#1
you ain't gonna die for anyone
ain't that right

showerpipes
run through the ceiling
in my room
the dirty water
rushes against
its rusted prison
I lay, and listen

walk by
as you exfoliate
your face
and I admire
the foliage
in a painting
I've seen
a thousand times

spray black paint
on the speed limit sign
when I make my escape
won't hesitate
just drive

not jesus, country,
friends, family,

lovers

ha

but I take seconds
of burnt dinners
so you won't cry

not
for
much
longer

'cause I've realized
you ain't gonna die for anyone
but you're gonna die with no one

ain't that right.

I'm working on two novels, and most of my creative efforts are going towards that, so you'll be mostly getting writings much more deviant from me than you'd typically expect going forward, at least until I quit on another novel. I hope you won't mind.
#2
there was something quite sweet but simultaneously cold about this (until the end of course).
like an old married couple that cant bring themselves to divorce.
ignoring her for a painting, but still noticing what shes up to, then eating her rubbish dinners so as not to hurt her feelings.

then the ending hits like a bag of spanners.
any warmth i felt instantly dissipated. good show.

one thing i didnt really get was the "spray paint" bit. gave me an image of a guy trying to drive-by with a paint can.

other that that, this was nice.

bigup.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#3
i thought you did a really good job with this. it was simple, vague, but it told a story with few words. Just good writing.

solid flow, solid development. no complaints.


I enjoyed it. Not as moving or enthralling as you're capable of but a good read nonetheless
word.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
remember me?


you ain't gonna die for anyone
ain't that right

(nice beginning, punchy straight to the point and the question makes the tone ever so slightly mocking of the character in question which is nice)

showerpipes
run through the ceiling
in my room
the dirty water
rushes against
its rusted prison
I lay, and listen

(a good way to set the scene, but i'm not sure about the metaphor, if the pipes are for the shower how come they're dirty? (sorry i'm knittpicking but...) and what's the image you're actually trying to put forward? 'cause it doesn't seem to have any point)

walk by
as you exfoliate
your face
and I admire
the foliage
in a painting
I've seen
a thousand times

(I like the expansion of the characters, the vanity of the other person and the condesecion of the main character to them, deliberate indifference. Or is it the beauty of the other person and the main character trying to seem indifferent?)

spray black paint
on the speed limit sign
when I make my escape
won't hesitate
just drive

(haha nice idea)

not jesus, country,
friends, family,

(i like this line)

lovers

ha

(very nice but maybe it could be

"lovers?

ha!")

but I take seconds
of burnt dinners
so you won't cry

(being totally honest, don't really get this, unless it's to do with pre-mature ejaculation, in which case it's a good image, although slightly strange)

not
for
much
longer

'cause I've realized
you ain't gonna die for anyone
but you're gonna die with no one

ain't that right.

(very nice ending, but you know that)

all in all i did enjoy it, but i think the characters could do with some more expansion, some extra personality traits and stuff so you can really appreciate the theme. Nice one though.

Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

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That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!