#1
This is possibly my first serious attempt at writing a "song". Not having a strong singing voice has hindered me and as of yet the song has no melody and, unfortunately, no chorus either - just 3 verses.


Dazzling all the folks as you walk on by
Like a rocket crashing out of the sky
You sparkle so bright and fizz on away out of reach
This show is on parade, scripted but never the same
And this beauty that you see, it changes each week
Ronnie you move so fast where time moves quickest
Young love’s best catch with all that appeal
And the desire that’s driving your heels

I swear you’d convert all these monks in to sinners
With that angel’s face you stole
What’s lacking in your pocket
Doesn’t matter ‘cause you’re a winner
And your smile it never gets old
As if you’d change the way you play it
A new style, a new face, a new game to choose
You’re not the one to hang up these shoes

Ronnie you false prophet, you play with fiery spirits
And passion doesn’t burn alone
As a friend, as a warning, take this as you hear it
Ronnie take care when you fool with love
Your promises were made for breaking
And though a stony heart you may be guarding
Lonely hearts have no one to save them
When they fall, they fall hardest
#2
Just out of curiosity, why'd you choose the name Ronnie?
<davey> it's hard to fake an orgasm when you're supposed to come in her mouth

[19:43] <Horrid> oh i see a juggalo and a faggot sympathizer
[19:43] <Horrid> fuckin america
#5
Just out of curiosity, why'd you choose the name Ronnie?


It just came to me I guess, and it's ambiguous - the subject in question could be viewed as either male or female.

Thanks

Anybody got anything a bit more in depth to comment?
#6
Quote by Deathsdoor99
This is possibly my first serious attempt at writing a "song". Not having a strong singing voice has hindered me and as of yet the song has no melody and, unfortunately, no chorus either - just 3 verses.


Dazzling all the folks as you walk on by
Like a rocket crashing out of the sky
You sparkle so bright and fizz on away out of reach
This show is on parade, scripted but never the same
And this beauty that you see, it changes each week
Ronnie you move so fast where time moves quickest
Young love’s best catch with all that appeal
And the desire that’s driving your heels

(Nice opening. It sets the scene well, and introduces us to the subject of the song. I really like the third to last line the best. If i'm interpeting it correctly you have very accurately captured what youth is like; it moves so quickly and yet we ourselves are intent on moving through it so quickly.)

I swear you’d convert all these monks in to sinners
With that angel’s face you stole
What’s lacking in your pocket
Doesn’t matter ‘cause you’re a winner
And your smile it never gets old
As if you’d change the way you play it
A new style, a new face, a new game to choose
You’re not the one to hang up these shoes

(For the most part this stanza is well done, but I got a little lost near the end at the part with the shoes. I'm sure their is some metaphor that I'm not picking up on this read through and maybe it will come to me later, but I wouldn't change it since I like to think deep about my song lyrics, but know what you meant would be a good thing.)

Ronnie you false prophet, you play with fiery spirits
And passion doesn’t burn alone
As a friend, as a warning, take this as you hear it
Ronnie take care when you fool with love
Your promises were made for breaking
And though a stony heart you may be guarding
Lonely hearts have no one to save them
When they fall, they fall hardest


(Very nice and strong ending. The last two lines close out this song nicely and really drive home the point of what this piece is about. I get a sense the character of this song has a strong hear themselves and can withstand the fiery passion it puts out but will end up inadvertently hurting the ones he/she loves with that passion.)

(Overall I really enjoyed reading this piece. I'd like to hear it once a chorus gets added or whenever it is finished with music if you decide to keep it as is without a chorus. Thanks for the crit on my piece.)
#7
For some reason only the first verse stood out for me, but it doesn't feel like a verse, it kinda sounds like a spoken bridge in the middle of a song when everything is quiet apart from like a keyboard or synth or something
Hope this helped
could anyone crit mine plz?
cheers
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