#1
This song needs a bit of explaining. I've put some other songs for a concept album, but this one from a side project i'm working on. The basic online of the story is a man is hospitalized and as a result of drugs, disease, etc he has a series of visions. In these visions he meets a bear, who serves as a kind of spirit guide for these visions of past memories of his life. The bear is named Baltimore hence the title of the song. Any comments would be great, and as always i'll comment a piece of yours also. Here goes nothing.

Intro:
Baltimore
Show me my path
Baltimore
Guide me on my way

Verse 1:
I breathe in this ethereal air
Ohh yeah
Pinch myself this has to be the disease
Has to be
Shadowy figure blur the horizon line
Comin’ round the pine
Furry exterior coats my guide
I confide

Chorus:
Baltimore
Show me my path
Baltimore
Guide me on my way

Verse 2:
Tongue off to the side he says
Follow me
A gentle hand reaches for his side
There it collides
Pinch myself again its this disease
Has to be
Follow behind me we have places to go
Don’t be slow

Chorus:
Baltimore
Show me my path
Baltimore
Guide me on my way

Bridge:
I’ll play along
Under one condition
Take me back
When all of this is done

Chorus:
Baltimore
Show me my path
Baltimore
Guide me on my way
#2
No quibbles with the intro. Pretty straightforward and I think could work a treat sung with some harmonies.

I breathe in this ethereal air
Ohh yeah
(Change the "ohh yeah" or leave it out until you record it, it shouldn't be able
staple in the lyrics if you know what I mean)

Pinch myself this has to be the disease
Has to be
Shadowy figure blur the horizon line
(Maybe "A shadowy figure blurs" instead)
Comin’ round the pine
Furry exterior coats my guide
(I like the image you are going for but I'm not crazy on the choice of words)
I confide
(I like the word "confide")

Tongue off to the side he says
(I don't really like this line, the way you have worded the first part of it feels "ugly". I think you could do a bit better)
Follow me
A gentle hand reaches for his side
There it collides
(I like these 2 lines)
Pinch myself again its this disease
Has to be
Follow behind me we have places to go
Don’t be slow
(I feel these 2 lines work)

The bridge is ok.

Overall, I think your song has potential but largely depnding on the style and instrumentation to determine how effect it could be. Personally I see it as more of gentle song, as the person is having a vision and the vision feels positive. As I said before, I think some vocal harmonies/small choir like sections would work really well with this song. A lot of the lyrics are quite average but I do really like this concept idea you have.
#3
Thanks for the comments. I realize some of the lyrics aren't that great but I really only consider this a first draft, and just kind of wanted to get these lyrics out there and see what people thought. I would agree with the bridge prolly the part I'm most unhappy about the last two lines just aren't that good, but i'm trying to fix them. Do you have any pieces you want me to comment on. Thanks again for the crit.
#4
The part at the bottom of all my posts (the underlined "Ronnie") will always lead you to a persons work or website. If you want to have a look at my lyrics, I'd appreciate it. Glad that you know what to do with your lyrics.
#5
I kinda agree wiv deathsdoor, but for some reason i don't particularly like the chorus, it seems a bit like (I don't like saying this word) 'cliche' and very cheesy.
I 'm not saying you should change them because sometimes cheesy is good (for me), for example Avenged Sevenfold and dragonforces' lyrics are cheesy.
hope this helped and wasn't to harsh
Crit mine please search for
I know where I am
cheers
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#6
yeah i realize i need to rework the chorus. Like I said before just a first run through. Thanks for the comments and keep them coming.