#1
ok..so this is the first piece i ever wrote..so be nice

it's about a dolphin (Jack the Flipper) who's really pissed about the way humanity exploits nature, especially the oceans, like overfishing without any concern or regret. so he rises out of the ocean and takes revenge on the whole mankind.
i had a picture of the dolphin in my head, about how he looks. with a huge knife, and a cape..kinda like Jack the Ripper ..i liked the pun with the names flipper/ripper and the opposition between sth. nice and beautiful and the first known serial killer.

A mutant creature - filled with hate
Eyes gleaming red - a twist of fate
Black soul, Black Heart - a dolphin drilled in killing art

Ascending from the seas of blood
A knife in his fins he'll slash your guts

Creature beyond imagination - our worst nightmare
He's walking earth - last thing you see's his numb stare
A 1000 years of punishment - vengeance for the pizza hunt

A killing dolphin, bringer of death
Nothing can stop him from his revenge

Jack the Flipper - he's gon' rip ya
Jack the Flipper - rip, rip, rip y'all

Headfirst into perdition - we kept our eyes shut
No forgiveness - unrelieved 'til earth's drenched in our blood
Kills 10 of us for each of them - now all humankind's condemned

Jack the Flipper - he's gon' rip ya
Jack the Flipper - rip, rip, rip y'all

Jack the Flip' - Rip! Rip! Rip!
Last edited by six-feet-under at Jan 28, 2009,
#2
Eyes gleaming red - a twist of fate
Change gleaming to gleam, makes the syllable count nicer and the emphasis of the beat fall better, imo.

A knife in his fins he'll slash your guts
fins to fin.

type numbers in letter form please (eg one, three hundred etc).


This is a bit silly really. You clearly have good writing skills, yet are hiding behind these childish themes.

C4C, endorphins?