#1
Tell me
of all that remains, Mr. Andrews,
of such verses in which we write,
of failed blessings
and delusion.
My pride remains formless,
a sand in the distance.
A foolish find
for a foolish mind;
cigarettes bring little
as one gets older.
You can hear the music.

Humility and grace
it perches in the heart, over
and over; rigid is the soul.
How distant is salvation,
how intolerable is the sun?
I hope to acquire wisdom
ay, Mr. Andrews-

I sleep soundly in the afternoons
where the tea and biscuits are laid.
I no longer strive for such things;
I no longer wish to yield
not here.
This is the saddle season,
the cruellest of days.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 21, 2009,
#2
Quote by Bleed Away
Tell me
of all that remains, Mr. Andrews,
of such verses in which we write,
of failed blessings
and delusion.
My pride remains formless
a sand in the distance.
A foolish finding
for a foolish mind;
cigarettes bring little
as one gets older.
You can hear the music.
I loved the foolish/foolish lines. "Cigarettes bring little.. as one gets older" felt a bit fragmented, like they some what convey what you are trying to say, it just feels odd reading it. the beginning is good, and overall it flows pretty well.

Humility and grace
it perches in the heart, over
and over; rigid is the soul.
How distant is salvation,
how intolerable is the sun?
I hope to acquire wisdom
ay, Mr. Andrews-
No complaints here, I liked the "How distant is... ...is the sun?" lines the most out of this stanza.

I sleep soundly in the afternoons
where the tea and biscuits are laid.
I no longer strive for such things;
I no longer wish to yield
not here.
This is the saddle season,
the cruellest of days.
I loved the last two lines. The whole piece just kind of rolls on and doesn't hook the reader, at least not me, but the final two lines definitely brought the whole piece together.


It was an interesting piece. Not my favorite from you but still really good.
this one is for you.
#3
A foolish finding
for a foolish mind;

id prefer
a foolish find
for a foolish mind.


to really accentuate the thingything.


this whole piece flows pretty well, but there really isnt much there to grab my attention. it was... "passive". that said howver, it was an extremely good read once i went on.

there were a couple of brilliant lines here, and...im glad. this was good. there was nothing out of place, nothing ruined the tone. the tone was brilliant, in fact, i just didn't like how passive it was.


c4c, endorphins?