#1
A pile of strategically lumbered down trees is sorted out in a carefully planned blue print drawn by our parents. Each ring in every two-by-four has a place much like the DNA held within the biological process. Sadness occurs after assembly, during which a New England winter lingers like a sickness only once your immune system has been battered by the tough restless nature within to finish a task.

Stepping back in early March to marvel at your creation, the boots worn to warm your feet are wet from the remaining sweat stained snow. At eye level a dilapidated cabin stands, with a rotted pine timber struggling to hold back the wind. Tears replace sweat gathering around a hammer sleeping softly in the melting months. Recovery does not ward off disappointment, and contentment never comes to breath during a break.
Last edited by freshtunes at Jan 27, 2009,
#2
yeah I thought this was very good. you do a good job being vague but getting a picture across.

I thought the proximity of sweat stained to replace sweat was a little offputting.

otherwise, this was a solid read. glad you keep trying new things.

if you get bored, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1054290
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
Yes, you broke the mould again. I really enjoyed this but i'm going to have to read it a few more times before it soaks in.
#4
wow this is funkalicous

no idea but i get the picture

sum it up?

check this out if your feeling kind and generous
#5
i don't know if the title actually represented the piece in a literal fashion, because if so, it altered the meaning for me. and also if so, this is the best piece of writing i've read, in well, i fucking forget.

no one knows what it's like to tweak unless they've actually tweaked.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


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#6
This is absolutely, utterly beautiful. I have never felt so ****ed in the head like this, followed by the desire to cry copiously.
I have felt very unimpressed recently by everything, but there is a sadness to this that is so intense. I still feel like I need to find a new meaning that could well in the piece.

I love the way you worded things. I love the simple imagery. I love the layout.
There were a couple of sections that I didn't like:
- "the boots worn to warm"
- This makes me feel ill - the wording.

The opening line could of been better as well. "lumbered" is disconcerting.
Also the repetition of sweat plays a similar role in making me feel uncomfortable. Maybe that was your goal?

Once again, very very good.

Digitally Clean
#7
I read beautiful boy by david sheff in one day, and absolutely fell in love with the book, I'm finishing up his son Nic Sheff's book right now. While reading I found myself connecting with the people in both books, and scribbled this down. Thanks for the feedback, and please pick both books up, they are excellent.
#8
I liked this, especially the part about DNA, that was a really nice image, and i really like the progression of it, from blueprint to decomposition, very nice, and very original, so Kudos.

Cheers
Ru.
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