#1
To Wake

A thought too proper,
Caught midst the lucidity,
Embraces the void.
Dismisses the nihil,
As I now dismiss the dream
Which knows not of me.

You respond to all,
Polyp of the thriving reef.
I retort to none,
Though a wave of glee
Permeates the morning air.
An eerie comfort.

The clock ticks to tear
The pristine silence of mine.
Bringer of order.
Keeper of the time,
For subdividing my fate
In seconds too pale.

And then two steps back,
Lingering and wondering.
And now two steps back,
A step too many.
But now I start to wonder...
Were there steps at all?
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#2
Quote by darkstar2466
To Wake

A thought too proper,
Caught midst the lucidity,
Embraces the void.
Dismisses the nihil,
As I now dismiss the dream
Which knows not of me.
Not a bad start. Nihil is not a good word for this I think (latin for"nothing" right?). The period in the middle of the stanza really broke it up in place that bothered me, I would get rid of it. The 5th line was too wordy.
You respond to all,
Polyp of the thriving reef.
I retort to none,
Though a wave of glee
Permeates the morning air.
An eerie comfort.
The image of a polyp was very distracting. You have all this cold, almost intellectual language and then you switch gears suddenly. THEN, the rest of the stanza switches back! :$ :$ Anyways, I liked the rest of it. You do seem to be building this up effectively.
The clock ticks to tear
The pristine silence of mine.
Bringer of order.
Keeper of the time,
For subdividing my fate
In seconds too pale.
Maybe change the second "the" to "this". The third line would do better with a comma. The time/mine rhyme was a little unoriginal, but it works fairly well. Overall, my favorite stanza.
And then two steps back,
Lingering and wondering.
And now two steps back,
A step too many.
But now I start to wonder...

Were there steps at all?
An effective ending. However, I didn't like how you managed to repeat "steps" four times. Try to narrow it down to maybe two repetitions if you can.



What I really liked here was your consistency with language. You really have a feel for words with the same "color" if you know what I mean. The stuff I didn't comment on I liked.

C4C? Architect in sig.
#3
Thanks for the response. I don't think I have the power to change this guy without rewriting a sentence fully. If you notice the syllable count, the stanzas are all two sets of haikus put together. The 'polyp' sentence is meant to throw the reader off; I wanted to capture the essence of a semi-lucid dream/reality where anything is possible. The 'polyp' sentence throws the reader off and brings him/her right back.

I really do like the idea of this little poem though - it's about the few minutes before you wake up, where you sometimes experience a little lucid dream, but are confused by the seamlessness of reality and dream (i.e. your clock ticking, sunlight, etc.)

I'll critique yours.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie