#1
it shined, so beautiful;
the irony of an aesthetically pleasing killer
is still humourous, despite all of this
and im glad to be reminded that
i still have an emotion left

draw it across my skin, an artist
wait for inspiration, for the line to
develop into something brilliant
(we all know that doesnt happen on its own)
an orgasm of fear and anger and hatred, and happiness
and guilt

here it comes, the rush of chemicals
im blind
my mind is blind
i don't care, still going,
forget the consequences,
feel alive, feel real,
lose yourself.

-

"look he-"

"leave me alone, you cant help,
not with that mindset anyway,
lose the arrogance
forget the ignorance
im sorry
but this forced normality
is better than the usual
"



pride-guilt-shame-guilt repeat
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 29, 2009,
#3
I like your dark-ish style, the topic of your lyrics is quite interesting too. And I personally find this part to be simply great: "an artist wait for inspiration, for the line to develop into something brilliant"
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
#5
i thought the second stanza was easily the most powerful.
the rest seemed a empty by comparison. like you forced yourself to write them.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#6
Quote by ginjaninja
the object shined, so beautiful; the irony

First line break is meh. Really killed any flow to thought; which makes a bad lead in. Already giving me a jab and you really haven't given me anything to peak an interest.

of an aesthetically pleasing killer
makes me smile, despite my situation
and im glad to be reminded that
i still have an emotion left

To be honest; I feel like your line breaks let this whole section down. Everything that should have been emphasized to develop a scene and really make it somewhat intense (which will also develop more of a character behind the humor) was broken in two by a line break instead of standing on its own to draw on the power of natural pauses via line break. Without other punctuation; it really dragged this down.

draw it across my skin, an artist
wait for inspiration, for the line to
develop into something brilliant
(we all know that doesnt happen on its own)
the beads of crimson pop out from under cover
feel myself fill with feelings, wait to explode;
an orgasm of fear and anger and hatred, and happiness
and guilt

Some good lines at the beginning and end. From "the beads" to "to explode".... drop that shit. Be an artist; not a story teller. A narrative of this piece would sell like ice to Eskimos... its a cutting piece; no matter how you slice it (lololol). Your only hope of selling this piece to me as anything other than a standard take on Bright Eyes; you need to haze it like oyu have been doing. Those 2 are like 40pt Century Gothic font being typed across edvard Munch's work saying "HE'S SCREAMING... SEE!" Don't do that to me.

here it comes, the rush of chemicals
im blind
my mind is blind
i don't care, still going,
forget the consequences,
feel alive, feel real, lose yourself
in the frenzy of feelings.

Drop last line. Alliteration is nice; but again... just spelling it out for me. Give me some credit; this isn't primary school.
-

"Now look at the mess you've made,
are you proud, do you feel happy -
blah blabble blobble dobble
cliche motivation is sufficient
im blind to your suffering,
and i think that you should stop
"

This seemed so blatantly forced. You could have written this much better... you could have hit a lot more bases; and really developed something a lot more "hateable." This feels rushed.

"leave me alone, you cant help,
not with that mindset anyway,
lose the arrogance
forget the ignorance
im sorry
but this forced normality
is better than the usual
"

Good honesty, etc... but not nearly as impactful with the hollow stanza infront of it.





It was tolerable; which is a big step for a piece on this subject for me. I'm assuming this is something you are dealing with; and if so... my deepest condolences. Being there sucks.

This does need some spiffying though; before it can really shine through what you need it to.
#7
thanks zach, as always.
you god.

and yes.


edited, still working on last two stanzas.

and, specific advice for line breaks?
(better/worse/where)
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 29, 2009,
#8
The current edit reads very well. Quite good. Kudos.
Gibson LP Studio
Epiphone SoCal 50
#9
Quote by ginjaninja
it shined, so beautiful;
the irony of an aesthetically pleasing killer
is still humourous, despite all of this
and im glad to be reminded that
i still have an emotion left

i think what lost effectiveness here was that how this was constructed in terms of timing and striucture; they are many ways for you to achieve this. The line breaks didn't add tension, or a sense of character. There were hardly any punctuation marks, which again is an effective tool for you to regularly incooperate. It wasn;t a bad opener, but you can certainly take this to the next level I'm sure.
"and i'm glad to be reminded that" could probably be phrased better; I'm sure you can think of something.

draw it across my skin, an artist
wait for inspiration, for the line to
develop into something brilliant
(we all know that doesnt happen on its own)
an orgasm of fear and anger and hatred, and happiness
and guilt

I liked this; very raw and very real and I also liked the distinctive personality that was largely apparent after reading; I don't have much to offer and has great potential.

here it comes, the rush of chemicals
im blind
my mind is blind
i don't care, still going,
forget the consequences,
feel alive, feel real,
lose yourself.

This didn't appeal to me, it didn't grab me as well as the last stanza, and that's what lets this down in terms of interest.

-

"look he-"

"leave me alone, you cant help,
not with that mindset anyway,
lose the arrogance
forget the ignorance
im sorry
but this forced normality
is better than the usual
"



This felt rushed, you, apparently, didn't develope your ideas solidly to illustrate a vivid scene or story; I think you can do better.


Overall, I think you have good a good solid idea that can be developed to very high levels, It will be interesting to see what you will do with them.
#10
I'd replace the 'and' between fear and anger with a comma; I love the effect the line break gives that part, and taking out that 'and' would heighten that. I hate saying 'is what it is' but this really is just that for this genre. It gets the mood out, to be sure. The tone is developed and strong. It's built on emotion rather than imagery, which is fine but a combination of the two is ideal. That's why I'll call it good, but nothing beyond good right now.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
it shined, so beautiful;
the irony of an aesthetically pleasing killer (nice one)
is still humourous, despite all of this
and im glad to be reminded that
i still have an emotion left

(nice opener, instantly gives me the idea of what's happening but there's still a nice bit of mystery, nice enigmatic writing)

draw it across my skin, an artist
wait for inspiration, for the line to
develop into something brilliant
(we all know that doesnt happen on its own)
an orgasm of fear and anger and hatred, and happiness
and guilt

(once again very nice, very descriptive, but i'm not sure about the word orgasm, i can see why you've used it, it's a good hook word and it certainly grabs attention, but does it really describe it very acurately? and you also went from it being very positive, to very negative, maybe the negative should be more of an undertone, eg
"an orgasm of lights, colours, happiness, before the fear and the guilt"
but i dunno)

here it comes, the rush of chemicals
im blind
my mind is blind
i don't care, still going,
forget the consequences,
feel alive, feel real,
lose yourself.

(very nice can't fault you on anything here)

-

"look he-"

"leave me alone, you cant help,
not with that mindset anyway,
lose the arrogance
forget the ignorance
im sorry
but this forced normality
is better than the usual"

(and a nice way to finish)

all in all i thought this was a damn good piece, but it occasionally could have been spiced up a bit more with some more imagery.

Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#14
It's the line breaks. I reckon it's the line breaks that stops me from liking this to it's degree that it clearly has. Next time, do it better.