I've been writing songs for a few months, nothing remotely professional I just consider it a hobby. One comment I received recently was that my songs seem to "mock the listener". I'm not sure exactly what that means, but my guess is that at times my lyrics become condescending or esoteric. I try to write things that haven't been done a million times before... avoiding obvious rhymes and rhyme schemes... I guess this can lead to lyrics that are somehow excessively intelligent...?

Anyways, I'm working on a song right now and was just looking for maybe some outside ideas/help and maybe try to get something that doesn't fall into this digression of being an insult to the audience/listener.

I came up with the following stanza and some chords that work with it and am trying to move from this particular phrasing into a full song:

Quiet on the set
I'm about to read my lines
Could you turn the lights down low?
To shade my shady eyes

A chaos weapon I can't stop
but stopping me to breathe
Pretending comes so easily
For celebrities like me

As a final verse I have a tentatively modified stanza of:

Trouble on the set
I forgot my lines
Could you bring the house lights up
To save my straining eyes

A chaos weapon I can't stop
but stopping me to breathe
make believe oh make believe
in fantasies like me

And for a chorus (or bridge, havent decided) with another set of chords:

I don't wanna think about
And I don't want the facts of

I don't give a damn about
And I don't give a damn about
You and me.

The problem I guess I'm running into is that the song is hemorrhaging. I wanted to write with a performance or play as a gross metaphor for living.. needing attention, wanting to be loved and applauded etc. So far every other idea ive come up with just makes the whole thing cheezy, and the bridge/chorus I've put together has more to do with a relationship I had with an actress ex-girlfriend than the original concept of the song. It might still work, I haven't decided, but I'm struggling.

Finally, the line "A chaos weapon I can't stop but stopping me to breathe" was something I wrote years ago and inserted here because the emotion behind what I'm writing is similar to what I felt when I wrote that, but I don't know if it jives in the song. For the melody, it sounds really good but lyrically I don't know if it works, or if this is the type of thing where i begin to insult my listener with condescending crap.

So if anyone has ever been told their songs mock the listener and can give some insight, or comments on what I've got so far with this song, might help me move forward with it. I have a crude recording of the first stanza over some chords if that helps, in my profile
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Why do you care what the listener's experience of yous music is? The best music is written because the songwriter just wanted to write the song, not because they were trying to please their public - that's called corporate pop. Advice would be stop worrying about how 'listeners' interact with your music and just write it.
P.S. "Excessively intelligent"? My main advice is not to be so astonishingly pretentious. You honestly think what you posted above is excessively intelligent or even vaguely subtle? Please.
FunkedUp -

I get what you are saying about just writing whatever you want, but isn't it conversely pretty arrogant to disregard the feedback you get on what you've written? There's a difference between caving to some sort of "pop" market and trying to improve. I am not and never will make a dime off of my music, so I'm certainly not asking about changing it in order to sell out or go corporate. When someone says the lyrics of various songs come across as arrogant or condescending - and when that wasn't the intention - I should at least be conscious of that effect I would think...

As for the PS, hence the use of ellipses and question marks. I wasn't suggesting I've written the cleverest **** known to man, but even using words that fall outside "everyday speech" can be seen as condescending or "excessively intelligent". I wouldn't say the bar for intelligence in music is set very high, so going above it doesn't require a lot of effort. What I'm trying to write right now is trying NOT to do that.

It's like a line between being clever and obscure and writing something people can relate to and understand that I'm trying to address and looking for maybe some advice on.
My Gear
Epi Les Paul
Roland Microcube
Boss DS-1 pedal
Shure SM57
M-Audio Fasttrack