#1
the bricks on the grey streets are crushing her stride
while the whites from her eyes wash the walls when she cries
and as the sun stumbles through a lifeless blue haze
she holds onto hoping it might just be one of those days.

but when her fallen eyes have crystallized,
the trees all cracked and splintered,
the leaves lay dead beneath her head
and she can hear the sounds of winter;
lighten up says the wind
cruising cool through her hair,
settle down says the window
it's a cold world out there.


so she holds strong,
waiting behind as time moves along.


in the end the bricks crumbled and the walls wept as well,
and again the sun stumbled, then finally fell.
the days were all numbered but none were the same
and the weeds at last tasted the earth on her grave.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Didn't read anything here in a while, but as the reader above said, Wow... really nice.
#7
Thank you.

Gunsandammo90 - More detail would be helpful.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
blackdot, i'll try and be more constructive thna any of them.

emphasis on try, this was very solid
#9
Thanks g, looking forward to it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
and as the sun stumbles through a lifeless blue haze
I tihnk you should look at changing up the syntax so you get more accentuation on the through/blue internal rhyme. However, I can't see you doing that without disrupting something else.

the leaves lay dead beneath her head
Dead/head is a rudimentary childish and often clichéd rhyme.


so she holds strong,
waiting behind
(Line break here?) as time moves along.

the days were all numbered but none were the same
this word ruinss the flow, drop it.


The flow here is orgasmic.

as is the language.
as is the idea.

Really.

c4c, endorphins?
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 29, 2009,
#11
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
Quote by Billyjson
the bricks on the grey streets are crushing her strideThis is a great opening line, I'm getting a picture of a woman walking alone on one of those old brick sidewalks, I think that crushing might not be the best word choice but then again thats just me.
while the whites from her eyes wash the walls when she cries I liked the internal rhyming here.
and as the sun stumbles through a lifeless blue haze i love the word stumbles here.
she holds onto hoping it might just be one of those days.She holds onto what???.

but when her fallen eyes have crystallized, Crystallized didn't really fit, too many syllables
the trees all cracked and splintered,
the leaves lay dead beneath her headdead and head make it sound kinda cliche
and she can hear the sounds of winter;
lighten up says the wind
cruising cool through her hair,
settle down says the window
it's a cold world out there.These last four lines I really liked. I'm not exactly sure what but maybe having inanimate objects talking??? i don't know, but it really clicked with me


so she holds strong,
waiting behind as time moves along.Great 2 lines, they signify a lot about the character in this song/poem/whatever. They tell your audience what a strong individual this woman is.


in the end the bricks crumbled and the walls wept as well,
and again the sun stumbled, then finally fell.
the days were all numbered but none were the same
and the weeds at last tasted the earth on her grave.
Ok I read this and it totally blew me away, referring to the first verse like that with the bricks, sun and walls was completely absolutely positevely genious. I loved it.


To end this, the last stanza there was genious, and besides from the few words and cliche's I pointed out I really really liked it. I hope my notes helped you some!
#13
Quote by Billyjson
the bricks on the grey streets are crushing her stride
while the whites from her eyes wash the walls when she cries
and as the sun stumbles through a lifeless blue haze
she holds onto hoping it might just be one of those days.
The last line is worded awkwardly. I realize this is due to the flow, but changing the syllables around would make this one of the better stanzas I've read this week. The only other issue was "sun stumbles". Felt you got a little carried away with the alliteration there after a stellar second line.
but when her fallen eyes have crystallized,
the trees all cracked and splintered,
the leaves lay dead beneath her head
and she can hear the sounds of winter;
Well the rhyme scheme change, oddly enough, only threw me off on the second read. I didn't like this stanza as much as the first one. There wasn't a whole lot that attracted me lingually. Although, I have to admit, you did manage to be consistent in your language.
lighten up says the wind
cruising cool through her hair,
settle down says the window
it's a cold world out there.
Not much to say here. I like it.

so she holds strong,
waiting behind as time moves along.
Meh. The strong/along rhyme was a bit too generic for me. Also, even though this is a song, I think it would benefit from a line break after behind.

in the end the bricks crumbled and the walls wept as well,
and again the sun stumbled, then finally fell.
the days were all numbered but none were the same
and the weeds at last tasted the earth on her grave.
I felt this was a strong ending. The "sun stumbled" bothered me again, for the awkward alliteration and also the blatant repetition. The last line was excellent.


Overall, this piece was pretty good on its own, but not great. Some of the generic rhymes, flow problems, and uninteresting language held it back. However, this is remarkably good for a song with such simple rhyme schemes.

If you have time, please take a look at Architect in my signature.
Thanks!
#14
The second stanza (is it the chorus?) is a bit odd compared to the others. I would shorten it a little (just cut out the last four lines IMO, I simply dislike them, but it's your work). Otherwise this is pretty good writing overall.
Gibson LP Studio
Epiphone SoCal 50
#15
This is very good. The first 2 lines really grabbed me, a crucial thing in any song, to pull the listener in with you first words.

"the leaves lay dead beneath her head"

I agree it is a bit cliche but it reminds me of the lines in Don McLean's Empty Chairs:

"And the fragrance of your flowers rest beneath my head
A sympathy bouquet left with the love that's dead"

Similar, but not quite the same, but probably why I like it, doubt you had these lines in mind though. The last line (which is brilliant) also reminds me of The Grave by Don McLean.

"And the weeds at last tasted the earth on her grave"
vs.
"The grave that they dug him had flowers"

Both mention "grave" and the contrast of living things next to them. He also goes on to mention the "brown earth" 2 lines later. I know this probably isn't helping you but just thought I'd bring it up as McLean is a fine, fine song writer.

Very good work though, possibly my favourite song I've read on here.
#16
I really appreciate the time you guys put into this, if I don't get to all your pieces tonight I'll be hitting them up soon. A few notes:

I'm keeping the dead/head rhyme because although it may be cliche, it builds the image I'm going for and upholds the integrity of the rhyme scheme. Could something else prob fit there? Yeah, but I don't want it to this time.

Hesh- you picked out the weakest part; the strong/along was added in for narration's sake as a prelude to a time lapse. I'll be working on changing and expanding that part.

"Sun stumbles" I was even considering making "sun slowly stumbles" since it would be a better image and possibly make the rhythm less awkward, it would be an intensely distracting alliteration though which is why I discarded it. I'll be looking for at that line also and seeing what I can do.

For comments on the last line of S1, I originally had "one of those days" in quotations in the piece to seperate it a bit and make the intentions more clear. When reading though it comes across as awkward, at least to me, so I figured I'd work it out in the musical application.

Thanks again all.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#17
I liked this!
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#18
only thing that bothered me slightly structurally was the syllable counts kind of ran into each other breaking the flowww.
there were points that sounded unnatural in meter, given the rhyme schemes role and how close to matching up the lines were. Because they almost fit in a metered patter, it felt weird when they weren't and were off by only one or two syllables

only feedback with any somewhat solid base i have.

this was a solid piece. pretty well executed
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Park that car
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