Specially this this concept you used there: "most exquisite not-love", it's plain brilliant. Keep them coming!
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
#13
You've already summed the content yourself so I'll just pick out a couple of things. There was no way to get around the first line being boring, making it difficult to be enthusiastic about the rest right away. After that it picked up to a cozy pace and similarly so story. The only other thing that caught my attention was loss of opportunity with wordplay between not-love and not love. After not-love, when you went on to say and if not love, I read it as if there were a comma; and if not, love can't live in our hearts.. Got me a little giddy until I read the rest and realized my mistake. Something to think about, anyhow.

Nice poem though, writer-fag.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.