#1
If this doesn't click with poeple, I'm passing it over to my drummer for lyrics!


Up Stream


What’s up river?
past the childless home
and woodless millponds:
A tale of two fins,
resentful and heartbroken.
I just can’t imagine that they’ll ever stop.

With lovers going against the tide,
a fish in the shallows waits.
Even with a persistent chase,
the couple will still fall behind.

You could spend your whole life
avoiding the thought of kids,
and still come out with four.
Does that make it any less of a swim?
It's broken tails that explain all.

Maybe, the stars could be your pin-up in the stream;
escorting your indecision against the waves,
allowing your lungs to fill with water;
allowing your distress to lean
towards the fishes still struggling up river.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Feb 2, 2009,
#2
In short ,

"You could be the sort that spends all their life"
This lacks the flow and the word sort just doesn't sound well.

"The broken tails should tell it all. "
instead of tell maybe described, just a thought.

Ad far as clicking is concerned this clicks some button in my head .

It was quite nice .
Hi
#3
Stop ditching your damn songs, Dan.

As for this one, i got it, i liked it, but as far as the writing goes, i think "puddle" was a lot better written. My opinion anyway.
#5
I want to write a song that feels right. That feels apt for the song. That's why I keep changing. I have this constant feeling like I can do better, and so I try. I guess I gotta draw the line somewhere.
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
If this doesn't click with poeple, I'm passing it over to my drummer for lyrics!


Up Stream


What’s up river?
past the childless home
and millponds without wood:
A tale of two fins,
resentful and heartbroken.
I just can’t imagine that they’ll ever stop.

I think too many syllables in the last two lines, kinda ruined the flow, also didn't think they really clicked with the imagery of the first few lines, seemed a bit too direct/in your face, dunno.

With lovers going against the tide,
a fish in the shallows waits.
Even with a persistent chase,
the couple will still fall behind.

No complaints, but fairly standard, almost filler

You could spend your whole life
avoiding the thought of kids, Again, a bit too direct for my liking, would be better to go with more analogy/imagery rather than the direct approach, it's kinda abrasive.
and still come out with four.
Does that make it any less of a swim?
It's broken tails that explain all.

Maybe, the stars could be your pin-up in the stream;
escorting your indecision against the waves,
allowing your lungs to fill with water;
allowing your distress to lean
towards the fishes still struggling up river.

This is the best verse, far superior to the previous ones, the only thing I'd suggest is in the last line, get rid of the 's' in 'towards' and make 'fishes' singular, - 'fishes' isn't a word and it makes a stickler for correct grammar stumble on the end of what should be the redeeming verse.


Digitally Clean



Thanks for taking a look at mine, this is good, but it's nowhere near finished I think, but maybe put it aside, come back to it in a while, and make sure that the level of imagery and quality is consistent throughout the piece, I think that could elevate it to a level more fitting of the Digitally Clean signature.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#8
Ill have to agree with kdownes. I liked the puddles one better, this one seemed transparent.
Reading it I can't find anything "wrong" with it, sorry for no help as usual. It had paintaings with meaningful colors but I dont know, maybe you need a different brush.
#9
4 What’s up river?
5 past the childless home
6 and millponds without wood:
Reword this line to "5 and woodless millponds". Then, you get the pond/wood halfrhyme-ish, and this motif of "-less thing", which works great setting up for the next bit. This would also sort out the syllable count, which turns into a real problem at the end of this verse.
5 A tale of two fins,
7 resentful and heartbroken.
11 I just can’t imagine that they’ll ever stop.
These last two lines are extremely out of place. The fifth, I suppose, could work if sung right to the right music. It's borderline acceptable for the rhythm. But the last is a different story. It's massively out of place, the syllable count, and the language. In effect, it adds nothing to the verse. Sure, a good end to the introduction is always good, but that felt too tagged on as a line. It's out of place.

With lovers going against the tide,
a fish in the shallows waits.
I don't like syntax here, more specifically "shallows waits". The double "s" sound tripped me up. However, i think that putting it in a more standard format (A fish waits in the shallows) would be far too dull for this piece.
Even with a persistent chase,
the couple will still fall behind.
"will still" felt forced, imo.

You could spend your whole life
avoiding the thought of kids,
and still come out with four.
Does that make it any less of a swim?
It's broken tails that explain all.
This one line I have a problem with. It's awkward, because I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Maybe, the stars could be your pin-up in the stream;
escorting your indecision against the waves,
allowing your lungs to fill with water;
allowing your distress to lean
towards the fishes still struggling up river.
Would work.


Don't stop, I like your unique perspective.