#1
So, I've had a huge writer's block, and I feel everything's still kind of rusty. C4C (leave link)


I) Analysis

Inadvertently,
‘tis you who I look first
in dust filled shelves,
between books written with words
that try to call
love something else.

II) Words

We both hate to read,
but we also hate empty spaces.
So we leave places we’ve been
to the spider webs;
they cover all our sins and holes
and bounce back all our dashed hopes
until we feel hopeful again.

We can never end alone.

III) Pieces

We rebuild this home without a floor,
without a roof, without a door.
There’s neither entrance nor way out;
no one to hear you when you shout.
We’re doomed to stay locked in forever;
it’s now or never, we chose this way.

Falling careless, like a brick
that doesn't fear to break
when it collapses against the ground,
because it thinks it’s in a lake
in the clouds, waiting to
be found, be saved.
Deep inside, it’s biding time,
while looking for a place to hide
the fear it has of any crash,
‘cause it might break
against the ground.

It is nowhere to be found.

IV) Theory

I count on you
to clear the grey of the sky,
so it may blind you with bright blue.
We don’t see the truth,
nor are we aware of what’s real.
We swallowed our eyes
and lost our hearts on the feast
of our love.

V) Practice

Flesh by flesh,
we used our bodies,
shared our sweat,
negated sleep;
left as strangers
unknown to weep.

Inadvertently,
‘tis you who I look first
in dust filled shelves,
between books written with words
that try to call
love: Sex.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jan 28, 2009,
#2
I don't understand the point of chapters...it comes across more like what I would imagine the analogy of a Dr. Phil book to be.

But it has a great sense of raw truthfulness to it.
#3
Quote by seventh_angel
So, I've had a huge writer's block, and I feel everything's still kind of rusty. C4C (leave link)


I) Analysis

Inadvertently,
‘tis you who I look first
in dust filled shelves,
between books written with words
that try to call
love something else.

Well, this is very Andre. Not much to complain about here. The "shelves/else" rhyme is good

II) Words

We both hate to read,
but we also hate empty spaces.
So we leave places we’ve been
to the spider webs;
they cover all our sins and holes
and bounce back all our dashed hopes
until we feel hopeful again.

We can never end alone.

THe first two lines here were bad, the second moreso than the first. "Spaces/places" is a bit cliched but "again/end" is good

III) Pieces

We rebuild this home without a floor,
without a roof, without a door.
There’s neither entrance nor way out;
n one to hear you when you shout.
We’re doomed to stay locked in forever;
i’s now or never, we chose this way.

"floor/door" and "out/shout" are both befer bad. :n one" shouild be "no one". "forever/never" is bad as well. This whole stanza was very weak

Falling careless, like a brick
that doesn't fear to break
when it collapses against the ground,
because it thinks it’s in a lake
in the clouds, waiting to
be found, be saved.
Deep inside, it’s biding time,
while looking for a place to hide
the fear it has of any crash,
‘cause it might break
against the ground.

You spend this stanza saying this "brick" is not afraid of breaking on the ground, then end by contradicting the whole stanza. Didn't like this either

It is nowhere to be found.

The only good line yet

IV) Theory

I count on you
to clear the grey of the sky,
so it may blind you with bright blue.
We don’t see the truth,
nor are we aware of what’s real.
We swallowed our eyes
and lost our hearts on the feast
of our love.

This whole stanza is much better, a lot stronger writing

V) Practice

Flesh by flesh,
we used our bodies,
shared our sweat,
negated sleep;
left as strangers
unknown to weep.

not sure about "sleep/weep". I do lik the wording in this stanza though

Inadvertently,
‘tis you who I look first
in dust filled shelves,
between books written with words
that try to call
love: Sex.

Good strong ending



Ok, this really isn't anything special. However, it has some good moments, and its nice to see the Andre spark shining through some of thse lines and stanzas. I've tried to tear this up as much as i can.
#6
Quote by seventh_angel

I) Analysis

Inadvertently,
‘tis you who I look first
in dust filled shelves,
between books written with words
that try to call
love something else.
The last line break was a bit disconcerting. The second line felt like it should have been "tis you who I look to first".
II) Words

We both hate to read,
but we also hate empty spaces.
So we leave places we’ve been
to the spider webs;
they cover all our sins and holes
and bounce back all our dashed hopes
until we feel hopeful again.

We can never end alone.
The last line didn't seem like it should be on its own. Other than that, I really liked this stanza. You have a sublime sense of rhyme (no rhyme intended).
III) Pieces

We rebuild this home without a floor,
without a roof, without a door.
There’s neither entrance nor way out;
no one to hear you when you shout.
We’re doomed to stay locked in forever;
it’s now or never, we chose this way.
I didn't like "shout". You chose a very generic word to fit the rhyme. This piece (at least so far) is at its best when you leave in these careless rhymes that make it flow like water. When you're really forcing it, it sounds sing-songy. One last thing- you switch from first to second person and then back to first. That's a pet peeve of mine.
Falling careless, like a brick
that doesn't fear to break
when it collapses against the ground,
because it thinks it’s in a lake
This line had an awkward flow. I really did like this image overall though.
in the clouds, waiting to
be found, be saved.
This line either needs one more syllable or one less I can't decide.
Deep inside, it’s biding time,
while looking for a place to hide
the fear it has of any crash,
‘cause it might break
against the ground.

It is nowhere to be found.
Again, I think the last line could really save the end of this stanza if it were attached to the main body. The last two lines are just weak on their own.

IV) Theory

I count on you
to clear the grey of the sky,
so it may blind you with bright blue.
We don’t see the truth,
nor are we aware of what’s real.
We swallowed our eyes
and lost our hearts on the feast
of our love.
After all the rhyming that leads up to this, it's a bit of a letdown. "Nor are" is hard to say. "Feast of our love" seemed a little cliche. The first three lines of the stanza are some of my favorites out of this whole piece though.
V) Practice

Flesh by flesh,
we used our bodies,
shared our sweat,
negated sleep;
left as strangers
unknown to weep.

Inadvertently,
‘tis you who I look first
in dust filled shelves,
between books written with words
that try to call
love: Sex.
Very strong ending. The first stanza of this section seemed to end too quickly, but I forgot about that once I read the last stanza.


Interesting take on romantic concepts, with great rhymes and some good images. The middle of it was weaker than the two ends, mainly because you kept trying to cram ideas into stanzas that couldn't fit them.

If you want, take a look at my piece Architect (the link's in my signature). Thanks!
Last edited by Hesh at Jan 29, 2009,
#7
Thanks Josh and Kyle; I'll be waiting for yours, Dan and Hesh.

As some of you might know, I really lack the patience to usually express the point I want to get across on my pieces; but I promise I will explain this one later on.

For now, I'll just say that what you pointed out on part III were intentional "mistakes", Kyle.

That's everything for now.

It's good to be back, btw. I think I've said this many times since yesterday