#1
In case you decide to say something . just make sure you leave a link


Timmy

I had forced this moment to become a déjà vu.
Now that it was here, it was time to play in it.
With my both hands between steel bars,
Slowly and peacefully I was feeling your face
For the first time in my life,
I was close to someone like you.
Your way of responding assured me your kindness
and your acceptance for me.
Finally two stars somewhere had interacted,
Creating a cosmic event that had messed up the whole constellation.
Bringing us together, bringing me joy.
I looked at the women, who was looking at the clock,
It was our first time together,
Our first moment that’ll last forever
until one of us is dead and other one is scarred.
I told her not to worry,
I’ll always take good care of you.
I said
“Mom this’ll be our new dog, We’ll call him Timmy”.



thanks for reading
Hi
#2
- "I had forced this moment to become a déjà vu."
- I don't like the way this is worded.

- "With my both hands between steel bars,
Slowly and peacefully I was feeling your face
For the first time in my life,
I was close to someone like you."

- This feels lazily written. While on the opposing side, it could of been that you spent too long trying to word it in the way that you liked; in a way that would not interupt the flow. In doing so, you kind of decreased the intensity and sporadic energy that comes along with freeflowing words - which is present in the piece.

- "Your way of responding assured me your kindness
and your acceptance for me."

- This doesn't make any sense. Maybe you forget to add the "of"

This a solid piece with an unpredicatable ending. It's quite cute, which is relatively the same as the way in which you wrote the bulk of the piece, but in another sense, it's a nice surprising change in style.
Your punctuation could of been more articulate, and because of it's lack of credence - so to speak - the flow was disturbed and the reality suffered for it.
Reading the piece became a little bit of a chore, to be honest. There was little or no flow and it would of complimented a read like this for it to be present. Not necessarily basking in it's own prententious, liquid-like self, just more on the lines of a natural flow. Correct punctuation, altering the sections that don't seem right will all add to that flavour.

I'm not keen on the imagery of "feeling your face". It just seems so comprimised and unsubtle for the situation. Although, it does coincide with the ending, slightly.

Overall, I really enjoyed the theme, although it could of been more consistent, with a little more clarity. But that's not a huge problem. I enjoyed reading this and finding new quirks and lines to it.

Thanks for getting to mine.

Digitally Clean
#3
Thanks alot for your time. I really didn't plan anything .I just wanted to write about a kid who is going to get a dog for the very first time in his life and the kind of moment he's been hoping for.

I agree with you that somethings were written lazily , T was not intentional , It just felt right in that particular moment.I'll keep your advice in my mind while writing future pieces.

I'll make sure that I return properly
Hi