#1
The clocks lie; days stretch their bitterly blue arms
out longer in the winter, straining but holding.
Does the Sun know? Yes, and hides for fear of fearing
the moon. The moon? Behind the clouds to pounce.

It came on gradually - summer passed it's time
by sweating, and bee stings. Autumn never had it.
Then winter came and dragged the hours like
the heaving bosom to a top too tight.

Also winter swindled me. With the sky blue
and clouds invisible, I started outside. The cold
hit me square in jaw like a boxer. I counted
myself out. Then this sap went back to bed.

Am I melting with the slush? I feel as frail as the
creaking oak under the strain of wind, yet look
pink, and as sprite as a shorn rabbit thumping.

But there, skulking from upwind, is the fox,
with February lurking behind him.
#2
This is great work, I haven't read anything of yours for a while now, but this is definately a really good piece. I'd say the 1st verse was the weakest, but the poem then goes from strength to strength. Sorry I don't really have enough to say for a full crit, it seems to flow very well, it ends very well.
I actually just re-read the 1st verse and can't see anything really wrong with it. The subject material is a familiar one, but I think you've approached it very well.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#3
Does the Sun know? Yes, and hides for fear of fearing
the moon. The moon? Behind the clouds to pounce.


IMHO, The sudden transition between the two voices doesn't sell the point that you were trying to make. It reminds me of a sales representative I met this afternoon.

The starting of third stanza with "Also" bugs me.

Other than that the way it is represented with awkward line breaks doesn't make any sense to me forget the purpose..

Seriously, the best thing i like about you is the way you can describe any event. You have written plenty of good pieces that i remember till now like one you wrote that told the story behind a condom and how a guy meets a girl in a bus ride.

Afds of lately your pieces are not indulging me . I know you are not here to entertain me but I felt like saying this so i said it.
Hi
#4
oh I loved this. I didn't like the line breaks in stanza one, that's probably what killed it for the other readers too. The voice is excellent though. And you carry on all throughout the poem. Unlike Abhishek, this piece moved me, both on a personal level and from a writer's standpoint. You've developed remarkable execution.

I look up to you.
#5
Lol, you guys. Stop it.

Thankyou for the gesture and all, but in slightly cynical fashion, I preferred it when the secret council went for the lesser known writers on the forum. This is my fourth time here and like second in what, five weeks.

Thanks, but let's use wotw for a little more constructively.

<3
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Lol, you guys. Stop it.

Thankyou for the gesture and all, but in slightly cynical fashion, I preferred it when the secret council went for the lesser known writers on the forum. This is my fourth time here and like second in what, five weeks.

Thanks, but let's use wotw for a little more constructively.

<3


I completely ****ing agree. Whose been the last seven winners of WOTW:

the mirage suite. - Written by NGD1313
the former years. - Written by ottoavist
s.a.d - Written by Jammydude44
Comma - Written by rockergirl1122
a he and a she inside a city - Written by skagitup
-Joris
-Jamie

rockergirl is the only person who hasnt been here forever that has won in the past two months. I recognize the rest are all great writers and the pieces they wrote were all decent but it's still rather upsetting.

oh well.

Grats Jamie, one of your best recent pieces (though once again I argue against it being wotw).
#11
Goodnight and godbless!
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish