#1
A virgin canvas: Sullied
  Now through transaction -
Of market forces: compelled
  To curtail Passion
     - And surrender your sympathies

By right of culture: Lauded
  And yet, dilemma -
By way of ambition: Led
  To acknowledge favour
     - And Prostitute your sympathies
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
Last edited by Trickycindy at Jan 31, 2009,
#2
I don't really like this kind of poetry, but if I were you I'd replace the word "sullied". IMO, the sound of the word doesn't really fit the meaning.
#3
the only criticism i can really level at this is that the punctuation makes reading it feel a little disjointed. Like the hyphens stunt the flow, and make it a difficult to take in on a first read.
small issue though, because other than that i quite like this, after a few reads through.
short, sweet and on point.
its a solid little piece, even though i usually prefer a bit of imagery to latch on to.

nice one.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
Quote by Trickycindy
A virgin canvas: Sullied
Now through transaction -
Of market forces: compelled
To curtail Passion
- And surrender your sympathies

By right of culture: Lauded
And yet, dilemma -
By way of ambition: Led
To acknowledge favour
- And Prostitute your sympathies


There's already been a comment about the punctuation. In my opinion it would be fine if the usage were correct. The hyphens don't seem to be doing their job.

Although, I would say this piece could be improved a lot by taking out the 'And' in the last lines of both stanza. Do that, and the punctuation works, the whole thing flows better, and this becomes small yet powerful, as it was probably envisioned. I like it
#5
Thanx guys, I think a part of the problem is that it hasn't come out formatted properly, in the original some lines are indented more than others, so the hyphens are more appropriate.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#6
Quote by Trickycindy
Thanx guys, I think a part of the problem is that it hasn't come out formatted properly, in the original some lines are indented more than others, so the hyphens are more appropriate.

Try using the CODE tags to preserve layout
#7
^

Thanx
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION