#1
just something that spilled out. prose really. i'm sure you can relate.


romance is a funny thing.
but not funny "haha'.
more funny like one of those jokes that make you cry.
i try my best to get girls to want me, but i always
seem to be the perfect guy you don't need. so once
you show me that you don't want or need me, i stop
talking to you first to make me feel like i don't need you.
truth is, i don't really NEED you. but i sure as hell want you.
but you end up going to someone else who doesn't make you
happy.


or even worse, he does.

i really wish i could blame it on you, but this sure ain't the first damn time.
my heart seems to be made of pain, making it hard to even look at myself
in the mirror.


"...miserable man that i am..."


i just think the problem is that the ones quick to say
"i love you" are always the first to say "i hate you".
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Last edited by clay pots at Jan 27, 2009,
#2
yep, prose for sure. Your right, everybody can relate to this. Sorry I cant give alot of feedback, I dont know much about prose! Although the 'heart made of pain' line, I think you could be a little more creative, instead of pain use something a little more unique. That is if your going for a metaphor.
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#3
"...miserable man that i am..."

This is easily the worst line. By a long way.

Self reference, putting yourself down, pointing yourself out, is very weak. Sure, it gives extra character to the speaker, but that's not what I want here. What you've done is created this wonderful, thoughtful, rambling person, then with that single line, ruined him with a sweep of self-pity.

capiche?


That said, this was (imo) fantasmic content. I'm not too sure if I like how you presented it, but there's nothing wrong with what you've done. I think I'd just like this in a completely different format. However, asking you to do so would be ridiculous, so I don't suggest you try. Just, I like you

c4c, endorphins?
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 27, 2009,