#1
This song/poem is slightly inspired by the writings of George Loring Frost, an English writer, specially by his short story book Memorabilia (1923).
So here it is my first draft, it's still rough on the edges but it'll give you the idea. Also, I want to change the title, not quite convinced of the actual one. C4C.


The room is cold
Paintings hanging on the walls
A man came in
Walking through a closed door

No one's around
Footsteps nothing else
The sun goes down
As two men exchange some words

"Do you believe in ghosts?"
Asked the first

"No, I don't"
The second said

"Neither do I"
The first replied as he walked through the wall

No one's around
Footsteps nothing else
The sun went down
As a man spoke alone

There's no one else around
Paintings hanging on the walls
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
Last edited by TaV0 at Jan 27, 2009,
#2
Sounds more like a good poem, It's wierd cause I can't quite put a beat to it, but thats my opinion, I have a feeling it's probably gunna make a crapload more sense when put to the beat in your head...

But I think the lines about "do you believe in ghosts" then the guy walks through the wall, That was awesome. That was really kool.. lol. I'm curious to see more from ya!
#3
ok. so i like the simplicity but potential effectiveness of this. bringing it around like you did could work. the complaint i have is the roughness of the language. The diction and syntax specifically.

take, for example, the dialogue. First of all, what is being said could be worded more interestingly. Second, the 'he said' 'he replied' etc. is just kind of boring and unnecessary. If you took those lines out, you would have the exact same thing. You need to add something to those to make them contribute to the piece. Just a few words-- where was he looking when he said this? in what tone was it said? where were his words directed-- straight at the other man, or more into the air?
You know what i mean?
I guess I'm saying there wasn't much to hold on to writing-wise. I'd work on trying to pack some meaning into every word. Try to bring it to life (irony? ).

I'm not trying to be harsh if it comes across that way.
Hopefully this helps.

look forward to seeing more from you
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Quote by jiminizzle
ok. so i like the simplicity but potential effectiveness of this. bringing it around like you did could work. the complaint i have is the roughness of the language. The diction and syntax specifically.

take, for example, the dialogue. First of all, what is being said could be worded more interestingly. Second, the 'he said' 'he replied' etc. is just kind of boring and unnecessary. If you took those lines out, you would have the exact same thing. You need to add something to those to make them contribute to the piece. Just a few words-- where was he looking when he said this? in what tone was it said? where were his words directed-- straight at the other man, or more into the air?
You know what i mean?
I guess I'm saying there wasn't much to hold on to writing-wise. I'd work on trying to pack some meaning into every word. Try to bring it to life (irony? ).

I'm not trying to be harsh if it comes across that way.
Hopefully this helps.

look forward to seeing more from you


Thank you mate, I can see what you mean. I must say English is not my native language, but still it's not an excuse for rough sytnax and/or diction. I'll try to do some changes regarding the dialogue and perhaps the other verses.

Cheers!
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
Last edited by TaV0 at Jan 28, 2009,
#7
Quote by Gunsandammo90
dude it's good, i put a beat to it and it sounds like a good rap song.


Thank you mate, although I do not see this song to be quite rap-ish, haahaha, I conceived it more with a shoegazing/post-punk/noise rock style. But hey, who knows?

Cheers!
Beau, oui, comme Bowie
Last edited by TaV0 at Jan 28, 2009,
#9
I liked it. But I agree that its difficult to put a beat to. What is your chord progression? Its a nice image though, one of ghosts in conversation. Would like to read more if you are still working on it.
#10
The room is cold
Paintings hanging on the walls
A man came in
Walking through a closed door
This was incredibly boring. You could have said this in two lines or less. I underlined the key words, so really, if you just get them round the right way.
I don't know, the general format of this was a dull way to begin, and sets up nothing, give no detail at all. There's no point telling us that it's cold, or that it's a room. Tell us how cold, what kind of room, how big, what kind of air etc. This just draws a blank tone wise.


No one's around
Footsteps nothing else (I don't get this, feels like there should be some kind of punctuation here.)
The sun goes down
I still don't care for any of this.
As two men exchange some words
Finally, something! (Although, how has "one man enters", then "no one's around" then "two men" come up? the simple logic of this is perplexing)

"Do you believe in ghosts?"
Asked the first

"No, I don't"
The second said

"Neither do I"
The first replied as he walked through the wall
The second man should "reply", and the first should "said", as the second did not ask a question. Also, the delivery of this line could be better, either with a comma or a line break before "as".

The format/sytnax of the speech here is childishly simple.


No one's around
Footsteps nothing else
The sun went down
As a man spoke alone

There's no one else around
Paintings hanging on the walls

I didn't much care for the passivity of the tone. It should really focus on loneliness, and associated feelings, rather than distance from anything human (the delivery was very logical ["there is this, there is that, i see this etc] and felt robotic.

I don't know who that guy is though, so maybe this is a good mimicry of his skill. But even so, personally, I don't like it.

However, I do like the idea.
But that, alone, is barely a stanza.

:/
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 29, 2009,
#11
Quote by TaV0
This song/poem is slightly inspired by the writings of George Loring Frost, an English writer, specially by his short story book Memorabilia (1923).
So here it is my first draft, it's still rough on the edges but it'll give you the idea. Also, I want to change the title, not quite convinced of the actual one. C4C.


The room is cold
Paintings hanging on the walls
A man came in
Walking through a closed door
I liked this though i feel the "Walking through a closed door" gave it away a bit too early. seems like this one should have some mystery to it

No one's around
Footsteps nothing else
The sun goes down
As two men exchange some words

"Do you believe in ghosts?"
Asked the first

"No, I don't"
The second said

"Neither do I"
The first replied as he walked through the wall
I liked all of this. the line "Neither do I" the first replied as he walked through the wall is especially good (this is where i feel it should be given away that the man is with a ghost IMO)

No one's around
Footsteps nothing else
The sun went down
As a man spoke alone
I really like this part

There's no one else around
Paintings hanging on the walls
like how you came back to this



all in all i thought it was really good i like the conversation the man has with the ghost and how you managed to put a repetitive part in with a different ending that adds to the story and isnt just there for the sake of making it a song. my only vice would be to change that part to leave the reader wondering and wanting to read on

If you would like to crit mine HERE it is. keep it up man
Last edited by Murauder at Apr 7, 2009,