#1
This is a song i did with my band, it works really well with the music so you'll just have to trust me on the rhythm.

Something Special

So why am I,
wasting all this time trying to rhyme
with the shards of a broken heart in my mind
oh but it isn't mine

'cause the boredom is,
the only thing keeping me alive
monotony to survive
oh i need something special

'cause where were you when i needed
something sublime
why couldn't you have heeded
i need to be essential

This is my Life
Please don't hurt me
This is my Life

Tripping over clocks
trying to race them back and forth
hunger thirst and what-for
oh but i need something more

This is my Life
Time limit restricted
This is my Life
please make me addictive

Cause where were you when i needed
something sublime
why couldn't you have heeded
oh i need something special

Be my Something Special
Be my Something Special
Be my Something Special
(you will never)
you will never

you will never

you will never be my something special.


Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
Last edited by mcmeddesr at Jan 31, 2009,
#2
Time limit restricted

isnt a limit a restriction anyway?
so you could say
time limited
or
time restricted


this was good.
it kept a solid tone.

however there wasnt really anything solid. story or anytihng
it was just this, that and the other.

i would listen to it though.

thanks for the comment on mine, i edditteted and rambled on a bit more, ave another look could you? link in sig, nine.

in return, this bump
#3
this is my life seems really cliche here, maybe you could make it into something else. the rhythm seemed sorta messed up, but then again I don't have the music so I will trust you on that one. alot of the rhymes (needed heeded, i mine mind) seemed forced so i suggest saying what you have to say and not worrying about rhymes because rhymes aren't everything in a song/poem, its the meaning behind it.

Hope that helps you some
#4
Thanks for the input guys
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#6
That was pretty good
I especially liked the 'tripping over clocks' stanza and the 'this is my life'
Also a very good song title, I would listen to it if I'd seen it
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#7
this was really man i gotta say i really like the feel about it-like som1 said above me if your trying 2 hard 2 rhyme ppl can tell-just write it as it comes and people i think will like it more

be well!
#8
It's funny everyone's saying that, when i wrote it i really wasn't trying to make it rhyme, that's just how it went with the music.
And i think the simple rhyming scheme actually complements the content, as the song is about being stuck in a rut of a relationship which you're really bored with but can't be bothered sorting out. So a simple rhyme scheme i thought would juxtopose that quite well, as the same is true with rhyming schemes when you start writing.
But i'll think about it.
Thanks anyway, to everyone.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
Last edited by mcmeddesr at Feb 6, 2009,
#9
I think the chorus (This is my Life etc) lets you down. Everything else here is very good, but both "This is my Life" sections are cliched and weak writing. I did very much enjoy everything else here.
#10
I see what you mean, i'll think about what else would work...
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#11
Quote by mcmeddesr
Something Special

So why am I,
wasting all this time trying to rhyme
with the shards of a broken heart in my mind
oh but it isn't mine
A bit of a typical 1st stanza here, sets the scene well but means little on it's own. Looking back on it after reading the rest, it seems as if this stanza overstates things a bit- this might be a good thing, but I'm not sure myself.

'cause the boredom is,
the only thing keeping me alive
monotony to survive
oh i need something special
Didn't like this one, doesn't appear to make much sense... unless you're bashing modern pop music. xD

'cause where were you when i needed
something sublime
why couldn't you have heeded
i need to be essential
"Sublime" appears too strong here, having read that this is about a rut in a relationship- you can't expect near-godliness from someone who's only human. Also, last line makes very little sense to me.

This is my Life
Please don't hurt me
This is my Life
Again, comes across as too strong- almost as if you fear the subject of the song. Is that intended? Also, "This is my life" sounds cliche'd to me... works to a degree though.

Tripping over clocks
trying to race them back and forth
hunger thirst and what-for
oh but i need something more
Probably my favorite stanza- really conveys the point strongly, and rhymes to boot.

This is my Life
Time limit restricted
This is my Life
please make me addictive
2nd line sounds forced and lacks fluency; however I like repetition of "This is my life". Finally, last line I don't like- it's your job to make yourself addictive...

Cause where were you when i needed
something sublime
why couldn't you have heeded
oh i need something special
This works well as a chorus.

Be my Something Special
Be my Something Special
Be my Something Special
(you will never)
you will never
Can't imagine this working in a musical context, but if you can make it do so then I've got no problem with the language in itself.

you will never

you will never be my something special.


Overall Impression: Reasonable, take out the occasional flow-killing phrase and make it more sensical (as in opposite of nonsensical) and it'd be damn good.