#1
Haven't been writing much lately on acount of the fact that i'm working hard (read as rather lazily) on a novel (read as mabe half decent story). But here's a new song. I like it, maybe you will. C4C and the like. Think Counting Crows, if Adam Duritz was me and had three hands and a rather large nose. Diggit dawg?


The Sound of One Hand Clapping

Feels like I’m lying on a bed of nails
I can feel it stabbing at my spine
as he grabs your arm and I see you shiver
I start to sweat
as you look into his eyes, and you don’t even see me
I start to wonder if I’m dreaming
But then I do not wake up screaming

And I can’t sleep tonight
but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter
no I can’t sleep tonight
I’ll dream of you, I’ll dream of us
I’ll dream of anything that made me smile
and times that seemed to last forever
but now I know

Stretch me out inside my coffin
shut the lid and seal it tight
I don’t need air to breathe
you took that all away
and he takes your hand and I watch you shiver
I start to die
as you look into his eyes and there’s only him
and I start to scream

chorus

I am just the sound of one hand clapping
clap your hands, oh no
I am just the sound of one hand clapping
don’t understand me I am
the fall of everything, the king of nowhere
the emptiness between the beat of your heart and his
but now I’m crying, but now I’m dying
you take his hands I see you shiver
I’m starting to sweat but you don’t care

chorus
Last edited by kdownes at Jan 30, 2009,
#2
Quote by kdownes
Haven't been writing much lately on acount of the fact that i'm working hard (read as rather lazily) on a novel (read as mabe half decent story). But here's a new song. I like it, maybe you will. C4C and the like. Think Counting Crows, if Adam Duritz was me and had three hands and a rather large nose. Diggit dawg?


The Sound of One Hand Clapping

Feels like I’m lying on a bed of nails
I can feel it stabbing at my spine
as he grabs your arm and I see you shiver
I start to sweat
as you look into his eyes, and you don’t even see me
I start wonder if I’m dreaming (reword this line)
But then I do not wake up screaming

And I can’t sleep tonight
but it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter
no I can’t sleep tonight
I’ll dream of you, I’ll dream of us
I’ll dream of anything that made me smile
and times that seemed to last forever
but now I know

this bit was okay nothing stands out though

Stretch me out inside my coffin
shut the lid and seal it tight
I don’t need air to breathe
you took that all away
and he takes your hand and I watch you shiver
I start to die
as you look into his eyes and there’s only him
and I start to scream

not a fan of this part either.

chorus

I am just the sound of one hand clapping
clap your hands, oh no
I am just the sound of one hand clapping
don’t understand me I am
the fall of everything, the king of nowhere
the emptiness between the beat of your heart and his
but now I’m crying, but now I’m dying
you take his hands I see you shiver
I’m starting to sweat but you don’t care

again, I see it but idk. nothing special

chorus



Reading this was a let down for me honestly. I'm usually impressed by at least something in everything youve posted and ive read but this seems to be missing, well almost everything. Did you sit down and force yourself to write this? cause I get that impression. maybe its just me though, probably is. either way I know you can write well though this only hints at it.

if you could: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1056653
and please, be harsh as possible.
Last edited by mindtrek at Jan 30, 2009,
#3
you've done way better than this.
this kind of just floats along with no real meat to it.
gazing into "his" eyes, dreaming, not being able to breath, etc all just seem pretty cliched and arent packaged in a way that makes me sit up and take notice.
even the whole idea of one hand clapping is as old as dirt.
i think this is maybe the product of an off day.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
This song is basically an emotional outpouring for me. The inspiration came from "Cowboys" by Counting Crows. I basically wanted to write an Adam Duritz style emotional outpouring song that was still me. This sounds a heck of a lot better than it looks, but unfortunately my recording equiptment is still stuffed. Hopefully, i'll get it back tomorrow and i'll get this recorded. Hopefully. Thanks for the words guys.
#5
There are a lot of repeated images (seeing her shiver; looking into his eyes; everything concerning the act of dream is excessively repeated) and many cliché lines and rhymes (the dreaming/screaming stuff, for example). There's not even a line in this I can say it's brilliant.

Now, as my part to help you... You know I suck giving advices... Everything I'll say you'll probably already know.

I see this song as something commercial. What's commercial doesn't always mean it must be catchy and memorable; think November Rain (I don't recall its lyrics, but I think it's an adequate example). So, write something really true and say everything as it is, raw and different. Make it yours, and make people identify it as yours when they read/hear. I read this and it seemed as a piece of a guy who registered three days ago (sorry guys, but everyone's first pieces usually suck badly; (exceptions exist)). Try different things like, for example, get some rhythm to some OTS thing you've written, just for fun, just to see how it sounds; it's usually sincere and unique. Don't look for chants or sing-alongs; sure, we all write them, and there's nothing "wrong" with doing it, but I'm seeing this only lyrically.
If it is an emotional outpouring for you, let everyone see through you as a focking mirror.

Okay, done. Sorry for everything harsh I said (I'm rarely like that), and you'll probably be surprised since I've written so much ahah...

Take care Kyle
#6
Took a quick glance, I like it, but I don't think critiquing it at 7 in the morning will do it any justice. So, I'll be back.
this one is for you.
#7
You did a grand job at being basic, but you know it's not going to be popular with me. I think some of the line breaks, or lack of them in this case, could of been improved. You, on one or two occasions, have put commas in place of line breaks, which only works in some cases.
- "as you look into his eyes, and you don’t even see me"
- I can see what you are trying to do, but I don't feel it quite works, as is the case with other instances. It's only a minor gripe, the only ones I could really find.

The piece reads like it's old news. It doesn't read like you. Even though you may view this as an emotional outburst, it seemed constricted by the structures usually accompanied by a songs form. I reckon that's a similar problem that I seem to have. Just try and write without hindrance. I believe inspiration can cause harm in pieces like this. It's not quite expression because it doesn't sound honest.

Just my thoughts.
#8
I can make a sound with just one hand clapping
*fap fap fap fap fap*

nah seriously though, nice stuff.
Been in Japan since August, no fucking money left!
#9
Everyone still seems to be missing this. Only on person has got it and that was Zach. This is nowhere near as simple as it first appears. There's a lot of really deep stuff in this. You just have to look.
#10
I actually really like this, but then I'm a big fan of saying a lot by not saying too much, I dont really know what to say by way of a crit other than I disagree with a lot of the comments on this, the only thing I didnt like was the rhyme of screaming and dreaming other than that I'd really like to hear this to music
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#11
Quote by kdownes
Everyone still seems to be missing this. Only on person has got it and that was Zach. This is nowhere near as simple as it first appears. There's a lot of really deep stuff in this. You just have to look.

I don't get it, no. The meaning could turn out to be fantastic and could push this piece forward, but I don't see it.
So, it stays the same, until I find more. Which I will keep trying to do because I have faith in you and want to find it.
#13
damn-right!: Thanks a lot. I don't like that rhyme either, but it works. I'm still waiting on a part for my recording hardware, but hopefully it'll be fixed soon. I'll PM you when the recording's up.

Dan: I'm honoured that you are taking the time to look, thank you.

Andre: I'll ask Zach if he wants to leave a comment, otherwise i'll let you guys all know within the next day or two.
#14
I actually quite like it. I dunno if i get it right but it really tells me that the writer is afraid of losing someone special because you feel like your losing her/him. might be me but i dont realy think this is al that cliche. but it could be me. i like it.

C4C? i am not a great writer tough.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18470819#post18470819
Gear

-Schecter Tempest Custom
-Ibanez EW20WNE-NT
-Digitech Bad Monkey
-Boss TU-3
-Boss NS-2
-ibanez PM7
Last edited by Trecion at Feb 4, 2009,
#15
Broken heart, her affections move to someone who is wrong for her, you see it she doesn't, you know you fill all the gaps in their new relationship but she's moved on.

As far as telling people it's deep and that we just have to look for it; that's a bit childish. If you've written it well it shouldn't be so much of a mystery. I'm sure I could find more in it but honestly, I was so put off by all the cliches and repetition of imagery that I started not to care whether I knew this piece inside and out or not. You're a good writer but this was a bunt compared to some of your your home runs.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#16
I don't know if it is exactly childish, but I know what you mean. I'm connected to this piece for some reason, god know's why. Musically, the lyrics work. Read however, not so much. I dunno. I know its not my best, not even close. I'm going to do a recording just using my laptop tomorrow morning and whack it up. Sure, it won' be studio quality, or even decent quality, but maybe it'll help. Probably not.
#17
To me, this is about self- betrayal. It's not so much about the story of a man watching his woman with another guy... but a man watching half of him disintegrate into a relationship. A man watching himself; the only person he's ever been able to depend on, fade away to make room for dependence on another person... and the agony this gives to the man. The wording feels internal; not external. Each time you speak of "another man," to me it comes across as you watching yourself collapse and your girlfriend stealing you from yourself. All very confusing to word... but that's the idea I got from it.

The writing and the imagery are a bit weak; as everyone has pointed out... it feels like you repeated a lot of them. But the actual content I picked up from underneath... and the fact that I know this feeling I'm describing made this resonate with me. And honestly, made it just as valid as your other pieces... though not as well written.

Feel me? in sig, por favor
#18
That's exactly what I thought was going on. Not the underlining message - I'm afraid I didn't pick that up - But, I do agree that this is just as good as the other stuff Kyle has wrote.
I don't believe in this bullcrap that "it's not as good as you normally do". I think that statement is totally useless and pointless. The imagery isn't as technical or interesting, but music doesn't often require anything complicated, just something to drive the flow forward.
But, as Jake said, this just didn't click with me, and even after I have read what Zach has mentioned on it, I didn't have that feeling where you want to kick yourself for missing the message. I just want, okay, that's beautiful, but where is it?
#19
I hated the first stanza but the rest flowed extremely nicely.

I liked the piece overall.

And I think every piece is about self-betrayel in some light, so I would have been right in my analysis.
#20
I have uploaded a really bad demo onto my profile. Well, not really bad. Have a listen if you want. Then I'll kill the thread in a day or two.