#1
I goto the psychiatrist
And become a pseudo patient
looking at you from across the hall
You're looking haggard and wasted

Walking into the toilet
And see a guy unconscious and naked
Covered in lacerations
That was your blood you just tasted

I can't tell if you've finally done it
Or if you've just faked it
Because everytime you try and go through with it
You can't seem to face it

Caked in bruises
constant reminders of failure
Hey atleast you're still alive
You ungreatful form of nature


What do you think?


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#2
lovely ... nice and positive
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#3
looking at you from across the hall
You're looking haggard and wasted
dont like repetition of looking.


i dont like this, far too passive for the subject matter.
#5
yeah repetition of looking doesn't seem right,
and it's just too plain, there's nothing that particularly grabs you, the idea of a guy lying naked and cut up on the floor of a public toilet could be really good, but it just washes over you the way you've written it, it's too blank, use some different images and be a bit more imaginative and there could be some good stuff there though.
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