#1
Sensory overload causing potential instability
Ultimate beauty found in hideous deformity
Biomechanical whirrings of organic gears
Synthetic love from transmuted fears

Forbidden life, a thing that should not be
Clockwork ticking, abominable beast set free
Among the discord, Zen is achieved
Among the chaos, rigid structures breed

Planetary motion of adversaries circling
Prosthetic organs set opposition nurturing
Contrary functions united in purpose
The squaring off consolidates their focus

Symbiotic organism inhabiting both
Inhibiting defenses and promoting growth
Digital optics distorting perceptions
Androgynous machine with earthly intentions
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#2
didnt understand most of the words but it sounds cool haha
"dear gravity, you've held me down in this starless city."
#3
well i read this through and i liked it and i may come back and actually critique it but that's not why I'm posting.
I've noticed that you do look at others' pieces and leave a lot of comments. However, even though you do this you don't get many return crits. The reason is that you really need to put more effort into your critiques. Just saying yeah this was my favorite line or the rhyme scheme was a little forced and then leaving a link won't do it. What I've found is that you should try to go in-depth with a crit, looking at each specific line or stanza and commenting.
Anyways, just some advice on how to get more attention for your pieces.
#4
I really liked this, I read it as a metalcore style thing, like Triviums Contempt breeds contamination and I really liked it I didnt see any major problems with it, if you dont mind criting one of mine, preferably Enter The Abyss, I would appericate it
#5
The great thing of this piece is its language.

That is also it's downfall.

This would be a great experiment, but really, this is so thick I find it hard to go beneath the words.

I like the contrasts between the complex language and the elementary rhyme scheme and structure.

I think you should try to put a rhythm to this, so that you get emphasis on some words. Because right now, it's a mess really.


c4c, endorphins?
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 29, 2009,
#6
thanks.it supposed to be very thick and inpenretrable.i want people to put a lot of thought into it.its set against a messhugah sort of musical theme
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial