#1
hey guys, this is something i wrote the other night, which i'm pretty happy with, yet think may need some help with certain parts.

It's about one of my mates who seems to be going a little off the rails lately, and how he seems to think about certain aspects of life.

And the title refers to the current problem with trains in Victoria, Australia, because due to the hot weather, many trains have been canceled.

So here it is.


"A Connex Train would get you just as far"

The question may have changed - yet the answer's still the same
living inside the mind - of someone in an arena sized cage
let him try just this once - to let this day slip away

somehow he'll learn.
one day he'll turn.

Avoid the boredom throughout the day - An endless debt he will pay
For this may just be our biggest fear - please oh please keep one near

one day he'll commit.
someday he'll admit.

Put all your things on the latest (band)wagon
hoping they'll ride you away
from the dissapointment, resentment and boredom
that will only ever help you further delay

Hit the lights
start the fights
Give the rights
survive the nights - hopefully.

but it'll never really get you anywhere.
#2
The question may have changed - yet the answer's still the same
(I think this is a good opening line - could begin the mood/topic of the song)
Living inside the mind - of someone in an arena sized cage
(Don't like the "an arena sized cage" - I feel the alliteration doesn't do it justice and the image is too simple for me, maybe experiment with a metaphor or simile)
Let him try just this once - to let this day slip away

Somehow he'll learn.
One day he'll turn.
(Not so fond of this part but it could easily work well when sung)

Avoid the boredom throughout the day - An endless debt he will pay
(I like the first part of this line more than the 2nd - but overall it's still ok)
For this may just be our biggest fear - please oh please keep one near
(Again not so fond of the 2nd part)

One day he'll commit.
Someday he'll admit.
(I noticed the reversal of "one" and "some" from the previous 2 lined section - nice way to mix it up a bit)

Put all your things on the latest (band)wagon
Hoping they'll ride you away
(I like - nice image conveying your point)
From the disappointment, resentment and boredom
That will only ever help you further delay
(This last line doesn't feel like it quite flows right)

Hit the lights
Start the fights
Give the rights
Survive the nights - hopefully.
(This sections sounds a bit...childlike. Perhaps too much repetition of the same sound. How about an ABAB rhyme scheme or even ABCB?)

But it'll never really get you anywhere.
(I'm guessing this is the whole point of your song - that you don't agree with the choices your friend has made. The last line is good. Would your opening line fit in here too as an alternate way to finish of the song? Would it lose it's affect? Just a suggestion.)

I hope my comments have been constructive and can help you edit the song so you're more satisfied with it.

Keep working on it.
#3
I've got a lot I feel I can say with this. It's good work so remind me if I forget. Just give me a quick PM and I'll get on the case.
#4
Quote by Deathsdoor99
The question may have changed - yet the answer's still the same
(I think this is a good opening line - could begin the mood/topic of the song)
Living inside the mind - of someone in an arena sized cage
(Don't like the "an arena sized cage" - I feel the alliteration doesn't do it justice and the image is too simple for me, maybe experiment with a metaphor or simile)
Let him try just this once - to let this day slip away

Somehow he'll learn.
One day he'll turn.
(Not so fond of this part but it could easily work well when sung)

Avoid the boredom throughout the day - An endless debt he will pay
(I like the first part of this line more than the 2nd - but overall it's still ok)
For this may just be our biggest fear - please oh please keep one near
(Again not so fond of the 2nd part)

One day he'll commit.
Someday he'll admit.
(I noticed the reversal of "one" and "some" from the previous 2 lined section - nice way to mix it up a bit)

Put all your things on the latest (band)wagon
Hoping they'll ride you away
(I like - nice image conveying your point)
From the disappointment, resentment and boredom
That will only ever help you further delay
(This last line doesn't feel like it quite flows right)

Hit the lights
Start the fights
Give the rights
Survive the nights - hopefully.
(This sections sounds a bit...childlike. Perhaps too much repetition of the same sound. How about an ABAB rhyme scheme or even ABCB?)

But it'll never really get you anywhere.
(I'm guessing this is the whole point of your song - that you don't agree with the choices your friend has made. The last line is good. Would your opening line fit in here too as an alternate way to finish of the song? Would it lose it's affect? Just a suggestion.)

I hope my comments have been constructive and can help you edit the song so you're more satisfied with it.

Keep working on it.


Thanks man, see, i was feeling the same way about the little outro bit, whether it was too much or not, or whether it did sound immature.
By far my favorite line that i wrote was the opening... "The question may have changed, yet the answers still the same".

It's all still very much a work in progress, and you've very nicely voiced your opinion on the parts that i too was not happy with. It's hard for me to tell whether something i write is good or not, because i'm fast becoming a perfectionist, so now i can get back to fixing this up. Thanks for your ideas and everything